It’s been about a month since I started my internship back in Malaysia. The public transport back here is really something and by something, I really do mean not much. So, my dad drives me to work each day because the house only has one car and I haven’t learn how to drive yet. Every morning, I will wake up close to 6, get dressed, then go to have breakfast with my dad. At one of those mornings, my dad said, “You know this is much better than last time. Last time, it was straight from home to school. Now, we get to have breakfast too and we can chat,”. It made me remember all the mornings of the 12 years where my parents fetched me to school and as I grew older, I realized I have completely forgotten how significant this was.

I guess this takes me back to the last day where my parents made it a routine to fetch me to school. It was also the last day of my secondary education. I remembered the day like it was yesterday because it was both joyful, and heartbreaking. Finally, the grand projects of 12 years was coming to an end. As I got up that morning, I put on my shirt and tie properly knowing what day it is. There weren’t much students coming that day because only a handful of us was sitting for the exam which was Bible Knowledge. I was looking forward to that night the most as it was my first time watching a movie with friends. In fact, the movie was Tron: Legacy. It was probably one of the few movies I actually manage to catch with my high school friends. Just like that, the day went by. The exams were over! School was done! I also knew that I will hardly see my friends again, the ones I so cherish in my heart everyday and were the ones that made me consider my school a home.

I ran through that day again and again in my mind and I clearly remembered everything except for one thing, the drive. As much as my friends are a big part of my life, my parents have always been my rock although I hardly talk to them as I went through puberty. They were part of my every morning as I slept in the car on my way to school. Imagine that. I slept.

As each day passes, I have come to realised how much I have forgotten about my life, how much I miss my grandparents and how much love my parents gives to me on a constant basis. I think about how much fun it was when all my cousins and relatives were together with my grandparents. We don’t have that any more. I think back of how much stupidity and havoc I and my friends caused in school. We don’t have that any more. As each day passes, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will forget these things. I’m afraid that I will forget, who I was.

I want to remember every single thing in my life. I want to remember all these friendships I have made over the years and not let go of them. I want to go through all those mornings again where I can just sit in the car with my parents. I want to come home to my grandma’s cooking again. I want to do all these things again.

As I lay my head on my bed at night, I asked myself, “What if I forget these things one day?”

I guess I will. Eventually, I will probably forget all these memories but our memories are tied in with our emotion. Every single scenario is tied in with happiness, sadness and anger. The rest of emotions are just a combination of all of them. Just as combination of different chords make up different melodies, combinations of different emotions make up different memories. I remember what I do because they make me feel a certain way.

Understandably, it will be too much of us to remember every thing but we are not suppose to work that way. We work through pit stops. Every day in our lives is a pit stop. We stay at one but never for too long cause there’s so many things to do and see in this world. There are so many other people to help. If we put our hearts into one pit stop alone, can we ever truly live our lives? I’ve come to accept that we, as hard as it is have to move on and not be held back by these memories, as wonderful as they are.

I struggle with the battle to remember everything but I also know, in every situation, it was love that transcends the emotion. I know that one day I will forget these things. In fact, I probably forgotten a lot by now and can’t recall them but the emotions and experiences felt become innate. They are now a part of us. I don’t have to recall them to be who I am. I am who I am because those emotions are within my heart.

In a song, we just need to hear a few chords and bits of verses to remember the whole thing. Our memories work the same way. I know day I will forget but I know there will come a time I hear the same few chords and I will remember the whole song again.

On my last day of school, I told my dad, “Dad, I don’t want to go to Australia. I want to stay here and be with my friends and you all.”. He replied, “We all would like that, don’t we? But life is composed of a variety of colours. You want to look back and say, I have lived all these colours. And what a great life it was.”

I was actually writing a completely different post to this. It was titled the ‘Southbound Train’, a working title. In fact, I wrote two drafts of it and was probably going to write a third one, but only to stop myself. I strongly felt there’s a story in what I experienced but somehow or rather, it didn’t feel right. It felt forceful and a rehash of what I have written before. So, I decided to leave it and who knows, I might have something to write about it the next day.

Anyway, if you don’t already know, I have been practising the guitar. I know! It’s pretty exciting news to myself, maybe not to you, but to me, it’s really something. When I told my friend I was learning it, he asked, “So what are you naming her?”, to which I responded I don’t want to name her as I didn’t feel like playing <insert female name>. It just sounded wrong. We came up with names anyway and he said a guitar has to have a name kind of like how swords have names. Of course, my lightbulb was suddenly switched on. From now on, I shall call my guitar Brisingr! No, it doesn’t work? How about Riptide? If you know these references, you’re awesome. I decided to look up what guitar is in Japanese. My friend said it was probably guitaru. It was actually something that sounded way cooler than that. Are you ready? It’s… gita. I laughed to myself. Anyway, I didn’t end up naming her. Maybe in the future.

So, when I was younger, my mother asked (more like forced) me to take piano lessons. I hated it. Honestly, there’s no other word for it. I simply hated the theory and practising it everyday. My teacher tried hard to encourage me but to no avail and my mum kept persuading until eventually, I told her I wanted to quit. She finally gave in and I didn’t play the piano since. I remembered my mum telling me that I would regret not being able to play it. I don’t know if it’s regret but I certainly don’t mind the skill to play the piano as it is a whole other way to express my emotions and feelings. Thinking back now, quitting the piano actually had a bigger impact on my life than I thought but there’s a story for another day.

So, I didn’t have the skills to serenade girls with romantic songs and I certainly couldn’t contribute more in church choirs or praise and worship sessions. All I had going for is my parched throat chirping out random bird noises that somewhat sounded singing and like a melody but not really. I felt something was missing but I was glad I could help in any way I could but I always think back of the what if scenario. What if I knew the piano? What if I knew the guitar? When I listen to songs, I embarrassingly imagine playing the air guitar and thought how cool would it be to finally even play a simple tune.

It never materialized as year after year, I will always tell myself that I have something to do and that I have no time to pick it up. It wasn’t until last month I took up my sister’s guitar and a ‘Guitar for Dummies’ book that was left to me by my dear friend, sat on the couch and started learning some chords. My sister saw how serious I was and she and my mum decided to buy me a guitar for me to practise while I’m back in Malaysia. An hour ago was probably one of the most accomplished moments I have felt in my life. I have been able to strum a few things but never quite a full song. I remembered the song, “The Heart of Worship” by Matt Redman and I decided to look up the chords and just play it. It turns out the chords were pretty simple and I could managed it but that’s not the end of it. For once in my life, after 13 years, I was able to express to God not only one of my favourite songs of all time, but I was able to play a full song to play for Him to hear. I cried from it cause time and time in my head, I have always wanted to do this but never bothered to do it and finally, I was able to play not parts, but one whole song for the one I love the most in the world.

Do I regret I didn’t continue with the piano? I honestly wished I didn’t quit but there’s nothing I could do about that now. My life would have been very different and I wouldn’t be who I am today. I think there’s a fine line between quitting something because you are not ready and giving up because it’s too hard. I do think it more of the latter than former that I didn’t continue but I figured it’s both. As I grew older, I learned that it’s okay to hold back something until you are ready and certainly don’t give up when there’s tribulations.  Just as I didn’t continue with ‘Soutbound Train’ post, it wasn’t because I gave up on it, but rather it didn’t felt complete enough.

I will always remember what my mum said to me till the day I leave this earth, “When you want to do something, do it whole heartedly or else, don’t do it at all”. That’s today for now. Have a nice day wherever you are. 🙂

Do you remember the scene of the Guardians of the Galaxy during the opening credits? If you haven’t watched it, that’s fine. I’m going to break it down to you. I will state right now it’s one of the best openings I have watched in movies. So, Star Lord/ Peter Jason Quill (played by the ever wonderful Chris Pratt) puts on his Walkman (little known fact: I too use a walkman except it’s a discman rather) and fits his ears with this giant headphones. While “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone played behind, he grabs a rat and uses it as a microphone. Then, he swing and kicked like he owned the world. You know, like how you sing in the shower. Admit it. You have done it. If you haven’t, you haven’t lived. It was simply beautiful. The song was the first of many 70s songs to be featured in the movie. The playlist of the songs was called the Awesome Mix Vol. 1 which skyrocketted to the top of the iTunes charts. So imagine this, a playlist of the songs which were made more than 30 decades ago became popular, again.

I find it strange and at the same time understand why it became popular again. Anything to break the saturation of negative imagery of songs nowadays feels like a breath fresh air. By fresh air, not fresh minty air breathed out by a person but air from the Niagara Falls fresh. The reason I thought of this was when I was listening to Lite.fm, a local radio station (think Smooth.fm) had a tagline which said, “playing the classic hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s and the best of today”. We are 5 years into the decade of 20s and the best of today somehow encapsulated 15 years which seems as though the 21st century didn’t have a distinct identity of their own to be called 10s.

There’s also the common sayings, “They don’t make them like they use to any more” or screams of “WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR GENERATION OF MUSIC? THEY SUCK. PEOPLE USE TO HAVE MICHAEL JACKSON AND BEATLES BUT WE HAVE PIT BLOODY BULL COW AND NICKI FREAKING ANACONDA MINAJ”. Of course, they are usually more explicit than that. There’s also the opposing shouts of “YOU SHUT UP. DON’T TALK BAD ABOUT OUR MUSIC. LET NICKI MINAJ DO WHAT SHE WANTS AND KANYE WEST IS A GENIUS”. Well, yup. Who is right? What is genius? What is our generation’s music?

I wanted to put a few classics from every decade into this column but the task feels rather impossible because there were so many. However, I will single out a few artists and band. Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Abba, Starships, Eric Clapton, Bee Gees, Earth, Wind & Fire, Cyndi Lauper, Whitney Houston, Aretha Franklin, Journey and Queen are some to name. They mostly populated the 70s to 90s area. The 1990s saw the birth of more boy/girl bands like Spice Girls, Westlife, Backstreet Boys, Boyz 2 Men and also teen idols like Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. The Goo Goo Dolls and Oasis made their stamp here too. I’m not going to bother with 2000s because most of my music comes from that decade. There’s just too many to name.

I think that’s the problem with all these remarks and comments on Youtube, Twitter, Facebook and whathaveyous regarding the great music divide between the past and present. If music from the post 2000s were terrible, then I shouldn’t have trouble naming classics, should I? Of course, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Michael Jackson are a tough act to follow but music is not just about their genre or style. Music appears in everything and breathes through whatever we do. It is an expression of our emotion, thoughts and a capture of that moment in time.

The songs from the 70s, 80s and 90s are called classics because it was simply difficult to get a recording contract and get your name out to hear. The songs were on vinyl and then later on to tapes. They were heard mostly through radio. The distribution and promotion to put it in short, was limited. I have no doubts there were so many aspiring artists in those three to four decades that weren’t heard because no one noticed them. Then, came the rising star of the Internet which created a whole plethora of options to promote an artist and digital media sales were now possible. Boyce Avenue inspired a whole generation of Youtube musicians. Now, we have the ever so wonderful Spotify and other streaming applications like Soundcloud, Pandora and iRadio.

So, I really do not stand by the argument that music got worse. There’s still the damn trash of anaconda. The styles in music certainly has evolved but I think that’s wonderful to see we are ever so capable of mixing so many styles to create a new genre. I like to think that throughout time, music had always two sides to it. The inspiration, funk, love, emotion and groove is one side. The other is the sex, drugs and party. It is sad sometimes to see charts filled with music of the latter because is that all we are about now? At the same time, we can’t use charts and billboards as a measure of the quality of our music because there’s just so many of songs out there now and all anyone has to go on is the radio and what latest thing big recording companies money vampire blood sucking corporations try to push out to the public through Vevo. We are so busy with work and studies that we just take in what we see because it just takes too much effort to find your own gems among everything else. Interestingly, the charts have been filled with better music in the past months. That’s my opinion anyway. The reason why our generation of music doesn’t seem to have an identity is because music evolved so rapidly across the span of a few years that it’s hard to pin it down to just a decade.

I think just don’t take what recording companies try to throw at you willingly. Surely, you have been to a night market or something similar. People are shouting at you to buy their products (slippers that glow in the dark or alarm clocks that wake you up with voice of Benedict Cumberbatch) and you just buy it because it’s visually appealing and it’s the first thing you see. Take some time out and try to look for the music you really relate to and need. Sometimes, maybe reminisce over the past decades as well cause they’re so fun like what Star Lord listens to and I assure you it will be worth your while.

Meanwhile I should get back to Footloose by Kenny Loggins and hold a rat as my microphone.

Alright, I’m actually writing this without a title yet. Before you read any further, this is actually not a post like all the other posts. By other posts, this isn’t one of those emotional/inspirational I try to be but failed miserably sometimes posts.

So, I got onto Facebook and I saw a friend request much to my surprise. I haven’t gotten one of those in a while. I saw who it was and struggled at first to recall the name cause the picture looked hugely different. After a while, I soon remembered that I met her before in tuition eight years ago. For those of you that do not know, tuition is where we take extra lessons or classes out of school because the teachers in school sometimes suck. I remembered her because she sat next to a girl that I was sure I knew because I could have almost guaranteed she was the girl that texted me a year before that she liked me although I haven’t seen her before and scared the crap out of me and also I couldn’t find any girl with a similar name from a similar school but she denies that she’s the girl when I asked her in my texts. So back to the one who added me, I don’t remember her cause she was so very noisy and had a geeky look. Guys, I’m sorry! I took in mostly only physical cues eight years ago. Shut up. So, when I saw that she added me, my response was hey, it’s a flash from the past and also, oh my, how the years have gone by and puberty have changed her. By change, I mean supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Ha. Anyway, her friend request also unlocked memories that I forgotten I have about my life as teenager in those years.

I was a dork. I still am a dork but I was more of a dork back then. Clearly, I was an admirer of the Dorkian folk and I embraced it like a child. So, I’m going to go through the years where I did tuition for the Malay language. So, I started off by going with two friends who are more like acquaintances but I got along well with them. So, it wasn’t too bad. I fooled around so much that I barely learned anything out of the it. The following year, now, I went with a childhood friend and sat in the front row. Front row! I don’t even know why I was so keen but I clearly had a thing for it. This was also when I met that chic who wasn’t a chic back then but very much so now. This was also when the teachers start picking on me, i.e. asking to answer questions and read things out loud because people who sit in front usually don’t get asked those things right. Right?

The next three years comes the phase of the quiet bean. I went to all of those classes like Aragorn/ Strider from Lord of the Rings whereby I was a lone ranger and please don’t disturb me cause I had a sword in my sheath where I will not hesitate to take it out and point at your throat when being asked questions. I know. I never took it out but I was still a quiet bean though cause I didn’t have any friends that I knew. See, I thought I wasn’t quiet when I was in high school but I clearly was now that I look back at it. So that third year, I sat next to a girl (whom I actually I can write a whole chapter of my life on) whom I barely talked to then. Even then, I looked forward to seeing her. Oh please. I’m not a stalker. It was a quiet crush. Stop being judgemental.

The fourth year, this was where I actually started being serious in class cause I wanted to do well for my high school certificate exam. So, I barely talked to people around them although I roughly know them. This time, I was in the third row of the class but I’m not entirely sure if the chic was in the class but the other two girls were. Again, I was in Aragorn mode and was such a keen bean. Alas, teachers again like to pick on me. This time, I was asked to do some reading of the literatures we were studying at the time. It was about ten pages. Alright, it’s not too bad, he’s probably going to ask me for the last time. It turned out that something about me (I would like to think it was the mature/ bloody good looking appeal of Aragorn) made him kept asking me every single week. A year later, I have now sat in the last row of the class. Funny how times have changed me. Nothing else did. Anyway, I found an answer as to why he picked me. One day, after I read finish, he said, “Your voice changed today. Did something happen?”. He said my voice was used to be a sad voice and he liked hearing it. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Anyway, this was a random post. I really don’t have anything else to add except that I see myself becoming a vastly different person through that span of five years where I went from almost exploding talkative to a quiet mouse. Of course, being abroad has changed me a lot in that aspect too. I am probably still a relatively quiet person now but in a different way. I speak out when I have to and don’t when I don’t need to. To be honest, I didn’t mind getting picked by the teachers to do things. It probably helped my self-esteem a lot that I didn’t even realise it. Sometimes, you may want to just not do anything and be bothered with people at all but somehow some guy or girl manages to annoy you enough to make you care. It’s alright sometimes to get out of your shell. Don’t act like you’re the only person in this world. Try being the person to speak first. You never know whose life you might change.

Now, I should probably go back to accept that friend request.

What a strange little title to end the year, isn’t it? Initially, I had the idea back in my head to write a piece on flowers. I even did background research on it and everything. Alas, I felt this was more fitting to end the year with. First off, I would like to wish you Happy New Year and may all your resolutions come true. 🙂

I have been getting a lot more viewers on this blog lately! That’s really due to my shameless promotion. Aha. I tell my friends about it and some of them visited it and stayed behind. Good on you, person who is reading this and thank you for that. Thank you for having faith in me. The posts I feel particularly connected to were ‘Fight or Flight’, ‘Hello.Love.Heartbreak’ and ‘There and Back Again’. I wrote stories again! In fact, the grand total is… two which are ‘Angel’ and ‘Second Glance’ . A friend mentioned that ‘Second Glance’ reflected me as a person now and I really don’t know what that means but I definitely know I don’t have a wife and a kid. If I could say which post set the tone for this year, it was really ‘Fight or Flight’ because it impacted me on an emotional level and recent events brought back the lividness of the memory.

I’m two paragraphs in and I have made no single mention of the title. So, when I was young, I remembered sitting in one. This was when I was cute. Aha! Stop snickering. So I was six years old and I rode in my first cable car trip with my family. I highly doubted my family would have let me sit the cable car alone. I should also mention to you now that my first flight was when I was five to the land down under. Yes, Sydney. So back to the cable car, I remembered sitting in it and I was excited like a kid who swallowed ten packets of lollies. My sister however wasn’t. She feared roller coasters for a reason and this was just scary for her. Imagine this. You are sitting in a cable car across several metres, travelling from one point to the other hanging on nothing but you guessed it, a cable. If anything happened and the cable snaps, you fall into the land of nothingness.

I sat in it and I feared nothing. I guess being six years old helped and I was excited about every single thing and it showed. I asked my sister, “Why are you scared?”. Backtracking to my first flight, I didn’t sleep at all mind you. The flight was 8 hours and my word I was giddy. I sat up all night playing video games on screen and I asked my mum and sister a question 7 hours in. “Why aren’t we landing yet? Can we land now?” They laughed with shock on their faces and told me not to say stuff like that. Just with the cable car, I feared nothing on my first flight.

15 odd years later, I realised why I never feared. I had faith in a cable and in an airplane. It’s a bit odd isn’t it to have faith in a metallic wire that has current running though it. As a child, I trusted every thing but more importantly, when I put my faith in a cable and in an airplane, I put my faith in the people that build and operated it. My faith and trust in them was what carried me to my destination. With my family by my side, I had no reason to fear or whatsoever.

15 odd years later, it’s a trying time for the aviation industry with three aircraft incidents related to my country or at least my country’s neighbour happened this year. 15 odd years later, a man whom people still don’t know much about held a group of people in the city I study in hostage which resulted in three deaths.

Upon a day after hearing the news of the Sydney Siege, I took a train into the city at night. For once in my entire life, I had fear when I took the train and looked everywhere as I walked. A week after the incident, I sat in my flight home hanging tight to my seatbelt when it was under serious turbulence with horrifying images flashing by my head. Have I lost faith in humanity and humans themselves?

I know what it feels like for people to not have faith in you. Humanity throughout history teaches us that we really suck. I really do mean we suck. It’s that simple. Let that sink in. Since the beginning of time, humanity has failed time and time and never learning its lessons but the failed nature of humanity has never stopped humans from trying time and time again. If we lose our faith in humanity and in humans themselves, will we ever try time and time again?

I remembered someone telling me she wasn’t sitting in Malaysia Airlines because she feared it and didn’t trust it. It was reasonable and unreasonable. In fact, I was actually very annoyed to the close point of being outraged by what she said. I have always said this, we still don’t know what happened to Mh370. We know Mh17 got shot down. How is it then we doubt the national airlines of our country? If people doubted it, shouldn’t that exactly be the time we had faith when it’s trying times and in dying light?

In the aftermath of the Sydney Siege and report after report and theory after theory being churned out, I visited Martin Place with a couple of friends. If you weren’t there, you wouldn’t believe it or maybe you will. The scent of flowers filled throughout the air and there was a massive line of people just waiting to put flowers for two people whom they have never met before in their lives. There were hundreds waiting to write condolence letters and messages for the victims. People were mourning but the air wasn’t just filled with scent of flowers but it was scented with humanity once again. My mum asked why I visited the place, I replied in response, “Why not?”.

I know my nature is more of in hope and in faith. Am I building castles in the sky and just grasping at straws? Shouldn’t I be more practical and put more stock in strategic solutions and methods? As a future aerospace engineer, shouldn’t I think of ways to increase the safety of aircraft and perhaps pilot error can be reduced significantly? As an international student, shouldn’t I think of campaigns to advocate for the safety of the public amidst the idea of terrorism finally successfully creeping into members of the society? Yes, I should but they should not be done with a view that all is lost with humanity and that humans can’t be trusted to protect the security of the nation or pilot an aircraft. They should be done with the view that yes, we still have faith regardless of what happened.

We all have been through periods where no one and I do mean no one have faith in us. It was heartbreaking to see the pictures coming out of the AirAsia crash. I really wanted to cry when I saw the response of the family members. It wasn’t the picture of the wreckage that made me cry but the picture of a person in tears because that is what humanity is. It is essentially every single one of us with a regard that we could be them and they could be us. In trying times and dying light, I could easily lose faith and asked why and how and all the relevant questions or I could hope and have faith we will bounce back from this in the midst of that.

While reports are not determined and investigated fully, I will always have faith that engineers and the pilot did everything they could and to the best of their ability. When madman and gunman choose to threaten a whole nation, I will always have faith that humanity will thrive at its lowest. That’s how I choose to live my life because sometimes, a little faith goes a long way.

As a child, I trusted a cable and a aircraft. 15 odd years later, I trusted an operator and a pilot.

What happens when life gives you a second glance?

“Claire, where are you? Claire, can you hear me?”

Silence.

“Claire! Come back. I need you.”

Silence.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. This is all my fault. I could have saved her. I could have. What have I done?

If I could have one more day with her, just one more day. Please. A day is all I need.

I closed my eyes and lay my head to rest. I could never forget her eyes pleading for help and showing fear.

* * *

“So,what are we watching today Chris?” Claire asked.

“How about the new Star Wars flick?” I smiled and asked.

The cinema was packed today. There hasn’t been a Star Wars film for 18 years and there’s still a cult till today. I, like them have waited this long. People were coming in from left, right and centre. The scent of butter caramel filled the air.

“You want to take us to watch a sci-fi flick for our first date?” she responded with her eyes looking at me strangely.

“What’s wrong with that? I think it’s pretty cool to have Star Wars as our first date.”

“You can’t be serious?” she gave me that look. I know that look.

I really wanted to watch it. I had to pick today out of all day for movie night. Goodness, what should I do.

“Can’t we watch something else like perhaps A Walk to Remember?”

“But…”

“Please, pretty please.”

Make that 18 years and 1 day.

“Alright, let’s go and watch it.”

* * *

I woke up with a start. Was I dreaming? I immediately went to my living room and looked at my photos.

It was there. The photo of our first date. We were at the theatre. I remembered taking it after the movie. There were Star Wars fans who cos-played all around us. This was probably the first time I dreamt of the past. Is that even possible?

I put on a fresh pair of shorts and shirt. I wore my joggers and left the house. I needed to clear my mind after that.

I arrived at the park. It was surprisingly empty.  The usual old couple at the rusty bench weren’t there. Where was everyone? All I see are the shed leaves from the trees. I didn’t think any further and turned on my Fitbit watch. I started to run. I ran as fast as I could.

I am not as fit as I used to be. Back when I was a fireman, I used to run at least ten kilometres everyday. It was both a choice and necessity. Every second counts.

A second. That’s all the difference it makes.

My iPod was with me. I decided to put in some music and left it on shuffle. Ain’t that a surprise.

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In others words baby kiss me.

Alright, maybe this wasn’t what I was looking forward to when I’m running.  I was expecting a bit of upbeat music and not jazz. Jazz was always my wife’s favourite music and not mine. As I kept running, I remembered the day I gave her this song.

* * *

“What’s this?”

“It’s a mixtape, silly.”

“It feels more like a disc than a tape, Chris,” she snickered. “What’s in this disc?”

“I have been compiling this for weeks now. It’s some of my favourite songs and yours.” I told her.

“Do we even have a song? Like our own song?”

“Do we need to have one?”

“I don’t have a Walkman with me at the moment. How do I play this?”

I looked at her and said sarcastically, “Maybe, we can use the CD player that’s in the car that we are sitting in at the moment…or not.”

“Keep acting smart and one day I will leave you.” she responded.

So, we took an half an hour drive along the highway and the night was ours. Fly me to the moon, Fast Car, Collide, Angel of Mine, Chasing Cars, How Deep is Your Love  and the list goes on.

“I love this very much Chris.” Claire looked me in the eyes.

“I’m glad you do.”

“Can I give you something too?”

“What is it?” I asked her excitedly.

That was the night we had our first kiss.

* * *

I looked at my watch and it turned out I ran around 6 kilometres today. Not bad Chris. Not too bad at all. Ah, I can hear it. The lovely sound of the milk being frothed.

“A long black please. Add two sugars to that.”

“That’s a lot of sugars Chris,” the barista gave me a judging look.

“I just had a run, I think I’m good for today,” I smiled.

“If you say so laddie. Are you meeting your friend today?”

“Ah, the good friend. Yes, I am meeting Peter today. He was suppose to run with me but overslept as usual. He should be here in five minutes.”

I got my coffee and sat down at a nearby table. I don’t know why I keep coming to this place. Maybe cause it’s the nearest to the park and it’s outdoors. Maybe cause the people here are nice. Maybe it’s just me.

Peter came soon and called for me.

“Chris!”

“Look at you, on time for coffee but didn’t show up for the run. Aren’t you lazy?”

“Hey, thirty five years of bad habits ain’t going to change overnight.”

“Sure, sure. Have a seat Pete.”

“Hey I will be real quick. I actually have to take care of my sister’s kids. She’s got something urgent all of a sudden.”

“Oh, you could have cancelled Pete. Don’t have to worry.”

“Yeah, I know. I thought I should give you these photos. I didn’t want to waste another day.”

“What photos?”

“They are from Claire.”

* * *

It turned out that these photos were from years ago. The day before she died. She had asked Pete to touch up these photos properly so that she can give them to me. Pete and I were so busy handling her funeral that he forgotten about it till today. Only Pete will still print photos. I guess he was sentimental like that.

I had no idea what photos are this. I thought I had all our photos that we took together. I sat in my car and hurriedly opened the brown envelope.

They were all places. The places that we have been to  together except it didn’t have us in it. It was just the place itself. The cinemas was there. The highway was also there. Everything was also there. It was all places where we celebrated something. Perhaps she was going to give this to me on our anniversary.

I laid back on my car seat and closed my eyes. How am I suppose to get over the woman I love? It’s bad enough I think about her every day but these photos made me miss her so much more.

Why? Why now? I slammed my hands onto the steering wheel. I didn’t care. I kept hitting it till my hands were now red.

Wiping my tears on my sleeves, I flicked through the photos. I flicked to one with a train station in it.  I don’t remember what was significant about this. It was just like any other day.

* * *

“Chris, I can’t do this anymore”

“What can’t you do Claire?”

“My studies, my work, my family. I’m sick of everything.”

“Come here.” I hugged her.

We sat watching trains pass by for three hours. I held her onto my arms and we both didn’t say a word.

Silence.

* * *

I decided what I need to to do. I pushed the accelerator and started driving. Using the photos as a guide, I decided to go to all of them one by one. I needed to do this. I couldn’t save her. At least I could do this now.

The memories were getting more vivid as I visited all the places. Memories I never knew existed.

Over the years, I have forgotten.

There were thirty pictures in that envelope. I have probably run though twenty-nine of them. One more to go. I looked at it and stopped the car instantly. It can’t be.

This was where it happened. This was where I made my mistake.

I picked up my phone and called Peter immediately.

“What’s up Chris?”

“Hey, when did Claire send this pictures to you?”

“About a week before the accident. Why?”

My heart sank. It can’t be a week. Why is there a picture of it? I don’t understand.

“Chris, you still there? Chris! Hello?”

I put down the phone. I had one last stop to go to.

* * *

I parked my car and got down. The building was there. It was just as how I remembered it. After all these years, it’s still standing. Unbelievable.

The building was on the side of the road. In front of it was this big water fountain with benches all around it. This was where the office workers will come to sit and have lunch. Sometimes; to just have a chat. It was a historical building with ten floors. It looked like it came out of war movie but it was solidly build. Sturdy might I add. The brown colour made it blend well with the fountain and trees.

I always wonder what it will be like coming back here. I shouldn’t have driven here. This was a bad idea I thought.

I suddenly saw a fire brigade came by. I recognized it. This was the one I was in on the day. Everything around me quickly changed. The building was now on fire. People were running out of the building. Then, I saw myself.

I have returned to the day of the accident.

* * *

“Chris, think this through clearly. Don’t go gung ho into the building just cause your wife is in there. You have to think rationally when you are in there. I know how hard this can be,” my superior said.

“Don’t try and think for a second that you understand how I am feeling, I’m going in now.” I shouted back at him.

I still can’t quite believe what is happening. It feels like I’m a bystander and watching a movie clip unrolling.

There had been a fire explosion in one of the offices. It was something to do with bad wiring and retrofitting. The alert issued was an amber alert which means the fire was highly severe. I could see everyone screaming and running out of there. The smoke levels on the 9th floor was increasing rapidly and it was going to engulf the whole floor soon if nothing was done.

My wife was on the 8th floor.

I saw myself unloading the hose onto the fire hydrant frantically. I tried calling out but no one could hear me. I followed myself into the building and hurried up the stairs.

One, two, three, four, five and 195 more steps to go. I was having trouble keeping up with myself. As we are about to reach the 7th floor, I can hear the floor collapsing. The 9th floor was gone which means … Claire.

We went to the 8th floor instead. A couple of other firemen were following closely behind me as I had lead. I see myself opening the door and the heat almost blew me back. The fire has now almost consume everything. In the corner, I saw Claire trapped under a cupboard.

I stood there watching everything unfold again.

* * *

“Claire! Claire! Where are you? It’s Chris. Claire! Where are you? Can you hear me?”

My voice was dying to not be overpowered by the flames and heat.

“Claire, where are you? Claire, can you hear me?” I shouted all the more.

“I’m here, Chris!” my wife shouted weakly and waved her arms.

I ran to where she was at and signalled my other friends to come help me. Just as they came, the floor between me and them give way. They couldn’t help me.

“Claire, it’s alright. I will get you  out of this baby. Just stay with me.” I tried helplessly lifting the cupboard by myself.

Come on! Why can’t I lift this? Why is my adrenaline not helping me? Come on!

I soon hear the floor beneath her creaking. I knew what was going to happen.

“Baby come on. Don’t do this. Don’t give up on me.” I shouted exasperatingly.

She looked at me and said go. I held her hand tightly and the floor give way soon after. We both dropped onto the floor below us. The last thing I remembered was hitting my head on the floor and that was the last time I saw Claire.  I suffered a concussion and blacked out.

* * *

Everything around me changed again. I was back at the front of the building. The fire was gone. The brigade disappeared. The building was partially destroyed. What just happened?

I was in shock. As I saw everything unfolded, I realised I was wrong about what I thought happened. I soon heard a voice behind me. I knew that voice.

“Chris.” she smiled at me.

I turned back and gasped. Claire was standing there. It was almost she never died and looked the same age as before and as beautiful as ever. “How is this happening?” I asked.

“It doesn’t matter does it? I’m here Chris.” I hugged her tightly. I missed her so much. It was her face. I put my hands on her cheeks.

“Have you been doing all these?” I asked her.

“What have I been doing?” she replied.

“I just saw you in the fire and I had a very strange day. The photos. The dreams. The flashbacks. Everything.”

She didn’t say anything. She just stood there almost as if waiting for me to continue my sentences.

“Am I dreaming again?”

“This is definitely very real. See?” she touched my face and smiled.  I cried. I have not seen her for five years. I never thought I would see her again.

I sat down with her at one of the benches and we just started talking like she was never gone.

“How is it like over there?”

“It’s everything and so much more. It’s like all the stories we hear but even better. So much better.”

“When you were at the fire, you were never scared. Were you?”

She shook her head in agreement. “You were there, I was never scared. The fear was gone when you called me out.”

“All these years, I always thought you were afraid. I couldn’t do a thing to help you. I felt so useless.”

“The past teaches us many things, Chris. Sometimes, we just don’t remember things as they were as we grew older. Sometimes we forgot about them altogether”

“What does it teach us?” I asked.

“Silly, you should know better than me by now.”

“Why did you take a picture of the train station?”

“It wasn’t the anniversaries or first dates that mattered the most, what mattered was you love me whenever and wherever. You did the best you could every single time. Till the moment I died.”

My head and hers were now close to each other. Deep down, I knew what she meant.

“Hey before you go, can we have a dance?”

“I thought you never ask.”

I held her onto my arms as long as I could. I know this dance wasn’t forever. What I have is now. Forget about later. Forget about her leaving me. I just want to dance with her. I sang this as we danced.

You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me
Can’t you see
You’re everything I hope for
You’re everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Holding back my tears, I hugged and kissed her for one last time.

* * *

I picked up my son from his grandma’s place. I can’t believe he’s 6 already.

“Hi daddy, where are we going?”

“We are going to get a hot chocolate. How about that?”

“Yay!”

I held his hand and walked to a cafe. We ordered our drinks and sat down. I took out my pen and my diary and put them on the table.

“What’s that, daddy?” my son pointing at my diary.

“This is a diary, dear.”

“What do you do with it?”

“You write about what happened today and look back at it in the future.”

“Why would you want to write about the past? Isn’t tomorrow better? I want to eat pancakes tomorrow!”

“You are right. You know what’s better. Today. Today is good.”

“If today is good, why do you write about the past?”

“In the events that happen yesterday whether it’s sadness or joy, we sometimes forget what we did. It can be confusing and dark. Only when we appreciate our yesterdays can we truly move on to today. They are the answers to the questions we have in the present.”

“Daddy, I don’t understand.”

“One day you will.”

“Do I need one daddy?”

“Maybe when you are older.” I smiled.

When I started this blog almost two years ago, I remembered a friend told me, “I want to see you writing more personal posts and your thoughts on things.” as I was writing more stories that time. I had a blog previously when I was 15 and that is now dormant. I started this one because I remembered the days I used to write stories in school and I didn’t any more as university didn’t require that. So, I wrote “The Sixth Sense” as my first post. I don’t remember what inspired me. If I recall correctly, it was the title of Mitch Albom books that did it. One title read “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”. I have never read it then but I got inspired by that and started to think about my senses and somehow we were missing something. The story wasn’t my most structurally and grammatically correct post to date but I think it was my finest idea when I looked back at it now. Little did I realize my posts were more personal as I wrote more and I found out that my friends were inspired by my emotions and struggles that I go through everyday. That gave me courage to write more personal ones because I know in my sadness and struggles, someone out there gain strength and hope.

Yesterday could have been ranked one of my saddest days in my life. I got my exam results yesterday and they weren’t the best. Thank goodness I didn’t fail anything but I almost did. It was a new low for me. At the same time, I couldn’t quite believe it but at the same time, I know it’s true. It’s just been hard. Nothing was working out for me this week. I felt my world blacking out as I doubted every single fibre in my body. I prayed. I talked about this before with a friend. What happens when you are tired of trying your best? What if your best isn’t enough? What if your faith has gotten to such a low point that you feel there’s nothing left?

I didn’t plan on telling this to anyone. Then, one by one of the blessings came rushing back to me. On my hand, I have a guy that doesn’t know me well trying to get me a job at an engineering industry the best he can. On another, I have my best friend talking to me about it and comforting me. As I got through today, someone said thanks to me for helping her pass her exams. There were a lot of things in between as well. These might seem little things but in the midst of suffering, the glimmers of hope were enough to make me get up and appreciate everything I have in life. I lost that fight along the way. I lacked energy and motivation as I got through my studies. It was frustrating no doubt but I also remembered I have people around me to help me get through this. I also remember that that especially in your lowest moment, that’s the moment you have to hope again.

I will need time. I will recover from this. The time will come again when I will give my absolute everything in what I do. Today, I shared my personal story because I know I’m not the only one that has lows in life. Everyone goes through them and they normally hide it pretty well because they don’t want to feel vulnerable. Just as I found hope from people around me, I hope you found hope from this as well. No matter what happens in your life, remember the people who remembers you. Remember the blessings God has given you. Remember that there’s always hope and it’s for you to believe. When you begin to doubt yourself, know that everyone goes through it. To quote a friend of mine, “Understandably, we all have our own journeys, but at the same time, we are on the same journey”.

Love is possibly the strongest emotion in our lives. Look at the most famous songs of our time and of the past. It wasn’t the hip-hop and catchy lyrics that became treasures in peoples’ music playlist. It was the ballads, the heart wrenching songs, the breakups, the serenading songs that became an everlasting memory. Although we may have overplay those songs and shut it out of our minds, come a few years later when the song pops up on your radio or your random music playlist, the emotions come pouring through again and you feel you are reliving the memory.

I can’t say I have had plenty of relationships. I can’t say that I have dated much too. I guess they mainly come in the form of crushes, that sudden burst of excitement and fascination about the girl that I have just met or something she did triggered it in me. Do you really need to be in a relationship to know what love is though? Can someone on the bench know what it’s like to be on the field? I guess my thoughts about this are born out of deaths, personal experiences, observations and my spiritual faith.

They say love comes when you least expect it. Everyday we meet people in our lives and have conversations with them. That guy or girl could very well be the one you will spend the rest of your life with. We don’t know and I think that’s something truly beautiful. I guess it usually starts with a first impression. He or she feels different compared to the others. It could be the conversation you had, their voice, their eyes, their smile or the way they approach you. You feel this might go somewhere and you chat longer. The chasing begins and if you are fortunate, it ends with you two being together.

Every relationship is a risk. If there isn’t, then it wouldn’t be called love. The very act of love is not knowing where it’s going to go but you are willing to wait and find out because the person is truly important to you. Like anything, it comes with its stress and strain. The initial burst of excitement has now died down and what people are entering after that is the comfort zone. The two are comfortable with each other and sometimes there’s trouble with that. Your initial phase was based on the excitement and the unknown. The mystery of the person intrigues you. After all is said and done, what happens next?

Love is not something that can be quite explained in words. It’s felt and experienced. You will know it when you feel it. Love can be tangible with patience, selflessness, sacrifice, time, laughter, sadness, attraction and so much more. Love encompasses all of that. I know when I love someone, I feel something at the bottom of my heart. Physically, I feel something there to be honest but that’s just me.

How do you know when you stop loving someone? What happens when you feel like you are in limbo? You want to be with a person but you are still not sure if you love the person any more. No one can answer that question for you except yourself. Maybe ask yourself, why do you feel this way? What went wrong? Do you not have that light headedness any more each time you see him or her? Love is a two way street at times. If you really love someone, you yourself must put effort into it as well and make time for things. Are you with your her simply because you dread finding another one? Are you with him because things seem comfortable enough and it feels neither right or wrong? I guess you should ask yourself the question, is there anyone out there that can make you feel happier than he or she does?

I think in our day and age, we are mesmerized by the romantics of it all portrayed in movies and books. Life does not always turn out that way. I know my parents didn’t meet in the most perfect of circumstances but I’m pretty sure they love each other till today. Sometimes fiction is beautiful but it does not mean we impart it on our own reality. Sometimes, we have to remember that it’s our life and not others. Every story plays out differently and isn’t that why we meet each other to talk about it?

Don’t give up that easily on someone for giving up in itself is the easiest path. If you have asked yourself all the right questions and you feel he or she is inadequate for you, maybe something needs to be done. I said this at my sister’s wedding and I will write it here again. When there’s trouble or difficulty in your relationship, think back of the first date. Think back of that first day. Think back of what drawn you to that person initially because I’m sure you will remember them. That was the defining moment. Cherish that moment and keep it in your hearts forever. In the end, love prevails.

So, a friend that I haven’t spoken to messaged me on Facebook last week, this was in the midst of exams and so I didn’t reply him. I have known this guy for more than 5 years now. He was one of the good guys, always funny with his sarcasms and seemed carefree all the time. When I met him initially, he was fairly quiet. He was always stuck in his own work and the impression that you get off him was neither here nor there which really means he didn’t left an initial impression.

When I was in high school, I knew quite a lot of people.During then, I was always living in the moment. I couldn’t care what the next day bring or where I was going to go in the future. I was also always really sleepy in class. I would go to bed at 1 am and wake up at 6 am. I honestly can’t remember what I was doing, staying up so late. This was the pre-smartphone era and I wasn’t on my laptop all the time. I don’t read novels during the semester. I think I may have been reading Archies comics actually. Wow, I have gone so off tangent. As I was saying, I knew quite a lot of people. It was because we see each other in school all the time. You can’t really hide from anyone. He and I couldn’t hide from each other and so we got to know each other. Although high school has finished, this guy that didn’t leave an initial impression went on to become one of the guys I will always remember.

This guy spammed me on Facebook and asked me when I was coming back and wants to catch up. I told him I didn’t have plans to stay back in Malaysia for long this time. So, I asked him casually how are things. He then told me his dad has fourth stage cancer. I honestly thought he was messing with me for one second as he was always joking about things. Unfortunately, he wasn’t messing with me this time. His dad’s cancer has spread from the colon to his lungs. Initially, everything was okay after the large intestine was operated on but it came back and now it has got on to a very serious stage. He told me he was at crossroads and didn’t know what to do. He said he wanted to quit his studies and just work full time to support his family. I told him to keep studying because that’s what his dad would want him to do. He probably has kept this inside him for a long time now and only now was telling someone about it.

Flash forward a week later, I sat at a cafe with my own father. I missed this, I said to myself. My dad has spoken a lot of things to me since young and I figured I probably didn’t remember all of them. At this stage of my life, I realized I remembered almost every single thing he and my mum said. I may have switched off during those times but his words were inspired by events in his life and as I am now living mine, they have become part of my moral compass. Thinking back of my friend, if what’s he experiencing happened to my own father, I probably would have lost my sense of direction and like him, be at crossroads.

Flash forward a few hours later, I was folding cards as part of the table’s decorations for my sister’s wedding with my family. Mind you, folding cards is a mundane thing. It’s one of the most mundane things you can do. It was also during this time I seen my mum laughed uncontrollably for a long time. It was also during this time my dad said to me, “Fold the cards slowly, savour every moment. It can be mundane but if you find meaning in whatever you do, even the most mundane things can mean something.” I didn’t even realize I let time slip by and just folded the cards without thinking much of people in front of me. I started to fold them slower and remembered that my sister’s wedding is once in a lifetime. I don’t even know if I will get married. I started to remember things go by sometimes in a flash and we forget to spend time with people in front of us even when we are beside them.

Things happen outside of our control all the time. One day, we can be perfectly healthy. The next, we might lose whatever we deem important to us. It’s amazing how we forget that we are still breathing sometimes. For some people like my friend’s father, he’s barely breathing but staying strong to support his family. For my friend, he’s barely breathing but he was the one that took time to message me and was still joking with me, making his usual sarcastic remarks. For some of us like you and I who are breathing just fine, we forgotten that we are.

I pray my friend’s family will be alright and that his dad will be healed. As for you and I, we have our struggles in our lives. No one gets by in life without living them. I probably have lots of worries in life but if I’m always worrying about things that have yet to happen, what am I doing with things that are happening. Sometimes we think we may know about everything in life because we done it for a long time but doing something all our lives doesn’t mean that we are doing it right. The first we did in this world was to breathe from the world. Is it too late to learn again how to breathe? What do you think?

I remembered when I was in high school, I had this conversation with a friend by the balcony. I asked, “Do you wish you can be a child forever?” He replied, “What? No. Why would I want that? I want to be a teenager forever.” I then said, “Well, I want to be one forever.”

I guess I was fortunate enough to have a memorable childhood. For that, I’m extremely thankful every single day. I may not have had a particular outstanding teenage period but that didn’t matter to me now because when I look back at it, if I could choose again, I will choose childhood over teenage period in terms of which one I want it to be fondest. I still remember I said this prayer to God when I was 9, I asked him to stop time and that I can be a child forever. Looking back at it, it was probably a silly thing to do but I probably realised at a young age, that with adulthood comes huge responsibilities. I believed heaven existed back then and I still do but I wanted heaven to be where we were at. So when I was 9, I wanted everything to last forever. From my grandparents to my relatives to my friends to my family, I wanted to keep that memory in a bottle and able to live in it everyday.

Of course, nothing last forever and why would they. If there was a concept as permanence on earth, then life would be pretty dull and overpopulated might I add. Anyway, back on topic and to my childhood, you can ask me, “What was so exciting about your childhood?” and I would tell you that I don’t really remember. If I do, it’s probably the times I played chase with my friends at the park. If I do, it’s probably the times where I thought everyone was kind and sincere. If I do, it was because I watched cartoons and be excited about eating lunch with my grandparents. I can’t remember much but for the ones I do, it was simple and happy.

You might have been surprised at why I chose childhood over teenage hood. This was because it thought me things I never thought was important. Looking at things with a childlike mindset nowadays seems like a mammoth task because we have all grown older and are more exposed to events all around the world with the boom of social media and electronic news. I find that ironic because it almost seems like we were children yesterday. It almost seems like we look at things with a heart of a child not too long ago. We have forgotten how to do because we chose to. Have you ever got that feeling of warmth when you hold a child in your hands or when you look into their eyes? Why do we have that? Maybe it reminds us of life. The beauty of life does not lie in complication and long winding roads but rather it lies in simplicity. It lies in remembering the purity of a child.

Time will never reverse back to the time when you were a child but what you do everyday can be different. Maybe when you and I walk by a homeless person, we can just talk to him or her. Maybe when news regarding abortions and violence break out, we can think of how to help them. Maybe when we are struggling in our life, we can go out and take a seat on one of the swings at the parks, remembering our blessings and be thankful for it.

I look back at what I have written and realized you know what, I don’t need to ask to be a child forever because deep down inside of us lies one. it’s about remembering the innocence of a child and carry it with you everyday. Don’t leave it buried inside of you. Let it resurface each time you talk to another person. Then, that person will also have the same feeling or warmth and love.