“How are you?”

“I’m alright. No, actually, I’m dying,”

Dying is an over exaggeration but that had been my response for a better part of this year every single time someone asked me that question. I didn’t have the energy to say, “I’m good! And how about you good sir!” because when you’re tired, you just are. There’s no reason to hide it. There’s no reason to say, “I’m perfect.” It’s not that the person does not want to but rather the person just can’t no matter how hard he tries.

I don’t think I’m busier than other people. I do not concur with the idea that engineering is the hardest discipline among the ones available. I do not believe that my situation is worse than others because what I went through is what everyone goes through at different stages of their lives. Some handled it by having a goal oriented focus towards what they want to achieve. They create lists of objectives and ticked them one by one as they go along. It keeps them on schedule. Some handle business by simply procrastinating. The intensity of stress is so severe that it overwhelms you to hide in a shell. I probably did a little of both.

As I am almost at the end of my university life, I had a fair share of the so called ‘busy’ periods but it’s all in a blur now. If you asked me how I got through them, I can’t give you an answer because in that moment, you do whatever it takes to get through the stress and fatigue of assignments, projects and part time work. I always have this feeling that lecturers and course administrators forget that students are not machines because assignments and projects don’t make up someone’s life. It’s probably not the stress from university workload that kills you but rather the emotional bearing from human relationships and interaction that does. Those long pages of essays and reports probably only add a little weight to your burden but we have seen it before. Sometimes, a paper’s width creates the whole difference between what it is and what could have been.

Usually, a culmination of a person’s university life ends with thesis. It’s what that is required when you want to graduate with honours.  If done right, it can produce one of life’s most exhilarating moments when finished. If done horribly, a person probably just moves on just as with any other disappointment in life. Side effects from thesis include 1) going bald 2) realising head and shoulders shampoo still won’t do you any good 3) loss in weight 4) increase uptake of instant noodles  5) which makes you lose your hair even more and 4) makes you not care about anything else.

I think it’s really easy to let you be the result of your goals instead of vice versa. When we let a career decision or a goal drive you forward, there’s brilliance in that but I also never agree with that. I don’t want to be done with this year and when people asked me, “How was your year?”, I don’t want to answer, “It was good. Thesis went well.” I think it’s concerning when your whole year is purely just about your work.

One of my friends, concerned for me send me this rather brilliant piece of writing titled, “The Disease of Being Busy“. It’s something everyone ought to remind themselves of their heart every once in a while, to remind you and I that our hearts are beating. It encourages us to remember to open our hearts to each other. I got to admit that I had to push myself away from people certain times throughout the year as I tried to find a good work life balance. I wouldn’t say this is also the reason I am not in a relationship but I guessed it contributed towards that. I wasn’t physically tired by any stretch of the imagination. I was mentally exhausted and every once in a while, I had to remind myself I am not a machine.

One of the things I did this year to remind myself of that was to go to daily mass more frequent. It is actually one of the nicest things about universities in Sydney. Every university has a chaplaincy that organises daily mass at 12pm so it is very convenient to attend one. I usually go to them two to three times a week. Honestly, I think I would had burned out much sooner if it wasn’t for the daily masses. Another was to play the guitar a little bit every single day. When I hear the sounds off the strings, I feel alive in the rhythm. Sometimes, I would also call my friends randomly and say a little hello.

Despite my best efforts to not be a machine, some days were inevitable. In the days leading up to my thesis presentation, I constantly felt torn inside because of the sheer amount of stress I was in. My heart needed rest. I remembered I was crazily nervous about my thesis presentation. There was a crowd of 20 people in the room and four lecturers who were sharpening their swords and ready to fire their questions. It wasn’t so much the anxiety that caused the nervousness but rather the disappointment at having not produce much to show for my work despite my best efforts throughout the year. On that Thursday, I felt like a pile of rocks and lifeless. Somehow, one by one of my friends tried their best to cheer me up and said, “Don’t worry bro. You got this. You’re going to do well.” When I see each of them caring so much about me, slowly, I remembered all that was good with life. I remembered the insane amount of blessings God has given me. My friends had always checked up on me to see if I’m okay. My sister was always concerned about me.

When it was my turn to present my thesis, I went up and calm myself down. I don’t know how much of it is true but my friends said it was one of the best of the day. I chose to believe I did well but not because of my own efforts but because of my friends and family. They brought belief back to me during a time I needed it the most.

Now that my thesis is done and dusted, I can reflect on the past year. I am glad I tried my best to remind myself that everyday is important and when I forgot, I am thankful for the people that shook me alive. It is so easy to feel restless and concentrate on the job at hand. You did well. Congratulations! But at what cost? Cost of a year? Every day is just as important. Every second is a heart beating moment. No matter how tired are you, remember that you only have today and you can never be confident tomorrow is going to come.

What happened in the past year? I learned how to play the guitar better. I wrote some songs albeit horrible at times. I got to be closer to a priest that taught me the importance of humility and respect. I blogged a little more. I knew my course mates from engineering a lot better. Most importantly,  the year wasn’t just ” I did my thesis.” For that, I’m grateful. The time you are experiencing may be the toughest time of your life but it probably won’t be your last toughest time. Just hang in there. I know it is hard but hang in there. It will pass. As long you don’t lose yourself in the process and live a heartfelt life, you’ll be fine.

Yesterday, a friend asked me, “How are you?”. For the first time in a long while, I told her, “I’m good!”.

Back when I was in high school, I used to be in the Interact Club. It’s where students come together to do service and community projects on a school level. Every year, there will be an annual dinner to usher in the new committee and also celebrate the achievements of the past year. Of course,  there would also be performances by the fellow students. Some did martial arts. Some did sketches. Some did singing. Some played the guitar. Sadly, I did nothing. I always see the performers up on stage and wondered if I would ever be up there. How would I be judged? How would people perceive me? I was afraid. I was very afraid.

When I put on my earphones, I tried to imagine myself playing the guitar on stage while performing. I would sit behind my desk, pretending I knew what to do. Dinner after dinner, year after year, I never got the courage to go up to even sing. I never think too much about it. My brother in law was right. I was shy back then. I used to cover my mouth with my T-shirt when I laughed. My classmates seem to think otherwise and thought I was very loud, hence, I would be fine upfront and on stage. They were wrong. The confidence shown through my speech and loudness was only apparent when I’m with close friends and not in any other situation.

I had all these vivid imaginations of me speaking and singing but they were always just in my head. It was never translated to reality. I watched my sister and my father who were always more confident and stronger in front of people including strangers. How can I ever be like her? How can I ever by like my father?

I would have to be encouraged by people if I was to ever get out of my comfort zone and muster some courage to speak and perform in front of a group of strangers. In Form 4/ Year 10, my English teacher picked a group of students randomly to present in front of a panel. This was to ensure the marks she gave us for English oral weren’t biased or a fluke in any sense. I was one of them. The topic that I presented was regarding “Family”. It was a fairly straightforward topic and I said the usual things such as ‘love your parents’ and ‘appreciate your family members’ while never delving into any personal emotions.

The time came for me to present to the panel of teachers. There were about five teachers in that closed room. All attention was on me. I wouldn’t say I was scared but my nerves were certainly wrecked to the core. I started speaking, “Today, I am going to talk about family and the importance of them. We should always appreciate our parents because they have done so much for us and their patience is unprecedented.” It was going to be a dull and boring speech that was scripted by a 16 year old while he was listening to music behind his desk.

Then, I decided to abandon my script and for probably the first time in my life, I put my emotion into my words as I talked about my grandmother. I told the teachers the exact moment she passed away, where was I, where was my mother and the tears that rolled down my cheeks. I told them my grandmother was put into a nursing home that year due to unfortunate circumstances. I said the sadness encountered being put in a nursing home might had hastened her death. I said, “Appreciate your family members and spend time with them while you still can. I wished I could spend more time with my grandmother but I couldn’t, the time is now gone.”

I went back home without thinking too much of it. My teacher called me an hour later saying, “Augustine, that was really good, you connected to all of us personally. Would you like to try out public speaking and represent the school?” I was shy and fearful of the stage but now my teacher was asking me to speak publicly in front of a hundred students and actual judges. Somehow, I said yes. Somehow, I survived. I didn’t win the competition but for the first time in my adolescent period of life, it was more than just a dream.

I presented a lot in front of public since then as per uni requirement. I don’t think I ace my presentations though. Soon, I became the spiritual coordinator of the Catholic Asians Students’ Society whereby I had to facilitate discussions and guide the conversation. A year later, I became the president of the society. One of the events we hosted was called Walkathon where we raised funds for youth development and local community. I remembered vomiting in the morning as I ate my breakfast. I thought it was because I ate too quickly. Some of my friends thought it was because of my nerves. Soon after, I had to give a speech. This time, I realized it wasn’t just casual speaking anymore, my faith and my emotions were driving what I wanted to say. My parents were there as well on the day. After I spoken finish, my dad came to me, looking at me with content eyes and said, “Good job.”  It meant the world to me.

That year, in the annual dinner of the society, I also managed to sing on stage as well albeit I probably forgotten half my lyrics when I was on stage. I had the support of two really good friends. They are far more talented and more confident but they were willing to perform with me when I asked them to join me. They said yes without hesitation. I did it! I sang on stage! Finally, after so many years of dreaming I would perform in front of a crowd, I did it!

A few days ago, it was time for the annual dinner again, I didn’t want to perform because I was so stressed from my studies till the point my friends were heavily concerned about me. Then, my friend texted me and said, “Bro, let’s do our song man (Some context here, he and I wrote a song together. Mind you, it’s super cheesy. Super corny.) We should make some happy memories.” Although I was so adamant on not performing, but because he asked, I said yes. We did the song a few nights ago! It was titled, ‘The Other Side’. People really seem to enjoy it, my friend and I were really happy.

One of the most important lessons I learned is that when you are on stage, it is not about seeking attention from people, it is not about emulating anyone else, it is about learning to be yourself. It is also about sharing the emotions you have with others through your words and songs. There is no substitute for presenting yourself genuinely because when you do that, there is no barrier between you and the audience. This doesn’t just apply on the stage but even in everyday conversations as well. Just be you.

Why am I saying all of these? Well, today, I just finished a major group project. It was something we worked on throughout the entire year. Again, today I had to make a speech and presented the project we worked on. I felt a sense of satisfaction after it ended. Then, something hit me. I had only three weeks of university left. Seventeen years of studying is now leading to a close in another chapter of my life. Time is always running out. I looked back and I realized how fortunate and blessed I was all those years when I said yes to my English teacher. I said yes when asked to be president. I said yes when asked by my friend to perform. Without realising, people were constantly encouraging me along the way in my life to achieve the dreams that were otherwise trapped in my head.

I almost wanted to end this with Shia Labeouf’s “Just do it!” because funnily enough, it was actually quite fitting but then again, I didn’t just do it as I had help from so many people. Dreams are often about the self discovery journey but it’s more than that, isn’t it? The dreamer has to first learn to how to be himself because that’s where it starts.

I woke up on a Thursday morning with a start. My immediate reaction was to look at my phone lying on the right of my bedside. I should really stop putting it so close to my pillow as my mum would warn me. Anyway, my phone flashed red, so I decided to check the notification. It was from the Flipboard app and it read.

Check out all the latest news from the Apple WWDC 2015.

Huh. That was my reaction. Not too long ago, I used to be in sync with all the latest happenings in the tech industry and the in outs of the Silicon Valley. It says a lot about how interested I am in it when I know more about what’s happening in the tech industry compared to the aerospace industry. I used to stay up to watch the Apple keynotes and watch Timothy Cook go up on to the stage to speak and unveil the latest products. Now, I didn’t even know the conference happened. In fact, I didn’t even know about the launch of Windows 10 a few weeks ago.

Perhaps I had been so busy with studies that I simply have no time to keep myself up to date with the news, Netflix and things that have been happening around me. Funny how times have changed.

Of course, I was still intrigued with Apple’s latest conference and looked up their official website. Ah, there is, surprise surprise, a much bigger iPad. There is this thing called the 3D touch now with the phones. The phones look well, as sleek as before. Years ago, I would have been ecstatic about all these changes but now, I just go, huh.

What’s in a phone? What’s in an app? Do we need the 3D touch? Do we need a longer battery life? Do we need to check our screens every 5 minutes? Why do we need our phones?

Can we ever, unplug?

One of my favourite Youtubers, Dmingting, uploaded this video a day before the Apple conference. I found it absolutely beautiful and inspiring. It was titled, Moments, as part of the Unplugged project initiative in partnership with Digi.

Ming Han, one of the geniuses behind the YouTube channel, wrote, “If we are going to be there when something happens, let us be entirely there. Most of the time, we’re more concerned about making sure a certain moment is shared with everyone online – instead of sharing the moment itself when it happens.”

Watching all this unfold also brought me back to something I wrote two years ago, in The Time Keeper. I wrote, “When was the last time we truly live in the moment, when was the last time we stop taking out our smartphones and truly concentrate on the people in front of us? When was the last time you appreciated time?”

Have I changed the way I act in that two years? I am on Facebook and Twitter less. Somehow, now, I find myself on Instagram and Whatsapp a lot more than before. I am certainly guilty of not being there when it happens at times.  When I have dinner with my friends, I find myself on the phone and realized how inconsiderate I am towards the people around me.

Today,  I decided to stop looking at my phone and observe how beautiful is it around me. The sun shining through the clear blue skies. The light gleaming off the trees, making them glow. People smiling as they are walking on the pavements. What I describe is not uncommon, and you’ll probably notice it around you as well, but that’s also why we take it for granted.

Looking back at all of these, maybe you and I should do something. I challenge you and me to unplug a little while everyday, to just appreciate the little moments in life a little more. It shouldn’t be too hard, should it?

As Jim Elliot wrote,

“Wherever you are – be all there.” 

One word.

One idea.

That’s how it starts.

That’s how most of my posts start. When something comes to mind or even just the title, I will imagine the starting and proceed from there. Last Saturday, as I sat in my house, taking a break from studies, I was going to write about ‘Losing Faith’. Some of my friends have been going through some tough situations and they were losing faith in God, in life and in people. I never want to write extensively about God in my blog cause I didn’t want to exclude those that didn’t quite know what to believe in God. So, I was just going to write about losing faith in life and see where I go from there.

Wrote and wrote did I do but somehow the fruits of that labour did not come true.

I had writer’s block. Everything I wrote didn’t feel right. I couldn’t imagine the ending. I couldn’t see the reason of the post. If the author can’t see it, what more about the reader. I was stumped.

As always, I decided to just leave it and maybe come back to it another day as I was preparing to go to the Jayesslee concert. Yes, the very same duo I referenced in my last post. To be honest, I was really excited. Actually, that is an understatement cause as I was second in line for the meet and greet, thanks to my sister, I was on the verge of hyperventilating. In my head, I was like what I should say to them as I greet them. Maybe something cute and funny like, “Hey, I have been a fan of you … since yesterday. Jokes! Psych! Been a fan for four years. Listen to all your music and bought them on iTunes. *insert more mindless talking*”.

The moment eventually came. I saw them! Both Sonia and Janice came out to the little podium. I’m telling you, their beauty is like… astounding. I could barely process the moment. As it was my turn to greet them, I was going to say everything I wanted to say only to end up saying “Hi”. My words somehow all turned into bubbles. It was a combination of awkwardness and awe. Seriously, I barely remembered what I did except I stood like a penguin when I took the photo with them. Argh… why couldn’t I be more calm?

I sat in the first row at the concert. I had a really good time as you can tell from the pictures I took. I know I mentioned I don’t usually take pictures but… whatever. As the concert progressed, I was pretty ecstatic as it was turning into a night to remember because of all the wonderful moments.

But after three quarters of the concert passed, the music died down and I half anticipated what was going to happen when she said they were all about sharing stories. Sonia sat on the stool and spoke about her miscarriage, the very some one I talked about in my last post.

She explained how she and her husband have been trying really hard to have a baby. They went for a usual hospital checkup and  the sonography just didn’t pick up an image at all. She knew something was wrong immediately. The doctors told them what happened. Naturally, she broke down in tears and didn’t know what to do. As she walked to her car, she stumbled and just couldn’t take it. She questioned God as to why this happened. Why? Just, why? She felt despair. She was losing faith.

However she said this and I hope I am quoting correctly, “There was this moment which is one of the most important life lessons I will have in my life. In that moment I broke down, it occurred to me I had a choice to… rejoice. Hey, they rhymed. Haha. I had a choice to rejoice. I had a choice to have joy in suffering. The same joy God has given me. At that moment, I chose to rejoice.”

She was really thankful for all the support her family, friends and fans have given her and that God always has a plan. Then, she and Janice stood up and sang I Will Exalt which is a praise and worship song. I will remind you that the concert was held in Enmore Theatre, Sydney which is very secular and attended by people of different background and faiths. But they had no fear, no qualms, only courage. They performed a praise and worship song in front of more than 5000 people.

In a night filled with wonderful moments and of the concerts I attended, this one was the most powerful moment I ever witnessed in a concert and one I relate to personally. Sure, I go to watch Jayesslee perform, got to greet them, got to hear some smooth guitar skills, even saw their children on stage but this, this was the standout.

How is it that someone who just suffered a miscarriage, chose to rejoice at the lowest moment of her life? How come someone still have faith in God when life has been taken away from her? That is astonishing.

At that point, I realised I had been going around my intended blog post wrongly. Being a Catholic is a large part of who I am and I was trying to write a post about losing faith without referencing God in it. That was what was wrong. I admired Sonia not just because of her astounding faith in God, but because of her courage to be Christian at all times, in front of everyone.

What happens when you lose faith in God? I don’t know. Many things happen I guess. It’s so easy to give up when situations gets hard but when I see things like this, I know why I have faith. I know why I’m Catholic. Because He has given me all that is good. Because He loves me. A loving family. A shelter. Education. Food. Water. Friendship. Guidance. I have faith because my family has faith. I have faith because I love Him. These are things I can’t not say.

For those of you that have a hard time believing in God and in people again, because they have hurt you over and over again, being human is a lifelong journey. If we don’t have faith that ourselves and people can become good and can become better, how can then someone be better when no one wants to believe in them?

Today might be the worst day in your life. It doesn’t mean tomorrow can’t be better. That moment you yearn for so that things start to make sense again is not far away. We just got to be patient, as hard as that is, is what we need to be. Pray for a sign. If you don’t believe in prayer. at least be hopeful for one.

One match.

One spark.

That’s how it starts.

Hi, how are you?

I haven’t written for a while, have I? I feel like I say this every few months. I do actually like to blog so it does feel a little strange when I haven’t written something for a while. Maybe it’s cause I have been busy which I indeed am. Maybe I haven’t been inspired. Funny little thing. Inspiration. How does one get inspired? Quite a conundrum, that one.

What has been going on lately? So, I told a few people about this blog of mine, one of them including a priest (Hi Father Peter, if you’re reading this, hi). He was a little amazed that I had a blog. I do wonder why is that. He said it’s good to share your ideas and thoughts with others. In that way, it helps you grow. I do find that a little funny not because it’s absurd but realize how true it was. This blog of mine has made me a more contemplative person because as I find more ideas to write about, I had to think about the things I go through day to day including events from the past. As much as this blog has given some readers some sense of closure and hope, it has given myself the much needed foundation to see where am I as a person.

Considering all that I really go through the past few weeks is just the usual and nothing out of the ordinary (Yes, I haven’t had a girlfriend. Yes, I am that dull, Ask me again and I will punch you. Indeed, I am that violent), let’s talk about this couple, shall we? Honestly, I haven’t thought much about this. Let’s see where this goes.

Do you know this little twin duo called Jayesslee who covered Officially Missing You by Tamia a few years back and got really famous? One of the twins is called Sonia. Three years ago, she married this photographer/vidoegrapher called Andy and they started this video channel on YouTube describing their married life. For some reason, I really like watching their videos. It’s not like I can relate to their married life or anything but there was an enigma about their videos and then came along their baby, Jordan.

So, they actually started doing vlogs so that their child can watch them when he’s all grown up and matured. Surprise, surprise, I enjoy watching their vlogs too. It’s nothing exciting really. It’s a video of their baby walking around and doing funny things. I find that entertaining. Whatever. Without realizing, I had watched 26 episodes of their vlogs. That’s 260 minutes. Then, they dropped this video a couple of days ago.

It turns out that they have been trying to have another child for a while now. After nine months, they finally were pregnant! Unfortunately and sadly after 9 weeks, Sonia had a miscarriage. Just the roller coaster of emotions they went through, I think you would emphatize with them. I may not have known this couple personally but my heart died a little inside when I heard about it. People will say, “look, miscarriage is not uncommon, one in four pregnant woman in Australia will suffer it”. You say that. Therein lies the problem with our society.

We live in an age where same-sex marriage, abortion and euthanasia takes precedence on the debate platform. We also live in one whereby the divorces, marriages and hook-ups between celebrities becomes headlines in news. Donald Trump running for presidency is now a punchline in late night talk shows and media coverage alike. Julian Assange and Edward Snowden will be given the most coverage in news if there are any updates on them. I’m not saying that all those things are not important (certainly, the first and the latter should be given attention). They indeed are but at the same time, the society needs to give more attention and raise awareness of issues such as the social and economic situation of the refugees, cases of depression and cases such as miscarriages and how we can best offer our support to women everywhere. There are so much more than I can list here.

Mark Zuckerberg was able to bring this up and mentioned about this issue. He and his wife had three miscarriages prior to this.

You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience. Most people don’t discuss miscarriages because you worry your problems will distance you or reflect upon you — as if you’re defective or did something to cause this. So you struggle on your own.

As a society, we need to be more engaging and more sensitive of the predicaments of others. People have to realize that having a child is such a blessing and a gift. When it is taken away, there is no easy way to handle it. There is no effective way. There is only the passing time. Just imagine if you are going to be a parent, you have these dreams,

He is going to walk. She is going to jump. He is going to laugh. She is going to cry. He is going to be a doctor. She is going to be an actress in the theatre.

You start envisioning all possibilities and dreams and one day, you found out you lost him/her. How would you feel? Would you be able to handle it alone? I just feel we need to be more understanding of these things and try to do our best as individuals or as a society. Even if you don’t relate to these issues, be aware that they do exist. There’s never any harm in that.

I am guilty of this too. Certainly, if it wasn’t for my sister or Andy and Sonia’s video, I wouldn’t have given much thought about this and realize what an important issue this is. Perhaps in the future, I will write more about various issues. This blog is helping me to see where am I as a person. It’s time to see where am I in the society we live in. I’ll end with this with a quote from the Facebook creator himself.

In today’s open and connected world, discussing these issues doesn’t distance us; it brings us together. It creates understanding and tolerance, and it gives us hope.

Sometimes I do wonder why there are four seasons. The summer, the autumn, the winter and the spring. It’s something beautifully created and yet tragic. Isn’t it? Even in countries on the Khatulistiwa line, where the weather is promoted to be sunny all year round is not true too, is it not? Days of sunlight and trees blossoming are often interrupted by storms and floods which we forget to account for most days. When years come and go, we all like to remember the “summer” and “spring” of those years but often not the “winter” and perhaps the “autumn” too.

The question is what really does each season mean for us?

Autumn is a good season to start as any. Hot off the heels of summer, suddenly, the weather isn’t quite as charming any more and yet not quite depressing too. Trees start shedding leaves and they start turning brown. Gone are the days of green and flowers. Gone are the days of just putting on a tank top and heading to the beach. Everything starts to feel, heavy again.

Eventually, the feelings of worrisome and stress is now eclipsed by the shadows of sadness and winter. Trees are now naked and clothed with nothing for they are left shivering in the cold. Being in an almost state of depression, the human race now needs to put on several more articles of clothing to warm them and to have some burning sensation to survive. The heaviness of shed leaves is now replaced with the burden of snow.

But wait! There is spring coming up? Is it possible there’s hope again? Is it possible to have flowers blossoming and trees are now magnificent again in its glorious image? The weather is getting warmer and snow is gone no more. The burden has now been slowly lifted off our shoulders. What is this sensation of ease that spring brings?

Oh, it gets better. Summer is here. The sun is high and lifted in the skies. The oceans, forests, deserts and beaches all bask in the glory of the sunlight. Gone are the days of darkness! Gone are the treacherous weather conditions! No more heavy clothings! No more gloves!We are free! We are free!

There’s that. There’s the four seasons from my perspective. Wouldn’t it be nice to just have summer alone all year round and perhaps a little spring? Why bother with the sadness and depressing state of the other two seasons? Whether you believe in God or the big bang, surely this is nature’s way of sending us a message?

In this blog post, my paragraphs are nicely separated and that each season has a paragraph to its own. In reality, the seasons are a little more, well, mixed, and sometimes not as clear cut. There might be storms during the summer. There might also be beach weather in the winter. Just like our emotions, they are never as clear cut as they appear to be.

For the past few weeks, it certainly felt like winter to me cause I have just been so tired and bogged down by several things. When I went out with friends, they were worried about me because apparently I wasn’t “talking” enough, (their way of saying I’m a chatterbox). I guess it’s true. I have been stressed by many things and refuse to acknowledge that indeed, I wasn’t okay.

Last Friday, I had this thing called retreat. Basically, it was a three days, two nights camp away from the city in this area called Katoomba, which was basically up in the mountains. My friends and I (about 50 of us) took the coach from the city to the destination but surprise surprise, it was snowing in Katoomba. Mind you, this is Sydney. It doesn’t just snow. There’s no snow in Sydney except in really extremely cold areas. Due to snow, the roads were all blocked and our bus or any bus for that matter couldn’t travel to the place. The thing we all dreaded popped into our heads; we might actually have to cancel this retreat and go back to our miserable lives in the city. Have I said, “Damn this snow!”? Oh, I haven’t. Damn this snow.

Suddenly, we all had an epiphany. The trains were running! Yes! The trains were running. They don’t use roads! So, 50 of us hopped onto the train into Katoomba and guess what, we had to now walk from Katoomba train station to the place we were staying at which felt like an hours walk. Wait sorry, it felt like forever. (It was an half an hour walk). So, here we are, carrying all our luggages, through the snow on the roads and hence, begin our epic Fellowship of the Retreat. Would you believe it that this was the first time I’m seeing snow? And it was beautiful. We threw snowballs at each other and walked together to the place. The road to the retreat centre, covered with snow coupled with the clear blue skies and sun was, indeed beautiful.

What felt like winter to me was now a treasured memory. Just as with most of us, we always only remember the springs and summers of our days but refuse to acknowledge the autumn and winters simply because it’s painful. Some of us are more comfortable just being stuck in the depressing snow because it is easier to be stationary than to keep moving. Some of us can’t wait to get out of there because it is easier to run away from things when it gets hard than to face them head on. Most of us forget to realise each season last its own pace and that eventually, it has to pass.

Can you think back of reasons why you think your friends are your good friends? Can you think back of why you love your family? Can you think back of why the best songs are the saddest songs? It is because they were there with you through thick and thin, through sun and especially the rain, through summer and especially the winter. We remember them not because of the good times we all had with them but because of the saddest and most vulnerable moments that we shared.

Remember that when times are difficult, that it will pass. It will indeed, pass. Just hang in there. Sometimes, it feels like an eternity but that’s only a feeling. Don’t be so fixated on the bleakness that you don’t realize the beauty around you.

This is why each season is at it is. From happiness, eventually, we feel sad because of circumstances and situations took a turn. But from that also comes an inexplicable beauty and more importantly, hope. This hope gives birth to the light we all yearn for.

“How did we get here?”

Those were the first words uttered by Thomas Riggan in the movie, Birdman. If you haven’t watched it yet, I won’t tell you to go watch the movie immediately, not that it’s not good because it’s fantastic but because it’s not for everyone. Birdman portrays Thomas Riggan as a broken man, who once was a very iconic Hollywood star due to his portrayal of surprise surprise, the fictional superhero, Birdman. Now that his alter ego days were gone and his Hollywood exploits were long and truly over, he felt a sense of loss, loneliness and possibly depression. Everyone knew who Birdman was but no one knew who Thomas Riggan was. He wanted to feel relevant, again.

Thomas Riggan may be a hero is his movies and that Birdman was admired by millions of people but in reality, Thomas was far from a hero. What he had was ego. We have all heard all about ego before. We have it. Sports icons have it. Celebrities have it. Politicians certainly do. Psychologists will recognise ego as part of Sigmund Freud’s model of the psyche. However, most people will recognise ego as the Latin word for “I”. Thomas Riggan was in every sense of the word, a highly egotistical person. He was selfish in fact and always thought that he was the centre of the orbit.

Ego isn’t bad but an extreme form of ego definitely is. Some of us have that, don’t we? It’s almost as if it is normal to let the world revolve around us and that we asked questions relating to ego and not about anyone else. I guess ego is presumed to be the path that makes us relevant or really, making us feel happy.  When something is done in our favour and that there is instant gratification, happiness seems apparent and that simply is the best way possible. Or is it?

I’m not going to act as if I know all about the works of Aristotle or pretend to have a degree in philosophy but Aristotle does teach about this. For one to be happy, one must practice virtues. When I say practice, I mean every bit of that word. Using an analogy from a friend, if you are a musician and want to be a good guitarist, you don’t just rely on your emotions and natural talent but rather depend on countless hours of practice. For one to be truly happy, one must always keep practising virtues or rather the Aristotelian virtues which are prudence, temperance, justice and fortitude.

In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, I feel prudence is best described by the line, “the prudent man looks where he is going”. It says that prudence is the virtue that disposes practical reason to discern our true good in every circumstance and to choose the right means of achieving it. Temperance means moderation or in other words, self-control. It is about setting a balance between the heart and the mind. Then, you also have justice which is best described in the following sentence, “You shall not be partial to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbour.” My personal favourite, fortitude, means the consistent tenacity in pursuing good, regardless of fear, trials and persecutions.

On top of the Aristotelian virtues, the Catholic church also added three virtues which are; faith, hope and love, which I hope you know what each one of them means. In the pursuit of true happiness, one must practice these seven virtues or so I have been told. It is not in my intention to explain what each one of these virtues are but rather introduce one to it as to what they generally are.

Having written all of that, don’t you think it is a bit silly and perhaps even outrageous to need to practice not one, not two but all seven of the virtues to be truly happy? I’m happy just eating a bar of green tea Kit Kat in my house and happy having a bowl of noodles with an egg. That’s happiness right there. But we know that’s temporary happiness. In my mind, happiness is the ultimate state one reaches and feels at one and at peace with his conscience and that one’s life is of a moral high ground. But it all seems a bit scary and complicated in truth, is it not?

No one starts being a good musician at first try. No one becomes a professional footballer in the first training session. Similarly, no one becomes a truly happy person at first go but that’s the hero’s journey. A hero is ultimately caring, tenacious, faithful, hopeful and selfless. Sure, superheroes are often depicted as broken people and in pain but they are at peace with their actions and their happiness comes from seeing the happiness of others. In actual fact, a true hero would have demonstrated all seven virtues. Reflect upon it and see if it’s true.

The virtues are learned along the way, step by step. They are not received but rather cultivated. They are not given but rather developed through pain and sadness.

I know this post is seemingly different from normal and that it is more philosophical than usual but I realized that at the beginning of the year, I wanted to expand out of my comfort zone and having all of this knowledge and insight from conversations with friends and lessons from adults, I feel I should write it out and hopefully, one will also question one’s self as to what their hero’s journey is. A regular person stumbles and falls, slides and glides, and never gets back up. But a hero will stand up and asks

“Where do we go from here?”

I remembered reading this book, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom, which was a memoir by the author for his college professor, Morrie. This is one of the most important books I read in my life, if not the most important. You know how in The Book Thief , Liesel had this list of books that she stole from the Nazis, if I needed to steal, this would make the list. I remembered sitting with my father as I read finish the last few pages. After finishing it, I was in tears and I told my father, “I love you”. It’s not an overly emotional story by any stretch of the imagination but the lessons taught by Morrie to Mitch were so profound and yet so simple which makes you wonder, “Where am I in my life?”. There was one line which stuck by me and I hope I am quoting it right, “The truth is, Mitch, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”

That is the greatest lesson Morrie has taught Mitch.

I don’t have many near death experiences if I were to be honest and that’s probably a good thing. There was once I almost got hit by the bus while I was crossing the road trying to get some popcorn chicken from KFC. Imagine that. Death by chicken. Another time, I was in the front passenger seat and this car slammed onto my side from the left. If you searched through the archives (please don’t, it’s horrendous), I wrote a half fictional story about a boy suspected of having swine flu. Well, that boy was me. I was in this white room, isolated and alone, much like being in confinement. For those four hours, I wondered what will happen to me if the suspicion is not a mere guess any more.  At the end of that period I said, “I’m ready.”.

It turned out I was alright. For some peculiar reason, the fever that I had previously just didn’t subside after five days but eventually, it did, two days after that incident. I didn’t know if it was the medication I took as a precaution for the swine flu or that I was actually fine but everything turned out well. Anyway that’s my story but this wasn’t the reason I wrote this post. Four and a half months ago, I was working at my internship and it was almost break time, I checked my phone and saw a text from my friend. It read:

“So… the bad news is that I have lymphoma.

Good news is that I guess it’s a blessing in disguise that they picked it up =) Also, out of the different type of cancers it’s one of the most treatable. However, will probably need to take the next semester off. Will fight and get through this!!”

Maybe I should introduce who this guy is. He’s one of the most multi-talented people I know. He plays the piano, guitar and basically any instrument. He studies civil architecture. He is also a natural at sports. He’s also very much rooted in the Catholicism religion. In a nutshell, he is one of the nicest guys I know and also one my closest friends. So, when you hear news like this, it is natural to feel shocked I suppose. If I were in his position, I wouldn’t have know how to react, let alone be optimistic and hopeful but just observe the second part of that message. Even with bad news, he manages to find the other perspective of things. It’s amazing. Isn’t it?

Of course I wasn’t in Sydney then. So I didn’t manage to see him. When I came back, I did however see him but he was bald now due to the chemotherapy sessions that he is going through. Also, he didn’t actually postpone uni but actually enrolled for the semester. Again, he didn’t show any signs of suffering or pain, but manages to keep it in and put on a brave face. The old advice and perhaps a cliché at times, ‘It doesn’t matter what happened but how you respond’ is very much alive in this one. How is it possible he can go through chemotherapy sessions, shoulder the burden of having lymphoma and yet still being able to study four courses at university? In the midst of that, he still manages to catch up with friends and keeps smiling.

Sidetracking a bit, the priest gave a sermon yesterday regarding grace. He said these days, “We worry too much about everything. We worry too much about the future. If you read self-help books, they always say have a goal and work towards it. Don’t care about distractions and just continue work towards that goal. The problem with that is where is the grace in that?”. Yes, having a goal is good and knowing where your life is five years from now is also, good. But, we are talking about five years from here. You work towards your goal but how about everything else? The day to day blessings and gifts? The stories of inspiration and grace? The life of fruitfulness?

What my friend has is grace. He is willing to work through it day by day and refuses to give up. In a sense, the elements of faith, hope and love comes full circle in this. He has faith in God that His grace is unceasing. He has hope that he will be alright. Ultimately, he loves God and also has the love of God that is shown to him through his family and friends. People might say, “What does God have to do with this?” but this isn’t a debate about whether it is science or religion but rather how one’s beliefs help him through the most difficult period of his life.

Weeks of treatment and prayers culminated in him being fully recovered. This time, another message was sent:

Hey Augie! 

Was going to be the start of the 7th round (of chemotherapy), but confirmed this morning that treatment is completely over.

Just regular checkups with the specialist every 3 months. =)

That’s the story. Perhaps the best story I have written cause it did take place and it is the reason why I wrote this blog to begin with. People like him are where I get my stories from.

I will never know if he learned how to die. I never asked him that. It is a weird thing to ask someone. “Hey mate, did you learn how to die?” I will probably get punched in areas important for reproduction. I can tell you this, this guy knows how to live. It’s a funny thing really. It is not something I can explain but I think you do know what I mean.

As for me, I am still learning the greatest lesson of Morrie. Day by day, story by story, person by person, one day, I will know what it truly means to live.

Almost a week ago, I met up with a very good friend of mine from my high school in Malaysia. I am now in Sydney. I haven’t seen him for more than a year now and sometimes you have that strange feeling, “What do I say to this guy?” even though you have known him all your life since childhood so it’s a really strange question to begin with. Of course, if your friendship is a good one, it doesn’t matter how long you have not seen each other, the friendship always has two buttons to it, the pause and the play. It’s almost as if time never moved and you find yourself resuming business as usual even if the circumstances and time has changed.

So, this is a friend whom I grown up with. If anyone can cut through my pretence and know me for the real me, it would probably be him. He is not much of a talker and never has been. That’s just the way he is. Despite not being as talkative as I am, I do understand him and it’s amazing to see how responsible he has become with time. He was always the sensible and responsible one among my group of friends, sure, he may spout out the craziest stuff sometimes, but underneath all that, he was always focused on what he was doing and had sheer determination.

It’s funny too when you think about it. Say you haven’t met a friend for a long time, you would figure that he or she has changed character wise, fashion wise and maybe even the hairstyle. But then again, do we ever really change? Go and reminisce of yourself a few years ago and compare to your current person, have you really change? It’s a matter of perspective really. In some ways, I am now a completely different person but my core remains the same from since when I was a child.

While I and him walked to the bar, we talked about our future and the directions we are taking in our lives. The question really is, “Do you want to go back to Malaysia?”. It’s as simple as that. He had no difficulty answering it while I couldn’t manage a proper answer for various reasons. All those years, I always tried to deflect the question of “What do you plan to do after you finished studying?”, thinking that I can push it to later. Really, I paused it. Eventually, time caught up and the question that was part of a casual conversation has now transcend to a serious one that I can’t escape from.

When I was younger and I was 8, I was asked to write down what I wanted to be when I grow up. I wrote, ‘Bank Manager’ (after my dad), ‘Scientist’ and ‘Civil Engineer’. Thinking back, it’s amazing that was the list instead of it being read, ‘Policeman’, ‘Fireman’ and ‘Ironman’. I was more grounded in realism than I thought and possibly it was because of my mother saying that, “If you like math, you should do engineering,”. Oh, how wrong was she. Engineering is much larger than that. It is the bridge between theoretical models and the physical world; imagination and realism; and ultimately, it offers a reasonable solution to problems.

I definitely didn’t take up bank manager and instead ended up on the latter ambitions. I guess I am doing research into science but I didn’t quite make it as a civil engineer as I am not civil enough (har har, insert comment here about how unfunny I am). I did take up aerospace engineering. So, there’s that. But the most amazing and yet scary part about dreams and ambitions is that they can change and can be anything you want it to be. What if the ambition you wanted as a child has now changed? You find that the path you wanted is not quite what you want it to be now.

When thinking about the future, family commitments, romanticism, career and relationships come to mind. Few people can say they picked a path that satisfied all of that. It always requires some sacrifice one way or the other. A few months back, I asked this question, have you ever thought, “Where do I go from here?”. Throughout the past few months, I had definitely been struggling with the idea and was desperately searching for an answer. Then, a friend said to me that day, “Well, let me ask you this, what makes you happy?”.

I definitely didn’t take up after my dad as a bank manager but in a lot of ways, there are parallels between me and him. One of them being we have romanticism for the place we grew up in. Eventually, he made the decision to leave the place he worked at for more than 10 years to move back to his hometown because, well it is his hometown. I, on the other hand want to go back to Malaysia after I finished studying because similarly, I can’t phantom the idea of leaving the place where I grew up in, received my school education and was so immersed in the culture. Four and a half years ago, I wanted to write a note reminding me of this. I never quite wrote it because I knew, inside of me, that I can never quite force my perceptions and ideals from the past on my present self.

The idea to let life pleasantly surprise me never has been my strong trait, or so I thought. I have been out of my comfort zone more than I thought I had. I was the one that told my parents that I am willing to follow my dad to his new working place and leave my hometown. I tried out choral speaking and public speaking in front of a huge crowd. Despite reluctantly coming here to Sydney, I now know a lot of people from all walks of life. I travelled to Melbourne with a band of strangers that spoke my third language. I maybe terrified of dates with girls but I never back away from it.

I am always afraid of losing my identity but slowly realising, my identity was build from me leaving my comfort zone and never afraid to challenge myself. Instead of being scared of my life ahead of me and not knowing where to go from here, I should embrace the fear and remember that the best questions one has to ask themselves are always the simplest ones. “What makes me happy with my life?” As self centred as that question is, it really isn’t as well because ultimately passion drives what we want to do in life. That’s when your best work is done.

For now, I don’t know whether I’ll be leaving my country, my friends and people I’m close with in search of my dreams and aspirations but I had always tried my best to maintain those relationships. I think about them all the time and love all these wonderful people that had come to my life. I do know one thing. Eventually, I have to let go of some things around me. Life is constantly moving and changing. My character will keep changing and hopefully grow for the better but I do believe a large part of me will stay the same. Again, matter of perspective. For those that I love and if they feel the same way about me, as long as we make the effort, when I see you again, I know I can easily just press play.

So, I went to watch The Script not more than two days ago. Guys, if you don’t know what the Script is or who they are, can you please go and have a listen at them already? Famous for churning out tunes that give the so called ”dem feels”, they have written popular hits such as ‘For the First Time’, ‘The Man Who Can’t be Moved’ and ‘Hall of Fame’.

So, I went to the concert with a couple of friends. It was interesting because this is the second time I’m going to watch The Script, the first time being free as Optus gave out tickets to everyone who participated in their volunteering projects. Somehow, I didn’t feel quite as pumped up as before and wasn’t overly excited for them. Anyway, I’m going to try to do a homage to Buzzfeed and list out THE FOUR MAJOR ANNOYING THINGS YOU EXPERIENCED At A CONCERT. Okay, not really, but I will do my own spin on it.

1. Sweaty, sweat, just sweat and more salty water
Goodness, the mosh pit. Mosh pit is where you basically stand with the rest of the crowd and be jam packed into it like sardines. So, I had people squashing me from all sides. Left, right, up and down. Hence, there was body contact and just their sweats. At the end of the concert, when you walk out of the stadium, you could feel your shoes sticking to the floor. That’s how sweaty the situation is.

2. Girls with ponytails
Girls, seriously, I get it, you like your long hair and you also like swinging to the music and just bop your head left and right. Just realize, that your ponytail IS AS LONG AS A ACTUAL HORSE’S PONYTAIL AND THAT YOU MIGHT JUST SLAP SOMEONE BEHIND YOU WITH IT. I felt like I got hit with a gust of wind and it just knocked the senses out of me as this girl was waving her ponytail like a flag at a Mardi Gras parade.

3. Synchronized motion
You can never quite tell at a concert what to actually do. Here was I waving my hand from left to right as the lead singer told me to and there’s always this guy that awkwardly fist pumps his hand up and down while everyone is waving their hand from left to right. Then you have someone waving left to right instead of right to left. If that’s not enough, you also have moments where you are clapping for the band and then you realize, you don’t know whether you should continue clapping or take down your hand awkwardly like a guy burping and farting at a memorial service during the minutes’s silence.

4. The eager social media butterfly beaver
Sometimes, I wonder if the smartphone was even a good creation. It takes up so much of all our time on a daily basis. You just find yourself on it for hours at times, and then you try to recall what you done on your phone, and really I can’t recall anything at times. Unsurprisingly, there are always people that take pictures and videos of the band during the concert and upload to Instagram and Twitter bird on a constant basis and hashtag everything from #hangingoutwiththeScript to #omgDannytouchedme.

Alright, back to normal writing. I actually surprised myself that I didn’t take out my phone to record anything during the entire process. I have always done some sort of stalker photo taking at concerts I attended but not this time. I decided to completely immerse myself in the experience. After the concert my friend asked me if I recorded anything good, I said I didn’t record anything and she asked, “Why not?” She said she recorded a lot of stuff for memories. I guess she has a point but then if I were to pay that much for a concert, I guess I just rather want to experience them through my senses at that moment and not worry about recording it. I feel that when I listen to their songs again on my iPod, I will remember vast memories from the concert.

As idiotic as the smartphone is at times, it has its moments and I’m sure this moment has caught on everywhere in concerts. Danny O’Donoghue, the lead singer asked us all to take out our phones and turn on our flash light and waved it in the air. For that moment in time, it was of the most beautiful things you will see. It was almost like a night sky, filled with stars, with each star representing the radiance of the human being. It’s almost like Samwise Gamgee shining the light of Earendil, except this time, there’s no Frodo to save and no evil spider to combat. If you didn’t get that reference, nevermind. Just, nevermind. Just keep reading.

Danny later on wrapped up the concert with his speech before the final song. He said, “This is what music can do for us. It doesn’t matter what religion you are, who you are, where you are from, thin, skinny, tall, short, fat, music brings us together. Music connects all of us. Each of us are here for a different reason. Some of us constantly think about the future. Some of us are trapped in the past. I want you guys to live in the moment. This moment, I want you guys to live this moment right here and forget about everything else.”

That speech was something, huh. So, there was that. I immensely enjoyed myself and it was great. I mean, The Script guys. What a performance. After an intense night of fist pumping, bobbing my head up and down, losing my voice as I shouted the lyrics, late night burgers, I went to catch the bus home. Funnily, the bus came seconds before I reached the bus stop. I ran after it and managed to catch it in time. Moments. Funny how if you don’t grab that moment, it just flies by you.

Anyway, till next time. Catch you later.