I was actually writing a completely different post to this. It was titled the ‘Southbound Train’, a working title. In fact, I wrote two drafts of it and was probably going to write a third one, but only to stop myself. I strongly felt there’s a story in what I experienced but somehow or rather, it didn’t feel right. It felt forceful and a rehash of what I have written before. So, I decided to leave it and who knows, I might have something to write about it the next day.

Anyway, if you don’t already know, I have been practising the guitar. I know! It’s pretty exciting news to myself, maybe not to you, but to me, it’s really something. When I told my friend I was learning it, he asked, “So what are you naming her?”, to which I responded I don’t want to name her as I didn’t feel like playing <insert female name>. It just sounded wrong. We came up with names anyway and he said a guitar has to have a name kind of like how swords have names. Of course, my lightbulb was suddenly switched on. From now on, I shall call my guitar Brisingr! No, it doesn’t work? How about Riptide? If you know these references, you’re awesome. I decided to look up what guitar is in Japanese. My friend said it was probably guitaru. It was actually something that sounded way cooler than that. Are you ready? It’s… gita. I laughed to myself. Anyway, I didn’t end up naming her. Maybe in the future.

So, when I was younger, my mother asked (more like forced) me to take piano lessons. I hated it. Honestly, there’s no other word for it. I simply hated the theory and practising it everyday. My teacher tried hard to encourage me but to no avail and my mum kept persuading until eventually, I told her I wanted to quit. She finally gave in and I didn’t play the piano since. I remembered my mum telling me that I would regret not being able to play it. I don’t know if it’s regret but I certainly don’t mind the skill to play the piano as it is a whole other way to express my emotions and feelings. Thinking back now, quitting the piano actually had a bigger impact on my life than I thought but there’s a story for another day.

So, I didn’t have the skills to serenade girls with romantic songs and I certainly couldn’t contribute more in church choirs or praise and worship sessions. All I had going for is my parched throat chirping out random bird noises that somewhat sounded singing and like a melody but not really. I felt something was missing but I was glad I could help in any way I could but I always think back of the what if scenario. What if I knew the piano? What if I knew the guitar? When I listen to songs, I embarrassingly imagine playing the air guitar and thought how cool would it be to finally even play a simple tune.

It never materialized as year after year, I will always tell myself that I have something to do and that I have no time to pick it up. It wasn’t until last month I took up my sister’s guitar and a ‘Guitar for Dummies’ book that was left to me by my dear friend, sat on the couch and started learning some chords. My sister saw how serious I was and she and my mum decided to buy me a guitar for me to practise while I’m back in Malaysia. An hour ago was probably one of the most accomplished moments I have felt in my life. I have been able to strum a few things but never quite a full song. I remembered the song, “The Heart of Worship” by Matt Redman and I decided to look up the chords and just play it. It turns out the chords were pretty simple and I could managed it but that’s not the end of it. For once in my life, after 13 years, I was able to express to God not only one of my favourite songs of all time, but I was able to play a full song to play for Him to hear. I cried from it cause time and time in my head, I have always wanted to do this but never bothered to do it and finally, I was able to play not parts, but one whole song for the one I love the most in the world.

Do I regret I didn’t continue with the piano? I honestly wished I didn’t quit but there’s nothing I could do about that now. My life would have been very different and I wouldn’t be who I am today. I think there’s a fine line between quitting something because you are not ready and giving up because it’s too hard. I do think it more of the latter than former that I didn’t continue but I figured it’s both. As I grew older, I learned that it’s okay to hold back something until you are ready and certainly don’t give up when there’s tribulations.  Just as I didn’t continue with ‘Soutbound Train’ post, it wasn’t because I gave up on it, but rather it didn’t felt complete enough.

I will always remember what my mum said to me till the day I leave this earth, “When you want to do something, do it whole heartedly or else, don’t do it at all”. That’s today for now. Have a nice day wherever you are. 🙂