Did I tell you I used to go to an all boys school?

My goodness, it was insane. Being cooped up in the same place with a thousand other guys that are having heightening levels of testosterone tends to do that. We laughed at every single crude joke there is and were so immature.

All. The. Time.

It was not all that bad. I actually like secondary/high school contrary to what a lot of people think of that phase.

One of the things that excite the Boys the most were the mid-year entry of the Form 6/Year 12 girls to join as students in our school. I choose to call it Open Season because that was what it felt like. Every single guy in school will start talking about the new students and that’s literally on everyone’s minds.

I can’t say that I managed to hold a conversation with them very well. A typical run of the mill conversation goes like this with me trying to initiate,

“Hey, so, what’s the time?”

“9 o’clock.”

Pause. Silence. Pause.

“Cool. Cool, cool. Alright, bye!”

So, yes, I didn’t really manage to talk much to girls. I always rather text than to talk to them face to face. If it’s texting, I’m on top of that game from A to Z yo (actually, still not really).

Eventually, I graduated from secondary school and got into Foundation Studies. I still remembered a friend of mine asking me, “Hey bro, do you want to come to dinner tonight? *insert typical girl’s name* and *insert typical girl’s name* are coming too.”

My mind exploded.

Damn. Life was exciting. Imagine that. Dinner with a couple of them. It’s like wow.

Anyways, I like to think that’s how a lot of my friends in school reacted if put in the same situation. Surely, I am not the only one that felt this way. Right? Right?

Overtime, I felt more comfortable talking to girls but still stutter from time to time. I think it’s because of my lack of social contact with them in my teenage years that I just didn’t know how to react. When I started uni, that’s when everything changed. I started having more meaningful and deeper conversations with girls, and guys for that matter. No longer was it trying to hit on them but it was and still is about being good friends first and foremost.

Don’t get me wrong. I still had a lot of crushes. Yeah. I did.

When I eventually got around to my first relationship (a very short one), I can’t say that I thought too much about it before it happened. In fact, it all happened so unexpectedly and quickly too. The timing and circumstances just felt right at the time. I just went for it. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out due to external circumstances and I probably took quite a while to recover from it. I know I shouldn’t have given the short nature of it but the firsts are always something hard to get over.

From then onward, I thought too much about every potential relationship I could have. I went back to basics and concentrated on the friendship aspect of it. I thought that if you concentrate on that, theoretically speaking, everything else will flow. I think something that I always said was, “Focus on being a friend first, if it works out, great. If it doesn’t work out, you still have a great friendship to cherish and at least, you care for her as a good person should do.”

Looking back, I don’t think that advice is entirely wrong but I think I also used it as a shield to guard myself against being hurt and to think there will always be a consolation if you don’t get the prize.

I did have some moments of courage along the way and asked a couple out. If I did, I had a strong feeling they were going to say no though. If I ever thought she was going to say yes, I would never ask. At least, that how I interpreted those events.

Since young, the vocation of the religious order was also on the back of my mind, simply also because people around me encouraged me. Similarly, everyone tells me to go and find a girlfriend and thinks I’m too picky. When the whole world tells you what you need to do or be, it can feel overwhelming because I’ve learned that it isn’t the voices of the world you need to hear. It is the voice inside of you, the voice of God.

Undecided between vocations and afraid to commit myself into a relationship, I didn’t do anything and happily let life passed by me. Looking back, I can’t say that is entirely true either. In A New Hope, I wrote the following:

People often ask me, “Augie, why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” or they tell me things such as, “Do you know what you are looking for?” and “You have to take a leap of faith someday.” While all these questions give me food for thought, my greatest strength is me acting out of gut instinct. When I told my friend, “I don’t have a girlfriend yet because it doesn’t feel right.”. Puzzled and bewildered, he replied, “What do you mean by right? Does it have to feel right?” Yes, it has to be. I’ve always believed that.

I still believe that and thank God I did because two years down the line, I found her, the girl that I’ve never realised I was waiting for and I never knew I needed.

If you asked me how it happened, I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly because it all happened rather unexpectedly. All I know is that I took the first initiative and everything else that happened after has been a dream.

In the period leading up to me asking her out, I prayed really hard and it’s probably the hardest I have ever done. Undecided and unable to commit, I was so afraid to venture into the unknown because it’s scary. After all that I have been through, how can I ensure that the path I choose is the absolute correct path?

I don’t and I can’t. In the end, in prayer and in silence, it was His Grace that guided my heart and gave me the confidence to take that leap of faith.

Thank God for that because she is amazing.

I have never met any girl that would make do what I did, to be brave, to be bold and to go all out.

She’s caring, compassionate, loving and most important of all, she likes me for who I am. Not who I was or who I will be but she likes me as I am now. When I asked her what attracts her about me, one of the things she said was that I’m very Catholic. It wasn’t my charm (if I ever had any in the first place). It wasn’t my job. It wasn’t my talents. It was being me. Being Catholic is such a intricate part of who I am that really, it almost defines my whole being.

When I was chasing after her, I thought I needed to be perfect or rather present a perfect version of myself to her because that’s the best version of myself right? Surely, the perfect version will never disappoint. Surely, the perfect version is able to love fully. Surely.

If the past few months are anything to indicate by, I realised that the best version of myself is not when I’m perfect because that’s not possible. To err is to be human. The best version of me is when I’m still trying my best despite not being perfect. It’s that I am still going even though the odds are against me.

Love doesn’t come from being perfect. It comes from putting the real you out there even though you know it might hurt. It comes from having the courage to take risks. It comes from putting the other person before yourself.

There’s also always this perception that having a companion makes us not feel alone. If we are not alone, then we will be happy. That statement couldn’t be more wrong. I realised it was never about being not alone, but it is always about sharing the love of Christ with one another.

Her love deepens my love for God and my love for God strengthens my love for her. At the end, it is God’s love that strengthens our love for one another so that we may love others around us even more.

We are meant to bridge each other to Christ and to Heaven. We are meant to make each other better and be more ourselves. All couples are called towards that.

I can write so much about this and so much more about her but I think I will leave it at here. After all, I’ve already written too much. However, I will end with something from a A New Hope,

My friend said this to me the other day, “That feeling of confidence and knowing she’s right will come from God! So you just stay close to Him and your life will take its course as it should be.”

Time will tell.

Time did tell.

And it’s only the beginning.