There I was lying comfortably on my couch, watching and listening to commentary of Community episodes, waiting for the clock to tick till 4.15 then get myself off to campus for a psych study at 4.30. I arrive in the lift at 4.29. I checked my phone to see where it was then I realized that the study was actually scheduled at 4 pm. One word came to my mind. Shit. 

The reason I panicked was cause there is actually mark deductions from the course if  I missed it. I went up to floor 13 anyway and saw this guy with a beard and a cap. Ok, let me just say a guy with a beard and a cap any day looks dodgy and more likely a robber. I didn’t think that then (maybe). I went and told him the truth. I said I mistook the time. I genuinely thought it was 4.30 pm. He had to work so he couldn’t conducted any experiments with me but he was so kind. He said it’s alright, don’t worry about it. He was clearly in a hurry but he switched on the computer to log in the website and stated I have a reason for being late.

I could have make up an excuse saying I saw a dragon and he,(it, she?) breathed fire on the road, blocking traffic and stuff. Okay, maybe not that. Something more believable. I told the truth and thank God he was really kind. 

Fact is we judged people too quickly at times ( like girls from the Mean Girls movie or guys from Mean Guys movie. I’m sorry, there is no Mean Guys movie. You just wasted five seconds reading what I just wrote. You’re welcome.) At many times, I think of the stereotype character when I see someone when in actual fact they are really opposite. I met a girl this sem whom I thought wouldn’t talk much to a dork like me (there is nothing going on here.calm down your horses, ponies, unicorns, whatever you have.). She is way opposite of the stereotype that I pictured her as.

Anyways, a kind deed goes a long way. It showed today. 🙂 

 

Heard this joke a long time ago. When you get married, you get three rings.

1. Engagement ring (for girls, kind of awkward for guys to wear one, well unless the girl propose to the guy which is rather unlikely)

2. Wedding ring

3. i’m sure you can guess. suffer-ring? ta-dah!

In all seriousness, all of us go through some form of suffering, We never realized and we never notice. Some show it rather obviously and some in a really subtle way. There exist people who don’t show signs at all. What kind of affliction is the worst?

Have you ever wondered why the lady in the hospital, soldier in torture or child who got caned cried? They all suffer from sort of physical pain, yes. More importantly, they all are somewhat distressed emotionally.

The lady with cancer cries because she is so

• worried about leaving her loved ones behind.
• embarrassed of the way she looks and being bald
• not sure what day to day brings

You can guess why for the soldier and the child. The fact is physical pain does lead to emotional pain generally. Depressed people choose to jump off the bridge or the building and rather endure the few seconds of damage to their bodies to stop the affliction on their souls.

Say a prayer, talk to a friend, do a run. Plenty of things to look out for. I know, sometimes, you feel like the loneliest soul and just feel desolation. I been there. Whatever you do, know that there is someone out there for you. Know that one day, your pain will lead to hope which in return leads to joy.

Have a nice day wherever you are. 🙂

Hi people, not going to be writing stories for a while. Need some inspiration. Haha. Instead, will be writing on things.

It’s amazing how events change us in such a manner we don’t even realized it. I was talking about yoyos to my sister and I realized, damn, I have a lot of yoyos. It seems like yesterday I was doing a walking the dog trick.

What happened to that kid who collected hot wheel cars, soft toys(yes I did, don’t judge), yoyos and limited edition erasers? It’s hard to get by these days without thinking about the future and the past (like what I’m doing now). As carefree as I am (I seem to be known for that), I do think a lot about what and who am I going to be. The last time I probably didn’t care so much was when I was playing a yoyo. The kid is in still in me but I hardly have time for him anymore.

Responsibility is one word but it means a thousand things. I am on my way to learning more about mine just like everyone else. Life is like a yoyo( don’t know if I actually plan this pun), ups and downs makes us grow but it makes us lose ourselves sometimes too. Like many other things, sometimes, we just need to find time for that kid, to love ourselves and rest.

Walking across the park, he zipped up his jacket and put on his gloves. He could hear each twig he stepped on. No one rarely uses the park anymore to get into the city. The main road was much safer, people thought. He couldn’t be bothered because it was much quicker.

So he kept walking and as he was approaching the city, he saw a lady sleeping under a tree. How could she possibly sleep in this weather, he thought. With only a couple of ragged clothes to cover her, the cold certainly got the better of her.

A cardboard sign read “PLEASE help me. I’m in need of money to get started. I currently don’t have a job. PLEASE donate.”

He wanted to stop and help but he was in a hurry to meet his friends. There were so many homeless in the streets, he couldn’t really afford to help all of them.

He kept walking under the neon lights with familiar sounds of engines running. Only a couple minutes from the restaurant, he stopped by the television store and looked at the news channel. It flahsed ‘Boston suspects apprehended’ and ‘ Attacks in Middle East continue’ .

When the Boston attacks happened, he felt sick inside. He remembered asking his father why is the world so cruel and where was God in all of this. His dad couldn’t answer him at that moment. At Sunday school, he certainly was thought to do good. It wasn’t enough with humanity degrading everyday, he thought.

Opening the door, he went inside and met his friends. Seeing all those familiar faces, he forgot all about the news and it certainly gave him warmth in the midst of everything. He smiled.

After two hours of uncontrollable laughter and a good dinner, they decided to call it a day. He said goodbye to them. As he was leaving, a guy called out to him,

“Sir, excuse me sir!”

“Yup?” He responded.

“You left your phone on the table. Here you go, sir” The waiter smiled.

“Thank you so much.” He took his phone and pocketed it. Thank God for such a kind waiter he said to himself.

Where should he go next, he asked himself. He felt like taking a trip to the bookstore. As he walk, he saw a Dalmatian bringing food to another black dog. The dog was lying on the ground. It doesn’t seem to be responding to the food at all. The Dalmatian tried nudging him. His efforts were to no avail. The black dog had passed away. The poor thing. The Dalmatian continued standing next to it regardless. Many stopped and looked at them. Not long after, dog protection services came and picked both of them up. Someone must have called them.

He decided not to go to the bookstore anymore. He went to the mall instead. He came out with two bags and a hot chocolate.

He walked back towards the park near the streets. He took out the blankets from the bags and put it on her. He then woke her up, “Hi, sorry to disturb you. I brought hot chocolate for you. Thought you might want some.” He smiled. Still a bit dazed at what is going on, she tried to see what’s happening. She was so happy with the blankets and hot chocolate she hugged him immediately.

He had a good chat with her. During she asked, what made him do this? To that he responded, “I wanted to be a Dalmatian and a friend. And it’s the least I could do for a lovely lady like you.” She didn’t understand that at all to his amusement. Before he left, she hugged him again.

He walked towards the bus stop. He thought back of the conversation he had with his dad. His dad didn’t respond then but he did say something later after finishing cooking dinner.

“I should think whoever made these attacks probably didn’t experience as much love as you and I did, son. Love is experiential. It’s not something we know immediately but rather feel it and it is so strong an emotion that it makes us do what we do. It teaches us how to be humans and it gives our dignity an identity. It starts with us son. We are to spread that love to everyone, step by step. And it’s the tiniest of things that makes a difference.”

He took out his wallet from his pocket to take out his bus ticket. To his surprise, he found a cardboard there, it read “Thank you again. I certainly got no money to give you but the best thing I can give you is a warm hug. Thank you so much.”

He smiled and put it back inside his pocket and took a seat in the bus. He now knows where to find God.

Love. That’s where God is.

He rubbed the surface of the tabletop with a dry cloth. Well, someone got to make sure it’s clean. It might as well be him. He took a look at the next order. It was mocha with 1 sugar and using dark chocolate. So, that will be a dark chocolate latte with 1 sugar. It sounds familiar but he can’t put his mind to it. So he began the process.

First, grind the coffee beans. Pour it into a portafilter. Then, push or tamp it as hard as you can. Chuck it into the espresso machine and start the shot. Next step is the milk that is filled with dark chocolate. Heat it with the steamer using the ‘ouch’ method. When it feels like your finger is burning, let go and pour the milk into the cup. Then he added the sugar to it. What kind of latte art he should do, he thought. He decided to go with what he likes to do the most. There it was. Two minutes of perfection.

“Mocha with 1 sugar and dark chocolate for a Miss Caroline!” He shouted and looked around.

“That’s me and I’m not a Miss Caroline. I’m Caroline, you dork.”

He looked at who was talking. Oh. That Caroline.  Well, The Caroline, the most beautiful woman he has ever met.

“Oh hello, hi, hello, hi, wow, what are you, errm, where did you come from? What? How?”

“Hahaha. Same old Matt. I came to visit my cousin. It’s her wedding. I’m in town for a couple of days. I thought you were working in a marketing industry in the psych department or something.”

“Errm… what? Oh, this.” He pointed to his apron. “I’m just helping my friend out. He owns this café and he was short of staff today. After all it’s a Saturday. Just helping out a buddy. I’m not a full-time barista by any chance.” He laughed.

She laughed too.

That laugh was music to his ears.

“I see you have a heart shape here on your coffee. Nice touch.”

“Oh, that. Pure coincidence. I meant I mean I meant nothing by it.” He stuttered.

“Calm down, dork. It’s normal for a heart shape to appear on lattes. Besides, I really like it.”

They both chatted for a while, catching up on old times since there were no new customers yet.

Then a customer came. Matt said, “How about dinner tonight? You have time right? Your cousin’s wedding isn’t until Thursday.”

She replied, “That’s a date. Text me where later.”

She smiled and left the shop.

“It’s. It’s not a date. Forget it. You’re already out of the door. Why am I still talking?”

Deep inside, he felt a surge of adrenaline rush. He didn’t remember drinking coffee that day. His heart was pumping. Fast. The thing was he didn’t want it to stop.

* * *

“What should I wear? What should I wear? What should I wear? I’m talking to myself again. Not good. NOT good. Breathe, buddy. Breathe. Damn it. I CAN’T BREATHE.”

He took out shirt after shirt from his drawer. He searched through his suits and ties and whatnot. Which underwear was he supposed to wear? Wait, why does that even matter, he thought. After hours of deliberation and tough cracking mental processes, he decided to go with a long sleeve red shirt, slacks and leather shoes.

He went to the bathroom and showered. He shaved every bit of hair on his face and even attempted his nostrils. He put on his shirt and he was ready to go.  He hopped into his car and drove off to pick Caroline.

He stopped outside her cousin’s house and looked at his watch. Right on time. He waited for five minutes before knocking on the door. Her cousin appeared and giggled.

“Caroline! Your boyfriend is here!”

“I’m not. Oh man. Why do I even try?”

Then she came down the stairs in a white dress. His mind went blank. There was no talking to himself, no thoughts, no brain waves. The only thought was that she made that dress look better than any other woman.

“Are we ready to go?”

She answered yes. They both left the house and drove off.

* * *

They both arrived at an Italian restaurant. It was lit dimly and there were candles at every table. He once learned in a psych class that restaurants deliberately dim the restaurant lights so that the pupils dilate. It was made to look that the couples are interested in other where in fact it was the dim environment playing the trick. Or is it?

“I thought you hated Italian.” Caroline said.

“I thought you loved Italian.” Matt said in response.

He couldn’t tell if she was blushing but he will give himself the benefit of the doubt.

They both sat down and took a look at the menu. She couldn’t decide what to order. She was stuck between marinara spaghetti and lasagna. Then Matt said, “Why don’t we order both and you and I can share? And we order a few sides as well.”

The meals came and they started to dig in. They sat there and talked for hours, catching up on both of their lives.

It was enjoyable, fun and everything Matt could ever ask for. He could sit there listening to her all night if he could but like all things, it had to come to a stop eventually.

Then there came the end of their dinner. So Caroline asked, “What should we do next?”

“I don’t know. What should we do?”

“We can go to the beach. How about that?”

“Sure.”

* * *

Matt and Caroline walked along the beach quietly and just paid attention to the sound of the crashing waves while the moonlight shone upon their faces. It was silent but it felt loud to Matt.

It was a cooling night but Matt was sweating fervently. He was going to say what he felt all these while but Caroline asked him first.

“So, how come you haven’t had a girlfriend all these while?”

“I.. I don’t know. I guess I’m just waiting for a resolution.”

“Resolution?”

“You know, resolution. 720 pixels. Or if you like, 1080 pixels.”

She hit him. It was now or never, he thought.

Matthew then breathed in and spoke, “There are two types of relationship. One that happens and one that does not. Mine is the one that never happened. You may think what resolution can there be to a relationship that never happened. Well, there is one. A guy can never truly move on until he tells the girl he loves that he does. He does not want to go to a new relationship not knowing whether he has truly moved on cause that would be unfair to whoever it is he is with.”

He paused. He wasn’t sure if he could continue. What the hell, he thought.

“I love you, Caroline. I love you.”

Caroline cried.

He stopped talking and let it sink.

Pulling himself together, he then said “I’m not asking for anything in return cause I know that can’t happen.”

Slowly she said, “Why not?”

“You and I both know why. Now that I told you, I feel much better. I can now move on knowing that I didn’t keep anything inside of me and have no regrets. I and you will always have something special. We’re just not meant to be.”

“How then can I move on knowing this?”

“Because I’m not the one you love. Best friendships happen when they tell each other the truth. And now I told mine. I and you are always best friends and nothing more than that.”

* * *

He drove her back to her cousin’s house. She hugged him before she left.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You did absolutely nothing wrong.” Matt smiled.

He then let go of her hug.

She took one last look at him before she went inside the house. They both waved bye to each other.

“Bye, Caroline. I’m talking to myself again. Great. Well, time to go.”

He turned the engine on, pressed the accelerator and drove off.

He thought back of what she asked earlier.

“So where does this takes us?”

“What about it?”

“Where do we go from here?”

“We go to wherever our hearts tells us to. This is closure. But it’s also the beginning of something new.”

 

 

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” James A. Baldwn

Beep. Beep. Beep. That’s all he could hear around him. 

The nurse walked past him and shut the door behind her. He tried to get up but wasn’t strong enough. All the wires attached to him were holding him back. 

Beep. Beep. 

Tears and laughter were building inside of him. It seemed pathetic to laugh in the room alone and seemed depressing to cry. The thought of his dad waiting outside the quarantine room calmed him down but only a bit. 23 years of life and he ends up in a white room. Isolated. Alone. 

When he received the news that he may have been infected with swine flu and that he needs to be under observation, his heart sank. He could feel tears flowing down his cheeks and he held the hands of his parents tightly. He could feel his parents wanted to break down too but they had to be strong for him. It was the most they could give him at the moment. 

“Don’t worry, Pete. Papa is here alright. I will be here all night. I am by your side.” He remembered his dad saying before being pushed inside.

The first thing that the nurses did was took a blood sample and left him in the quarantine room. He had to wait three hours for the results. Alone. It was a really long time. He couldn’t sleep or eat or do anything. All he could do was thought of the past.  

* * *

“PETER! What is this? “

“What, mama?”

“This.” She pointed at the results slip. 

“WHAT? I don’t understand.”

“You told me that you did well in the last semester. And all these Cs and Ds is supposed to show you did well?”

“Why did you search my room?” Peter shouted.

“I collected your dirty clothes from your room and happened to stumble upon it. Don’t change the topic, Pete. Why did you lie to me?”

Desperate for a response, Peter wanted to lie again but he didn’t know what to say. His mama waited, “Well? Anything? Nothing? How many times have I told you to be honest no matter what the situation it is? How am I supposed to ever trust you? You not only did badly in your school exams but you lied to me as well. What am I supposed to do to you?”

“Nothing would be nice.” he mumbled softly.

“What did you say?” his mum shouted. 

“Nothing.”

He then took a slap to the face.

* * *

He took a few steps to the podium in his suit and tie. A bit too young to wear them but appropriate for this occasion, he thought. He took out the paper from inside his left pocket behind the vest and started reading them out loud. 

“Good evening everyone. And to Mr and Mrs Zhou especially. 

I, today am really sad to stand here. Today is probably one of the saddest days in my life. I not only lost a friend but a brother. He is the reason I’m still here. Through the tough times, the rough and the happy, he was there with me. We did everything together. We chased girls together. We even bathed together.” 

The crowd laughed.

“I mean we were little kids back then. I really miss his inappropriate jokes and his unique laughter. I miss him. The things he did for me will always be remembered in my heart forever. I’m sure every person in this room whether it was his relatives, friends and loved ones were all touched by his generous heart. I just wished God didn’t take him so early. I feel so lost without him. I feel lost without Sam. May his soul rest in peace.” 

He kept the paper and wiped the tears on his sleeve. 

* * *

A hopeless romantic he is. He thought. He looked good. Wait. Not just good but probably the best he has dressed up for anyone. He took out his phone and turn on the front facing camera. Hair? Good. Teeth? No stuck vegies? Good. Last minute pimples? Nope. Good. Everything was perfect.

He checked his watch and then looked at his phone clock again. He didn’t know why he did that. It was 6.30 pm. Where is she? He sat at one of the benches while fidgeting with his tie and checking his watch. Then, he saw her came running. He stood up immediately.

“Sorry, I was late. I had to work overtime for a bit.” She was panting for breath.

“It’s okay. It’s really fine. Don’t worry.” Peter responded.

Lily looked at him and was confused, “Oh, you dressed up. What’s the occasion? And you brought flowers. Lilies to be exact. “

Peter confused and bewildered, “This is a date? Is it not?”

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I… I didn’t know. There’s something I have to tell you.”

Lily sat with him on the bench and told him a story. Half an hour later, his heart sank.

* * *

His head hurt terribly. How many hours has it been? Two hours? One more to go. All these flashbacks are not making his current situation any easier. His whole life is a mess, he thought. He betrayed his mum’s trust terribly, he lost his best friend and there was no way he could ever be with Lily. One bad situation after another was his life’s story. He wished he had done more in his life. He didn’t want it to end that soon.

He tried to take a look outside the quarantine room. He could see a girl talking to his father. He wondered who it was. He couldn’t see from his position. Peter felt like he was at the brink of death and his mouth felt dry. He can taste gastric juice in his mouth. He did not want to leave his parents so early. Almost nothing on his bucket list is even ticked off.  Whatever happened to getting married, having kids and living the dream?

As he was lying on his bed, he looked at the ceiling. It was all he could look at actually. He realised one of the light bulbs was fused. There was a missing piece. His mind drifted away again.

* * *

“Always start at the corners then work your way in, Pete.”

“Why? Why can’t I start in the middle of the puzzle first, mama?”

“Cause it is easier, son. You’re seven years old. I’m forty. I know these things.”

Peter reluctantly started from the corners while pouting. He searched the box for all the corners. He and his mum work on the jigsaw puzzle for hours. As they were about to put the last piece in, he and his mum realised the last piece is not there. They searched high and low for it but couldn’t find it. They couldn’t complete the picture of the ship.

“What are we going to do now, mama?”

“Well, we are going to find that piece,” his mum said.

“If we do not ever find it, this puzzle is useless then. All the pieces that remain are useless.”

While searching for the missing piece across the floor, she responded,

“Well, of course not Pete. One missing piece does not make it useless. It’s just a work in progress. That’s all. There’s no useless piece. All these are important to completing it.”

She continued searching under the sofa.

“Ah, there you go, I found it, Pete. I found it. Would you like to fix the last piece?”

Peter smiled gleefully and put the last piece it.

* * *

It was so long ago that he almost forgotten it until the light bulb moment literally. At seven, his mum already thought him lessons that would last forever. He felt much braver and more optimistic.

With courage, he said a prayer to God, “I’m ready.”

He sat there waiting for the results. The doctor came in about 20 minutes later.

“How are you feeling, Mr. Peter?”

“I think I feel fine.”

“You should. You blood sample came back perfect. It doesn’t seem to have high levels of antibodies. I do recommend you to take the prescribe pills as precaution in case you do have swine flu and do come back for regular check ups.”

Peter breathed out a sigh of relieve. He felt like the cross was taken off his back.

“Just sign some documents and you are good to go. Your dad and your friend are waiting outside for you. Your life awaits you,” the doctor smiled.

After taking out all the wires and change of clothes, he ran outside of the room and hugged his dad and his friend as well. He cried. He had never been gladder in his life.

Peter’s dad drove him home. During the journey, they talked about everything. He couldn’t wait to see his mum. When he reached home, he saw his mum praying at the couch. He hugged her until she couldn’t breathe. He was glad to be home.

He showered and put on a fresh pair of clothes. He sat at his table and saw his graduation photo. He remembered that day really well. To graduate top of his class with first class honours was the proudest achievement of his life to date. If Jason was still here, he would have been proud. They both always said they were going to be bus drivers and certainly software engineer was not on their minds.

He then took out a box and dusted it. He took a letter from a box. Lily is sentimental that way.

Hi Peter!

I’m fine here. The seminary is great. I am learning so much every day and I can’t wait. I met lots of new people. It’s great to see other people having the same passion as me. We play squash and tennis every week. The stuff to study sometimes gets really hard and I have trouble with it but all is good. I am trying my best. Rest assured, your prayers strengthen me a lot.

How are you doing? And how’s Beth? Hehe. I’m glad you found someone in your life that is perfect for you. She is more than I can ever be.  Don’t forget to invite me for the big day. Please say hi to uncle and aunty for me.

                                                                                                                        Your friend,

                                                                                                                        Lily

He smiled and put the letter back into the box.

He then heard someone knocking on the door. It was his mum.

“Hello.”

“Hi, mum. Come on in.”

His mum took a seat on his bed, “So, how are you feeling?”

“I feel great actually. It feels great to be back home.”

“Haha. That’s nice. I was so worried for you, Pete. I’m so glad you’re alright.”

“Me too! Hey mama, remember the puzzle of the ship we fixed back then?” Peter asked.

His mum tried recalling and said yes. They talked about how fun those times were. Then Peter asked, “Would you like to fix one with me tomorrow?”

His mum agreed immediately.

The next day came and they started working on the puzzle. This time, it was a puzzle of a rainbow. They started working from the corners first.

“Mama, back in the hospital, I remembered the advice you told me when I was seven.”

Confused, she asked, “Which advice was that?”

“The one where you told me the bad apples matter too. All situations lead to one another in the end. It’s up to us to learn from it and keep trying. Bad things do happen but it’s the bad ones that make us who we are and really get back up from it.”

His mum responded, “I told you that when you were 7?”

“Well, not directly. I realized it makes sense after all this while and after all that I have been through. At least, I think that was your intention?” Peter squinted his eyes.

“You funny little boy. I don’t know if I ever told you that but I am glad you feel that way. It’s what I believed all along. Since we are talking about this, how about Jason?”

Peter took time to think and then said,

“Well, he had been always my pillar no matter where I go but his death also made me realise how greatly I relied on him. I became more independent and stronger. His spirit was always with me. I’m sad to see him leave but I also learned a lot from it.”

His mum patted on his back, “You really have grown, Pete.”

“The bad situations made things worse but they can lead to something better if we allowed and embraced it. It led me on the path to honesty, diligence and love. I don’t know how many puzzles I have to fit in my life yet but I look forward to see what’s next.”

They continued fixing the puzzle. There it was. The last one. His mum then asked, “Would you like to do the honours, Pete?”

He took the last piece and fixed it in.

“Here comes the rainbow.” Peter and his mum laughed. 

I came back and kissed her on her forehead. She didn’t respond to me. She couldn’t. I sat for a while and then took the bin from underneath and sweep all the tissues that was lying around into it. The doctors already told me that it’s not good if this continues. If I don’t want to go blind, I have to stop. Sigh.

Helpless. Disoriented. Fear. Useless. That’s how I felt. I don’t know what to do or how to act or what to say. I did all I can. There was the shock when I heard the news. Then came the grief. But then it was panic and hopelessness as I think about the future. What are the chances? What is the probability? I watched this on the tele every day and nothing seemed to bother me then. It is true what they said. You do not know what it feels like till you’re in that person’s shoes.

Second, hours passed. I went out for a smoke. Just as I was about to light it, I stopped. I have pain seeing my wife suffering through it. I do not want her to go through the same path as me. I took the pack and threw it away.

I went back in and sat down. I looked at her face. Wrinkles were sprawling across and she looked so haggard. I wanted to cry again but I stopped myself. I have to be strong. I have to.

She once asked me, “Do you know the beauty of life?”. I replied, “Why don’t you tell me about it?”. She then said. “It is unpredictable.”

I responded by saying, “How is that a beauty?”

“It helps us to keep doing what we do. Knowing there might no be tomorrow makes us love all the more.”

I just hope I have another tomorrow with her so that I can love her one more time.

 

I laid down my face on her arms as I needed to get some rest. Something touched my ear. I slapped it off. Then I realized it wasn’t a mosquito. I know that touch. I immediately woke up.

There she was. Her eyes opened up. The unmistakable look. The anesthetic finally wore off.

I didn’t care what the doctors say. I cried and hugged her. We both did and laughed while crying. I can’t describe how I felt or put it to words. It’s like someone put my emotions in a blender and turn it on.

She couldn’t help it but touched her chest after that. It wasn’t there anymore. Tears rolled down her cheeks.  She needed some time to digest it down. I sat there holding on to her hand until she calmed down.

I then found the words I wanted to say. So I asked, “Do you know what’s amazing about this?”

She wondered, “There is?”

“Yes , there is. I can love you all the more. At least I know I can still love you today and hopefully tomorrow too.” I smiled while caressing her forehead.

She squeezed me all the tighter. She then let go of me and smirked, “I just hope the baby in me don’t pick up all these things from you. ”

“Well, I’m just being honest.”

We both laughed.

We did lose a bit of a something that day but I also know we gained much more than just something too. Indeed, it is unpredictable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is patient. Love is kind. This is all I remember from the passage from the Bible. Well, it’s probably because I have a short term memory or maybe it’s the only ones that matter ( I’m in self denial).

Anyway, I have not paid attention to it before and I don’t know why( i do pay attention to mass , i think) .It’s one of my favourite quotes and it’s quite obvious why. This is what we strive for in our daily struggles day by day. We are in need of affection, attention and confirmation of our social status constantly but little did we realise we are not loving that way.

To love is to be selfless. To love is to let go of our ego and pride and to humble ourselves. We live to love.

We can say we love a romantic partner and willing to spend the rest of your lives together. But is that love? Many have their own interpretations but mine is that no matter how difficult relationships get regardless of romantic notion and personal flaws, you are willing to be patient, kind and just with him or her especially when there is no return of the favour. That is the saddest, toughest but the most beautiful kind.

What is the reward though? I always feel that the joy one receives when you help another to learn how to love too is more than enough.

“You got to let go of the past, Michael.”

“I can’t.” Michael said dryly. There was no need to say anything else.

“Why are you seeing the world as a dark place every single time?”

“You know why. Don’t push it.”

“The firing from your job doesn’t help. I know. It burns. I get it. Doesn’t mean you will be touched by the flames again.”

” You know I hate the words fire, burns and flame. Congratulations kid. You just use all of them in a sentence. I hate you.”

“I’m your bro. Come on. I know you don’t mean it.”

“I hate you . H-A-T-E. I can say it again. H for hounding. A for abomination. T for toasted. E for egghead.”

“You know. You are really making me hungry with eggs and toast.” He laughed.

“Very funny! ” Michael was getting frustrated by his antics.

“What was that? I can’t hear anything! Say it again?”

“Argh.”

Paul hesitated a while before decided to say it.

“You know. You were only seven that time. It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. It’s been two decades. You got to stop hating God and hating everyone else.”

“DON’T. PUSH. IT.”

Sitting at the roadside drinking beer with his best friend was what he did every time he gets disappointed. Michael was extremely annoyed with him but he had no choice. He was pretty much the only real friend he had since young. Since the tragic accident, Paul has been his strongest pillar. After all, Paul was there when it happened.

Michael flashed back to two decades ago. So much joy and glee on his face back then. Although his father died early, he and his mum created a happy life together. Paul, from his neighbour’s house came to play with him everyday. It can be a simple game of kite, hopscotch or fixing jigsaw puzzles. Electronic gaming was non-existent back then. His mum tried her best to give him the best possible childhood. She would buy yoyos, tops and capsule toys for him to play with. Michael liked them but what he loved the most were the scrumptious and hearty meals served every day. Paul and his parents would sometimes come over and they both would talk about school or even which puppy they chased today. Life was simple but happy.

Then, the accident happened. Michael was seating in front with the mum driving of course. Paul was at the back. Michael was so young then that he would frequently messed around with the stuff in the car. That day, he unfortunately messed with the wrong item. As his mum was driving them to school, he playfully pulled the steering wheel to the left. A lorry which was driving at 80 in a 50 zone was on the opposite side of the road. Before his mum could responded and turn back right, life flashed in front of their eyes. The lorry came crashing onto them and the car turned repeatedly and plummeted down to the road upside down. All Michael could hear was “Get out, Michael! GET OUT! Take Paul with you. GO!”. As she was saying this, petrol was dripping drop by drop onto the hot cement road. Michael heard the screams of her mother in agony as a man came pulling him out with his arms. He then went back to get Paul who was in concussion. Michael could barely opened his eyes. Blood was gushing down his forehead. As the man wanted to go back to help the mother, Michael saw the car exploded in flames. His mum looked at him one last time and that was Michael’s last memory of her.

The intense heat scalded his skin but what hurts the most was no matter how much he cried, his tears did nothing to cool down the burning and painful sensation in him.

He came back to reality and realized the annoying kid was still seating next to him.

“I could have done something,” he said remorsely.

“Like what exactly, Mike? Like what?”

“LIKE NOT MESSING WITH THE STEERING WHEEL!”

“You were so young…”

“I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOUCHED IT. I WISHED I DIDN’T HAVE ANY HANDS. THEN THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED.”

“Don’t say that. I mean…”

“I WISHED I WAS BLIND AND DEAF SO THAT I CAN’T HEAR HER SCREAMS AND WATCHED HER DIE IN AGONY AND HAVE NIGHTMARES.”

“STOP BEING ANGRY!” Paul snapped.

Michael stopped. He realized he was getting overboard with Paul who was just trying to help him. They sat there in silence. One, two, three minutes. Then Paul disturbed him,

“So eggs and toast on me? To cool your hot potato head down? ”

Michael looked at him and grumbled, ” Egghead.”

“Okay, that was uncalled for.” Paul smiled.

As they got up to walk to the nearby coffee place, Michael saw a little girl walking towards him. He had an uneasy feeling . The girl then turned right to cross the road in the middle without a traffic light crossing. Michael then heard and saw a car coming on to her. He didn’t even think and instinctively rushed to pushed her out of the way.

* * *
Michael woke up with a start. “Ouch! What on earth happened to my head?” He felt throbbing pain. He looked around and found himself in a room. He struggled as he get out of bed. He heard voices outside and couldn’t quite make out what was said. So he went out and checked. He was in an empty living room with no kitchen. He saw four doors; red, black, blue and white. He hesitated to open the red door but then decided to do it anyway to see who is talking. He saw two of them sitting over a coffee table like it’s some sort of interview.

One of them was wearing sunnies in a room without windows. Maybe he was blind. Michael thought. The other one whom he presumed was the interviewer had a scruffy beard. He decided to name him Scruffy. He then started asking questions.

“So how did you become blind?” Scruffy asked calmly.

“Well, it’s either getting poked in the eye or diseases.”

“Which is which? You got poked or you got diseases?” Scruffy was frustrated at question two already.

“Poked in the eye. A guy smashed my eyes with a bottle at a bar fight.” he said grimly.

“Wouldn’t your eyes be smashed then, not poked?”

“OK. A guy smashed the bottle onto a table then poked my eye!”

“Ah. Ok. I presumed you were feeling angry after that.” Scruffy tried to get more out of him.

“I was already very angry before that. Hence, the bar fights. I was angry at everything. Was judgmental at everyone. Angry at my bosses, ex-girlfriends, family and everyone. I drank constantly like a mad man. Was never a happy man but being blind was…,” he hesitated.

“Was what?”

“The last straw. I was completely desolated and dumped. Everyday felt like I was in an abyss and I can’t get out of it. I can’t see! I can’t see a single thing! I felt fear all over my body. When someone or something makes a little sound, I shiver and panic for I don’t know what it was. I was lost. I was so… scared … ”

“Why did you fear? ”

He hesitated and then resumed,

“that I will forget the faces of my family members over time that I try to recall it every minute every day. I didn’t want to forget anything in my mind. The only remaining picture of them was in my memory.” The man hold back his tears. Scruffy let him calm down for a while.

“Alright. That’s understandable. Did it change you?”

“Changed? Of course it did. Being blind was a curse at first but it then saved me. When one of your senses is gone, your other four will sharpen and that’s what happened to me. I started to hear everything clearly and recognize people by voice, scent and touch. The first few years were really hard but my family was really supportive. I don’t judge people by its cover anymore cause I see them through my heart. What I hear is the image formed in my mind. Everyone is beautiful in my eyes. I try to see the best in them. My imagination was my limit. When the sunlight hit my face in the evening, I can imagine the most beautiful sunset. It helped me ‘see’ the beauty of this earth. The actual beauty.” He smiled.

The two then continued talking. So Michael heard enough and closed the door. He moved on to the other one despite being confused at his current situation.

He opened the black door and saw something similar. Scruffy was there again! Wait, how did he get in there? Wasn’t he just in the other room? Maybe there is a connecting or revolving door between the rooms.

This time Scruffy was talking to himself with a guy in suit opposite him. Michael whispered that Scruffy is insane and then took back his words. He was hand signing to him while speaking then he repeated what the other man said in words. Strange but helpful, for him anyways. Michael thought.

” So you don’t play music anymore?” Scruffy asked.

The deaf and mute guy gestured something. Michael figured it was something rude by the manner of it.

“No, I’m not dumb! I’m just asking simple questions first.” Scruffy was not a happy man.

“Fine. I’m sorry. Yes, I was a musician and a damn good one too. I was filled with pride. Do you want to know how did I become dumb?”

“It’s alright. I know how it happened. I am more interested in after that.”

“My self-esteem hit rock bottom. For a musician, there’s nothing more important than his hearing and for some, his or her voice. I lost both. I felt alone, trapped and painful. It was painful for many reasons. I couldn’t play or compose anymore. I couldn’t make a living through music anymore and I failed to support my wife. I lost her too. I felt helpless and it was like drowning in water waving your hands frantically but no one hears you scream. No matter how hard I shout, “HELP”, it was futile. When people laughed or giggled, I have no idea what they are laughing at! When people say something, you try to sign to them, they can’t understand you!”

“So you had to rely on sight extensively? ”

“Yes, i certainly did. Sight was my most important asset. If I was blind too, I would have killed myself. But losing my hearing made me see things from a different perspective. For 27 years, I can hear so to not hear suddenly was shocking but I realised after a few years of self denial it’s not as bad as being blind. I can still communicate through writing and sign language. I start to look at people’s facial expressions more and I can easily sense their joy or pain or shock even if they do not say it. Pictures now really mean a thousand words to me. So, I start paying attention to what people do all around me and you will be surprised at the number of kind actions people do everyday. It’s just that we failed to notice it. There of course will be bad happenings but i started appreciating the good even more. From then, I start hearing differently.”

Michael heard all this and close the door. He left feeling a bit angry for some reason. He then took a few paces to the blue door. He figured he was in a vision or dream or heaven so he might as well get on with it. He opened it expecting Scruffy there but Scruffy wasn’t there. An old man was. Maybe just maybe there wasn’t a revolving door. He was expecting Scruffy to go through the front door. One. Two. Three. Nope. Where did he go?

He took a look at the old man instead. Perhaps in his sixties. First of all, he had no hands. His sleeves were covering his arms. The man aged but certainly look as strong as an ox. He had the military or law enforcement vibe about him. For some reason, he looked really familiar. Mike just can’t put his head to it. He then decided to take the initiative.

“Hi, can I sit down?”

The old man turned towards him for a while and responded, “Yeah, of course kid.”

“Do I know you from somewhere?” Michael asked.

“I’m not sure. I met so many people in my life. I’m so old now.” He laughed.

“What happened to your hands?”

“Oh these!” He was showing his arms. “I lost them back in the day when I was a fireman. A really bad accident at one of the old buildings. I got really really depressed cause I can’t be involved in my passion anymore.” the old man stared at them and sighed.

“Was it inconvenient?”

” Kid , try cutting it off.”

“OK. Sorry. What I meant to say was what difficulties did your face?”

“I can’t play basketball. That’s one.” He chuckled. “I can’t write, cook, type, sweep, clean. Basically, a lot of things.”

“And you are still sad? ”

” NAH. Don’t be silly. I still have my feet and arms. They can do plenty of things now after learning them. Everything is hard at first but if try, you can. I did it. I earn money by selling plasticine figurines. I used a plastic scraper like the ones used to clean plates to make flowers and toys out of plasticine. I would use both of my arms to hold it and by and by, I got really fast at doing it. Adults and children alike buy them from me and sometimes I see them shed a tear or two for me. I am actually really grateful I can touch their hearts even without my hands and also be independent.”

At this point, Michael was getting frustrated with all these ‘perfect’ stories and had to make a point.

“I’m sorry but I can’t help it, do you know me? I have a feeling you do. Why the perfect stories? The happy endings in the end? Why am I here? No more games!” Michael let it all out.

“I was the one that saved you.”

“I don’t understand. It was you? With your arms? How?” Mike was trying hard to recall.

“Yes , it was me. I may have stop working as a fireman but I will always be one. My arms still had good strength then. My gut immediately lead me to save you and Paul. I really wished I could have saved your mum, Michael. I really do. No boy should have seen what you witnessed. Terrible terrible thing to happen.”

“First of all, thank you for saving me. I mean it. Second, you should have left me back there! So that I don’t relieve these memories every night and go through this mojo senses crap! Where am I? Why are you here? Who was Scruffy?” Michael was perplexed, angry, confused and gutted.

“I think you meant Peter. He decided to grow a beard six months ago. He is an important key in this whole thing too. Nice nickname though, kid.” He paused for a moment.

“Who am I is not important. The question is who are you?”

Michael was about to interrupt. The old man stopped him.

“Hold on, kid. Why the anger? Don’t you have any purpose left in life? These ‘perfect’ stories are real and it does happened. Did you think I was going to let you hear pessimistic stories and make you more angry. Remember this, the healthy may not be happy and sick may not necessarily be sad.”

Michael let him talk further. He had no energy left to argue with him.

“Didn’t you wish you had your eyes, ears and hands taken away? So that your mum would not have died? Isn’t that right? So wouldn’t these stories help you to adjust to life better if it actually was taken away? What if all these was just a dream before your mum died and your hands, ears and hands are taken away before that ? Would you then want this dream to end so that your mother survives and you are disabled? Would you?”

“I …I …I don’t know.” The thought of his this being a dream and him losing his senses and his mum returning was frightening all at once. He really didn’t know.

“YOU DON’T KNOW? You don’t?” The man shouted.

“I DON’T KNOW OK! Don’t push it!”

Silence broke out in the room. One. Two. Three. Five minutes passed. Michael broke down and cried. The old man gave him a moment and patted him on the back. Then he started talking again, “The truth is you have lost your senses a long time ago. You couldn’t see and was always seeing the world in black. You were so angry at everything, You never see a beautiful sunset anymore. You also couldn’t hear. You couldn’t hear the beauty of this world and what people have to say. You never listen to Paul no matter how many times he talk to you. More importantly, you couldn’t hear pain. You were not responsive and never lend a hand anymore. Her death had made you selfish and hardened.”

Michael felt a pang of guilt and sorrow at what was being said.

“But i have to ask you a question. Those men and me included whom you heard stories from really did manage to get out of the pitt despite losing one of our senses. Mind you, we lost our senses physcially not just emotionally like you. Some of our family members left us. Some lost our passion. Why then when you have a perfect and healthy body can’t do the same and get out of this?”

“Because… Cause… I.. ” Once again, he was lost for words.

“Because among all those lost from you, you lost your sixth sense too which is the most important among them all. Well, most of it anyways.”

“My what?”

“Your sixth sense. Your heart. Empathy. Truth. Reason. It’s your purpose of living in life and ability to use all your senses meaningfully. What use is it when you have everything but have nothing at all? All those men, they lost one of their senses and started to see the world from a different perspective. They saw the world through their heart. When your mother passed away, you got lost, dazed, angry and you saw and interpreted everything directly. You just weren’t there anymore though it appears you are. You forgot to love. Do you understand?” The man look him in the eyes.

He now realized why stories and testimonies were told to him. But he had questions at what the old man said earlier.

“I am starting to get a bit what you are saying. I think, but why did you say ‘well most of it anyways’?”

“Oh, you don’t remember! I guess it’s normal for brain trauma patients. The girl? You saved her this morning.”

Michael’s brain started hurting. He tried hard to recall. He felt bit by bit coming back. He remembered the little girl and that he pushed her away. But he also remembered he should have died after being hit.

“I guess I am not a total lost case huh? How is the girl?” He then asked the inevitable, “And one more thing, am I dead?”

The old man smiled and said, “You were always kind and generous since young. It’s just that you got lost along the way after being an orphan. That little girl reminded you of your childhood memories and also sparked your senses. Even I couldn’t react that fast and I was a fireman. Your bravery is well admired by a lot of people. The girl is fine and her family is really glad she is safe. As whether are you dead or not, I don’t know.” He grinned then looked at his wrist although he has no watch and look back up, “Alright, it’s time for me to go back. It’s getting late. You should too.”

He stood up and left. “Wait…,” Before Michael could say anything, he closed the door already. He hurried to the door and found no one. Great, just great, he thought. How was he going to get out? he then remembered the white door. He turned left and moved on to the next one. He had no idea what is was but he wasn’t going to waste any more time. He took a deep breathe and went in.

* * *

“Hey, Michael. How are you?”

There she was. The girl of his dreams.

“Hi, my lady.” He smiled.

“Stop calling me that,” she blushed. “In all seriousness, so when are we meeting Paul and tell him he’s the best man?” She asked.

“We’re meeting him later, I wonder how will he respond. Most likely in tears.” They both laughed.

Just as they were about to leave the coffee shop, the shop owner’s daughter went up to them and gave them flowers.

“Oh hi there, little one. How have you been, Teresa? Thank you for these wonderful orchids by the way. They smell really nice.” Michael touched her cheek.

She responded she was well although she was suffering from cystic fibrosis. With her condition, she would have at most ten more years to live. No matter what, her parents was deeply grateful for what Michael had done and they get to spend a good ten years with her. Who knows how far technology in medicine would advance then? They chatted for a while and leave the cafe.

They got into the car and his fiancé asked him, “So for the question your guardian or whatever you called him asked, ‘Would you trade your senses with your mother’s life?’, you never really answer me.”

Looking back at the shop with the girl waving to him, he answered, “You know? You should really stop asking the same question again and again and move on to another one.” He smiled.

She understood and together they went to Paul to tell him the good news.