“Augie, you must have been busy organising retreat and hence have no time to write in your blog,” a friend teases me. How long has it been since the last one? More than a month. Do I even blog anymore? I do, I do. Fret not people! The blog is here to stay.

Not many people read this site to be honest. That’s partially because of my lack of promotion and also my irregularity in writing. When there’s irregularity, then people do not have it as part of their routine. I’ll try to write one every week from today because writing has become my way of sharing my life but also allows other people to share in mine.

Where was I? Yes, the retreat. Every year, the society that I’m part of (Catholic Asian Students Society, CASS) has a retreat where we go to a place faraway from the city for 3 days, have reflections, enjoy the good company and be closer to God.

It was a Friday morning. I had stop start sleeping cycles throughout the night and woke up every 30 minutes or so. I was suppose to be an usher at the busstop and my job was to, well, usher students into the bus that was going to the retreat site in Stanwell Tops. As you all might know, ushers are meant to arrive early and when you’re the president of the society, you should be even earlier. So, the night before, I texted my friend, “Hey, let’s have breakfast at McDonalds at 7:00am and then go to the usher stop at 7:30am.” By the way, the bus was scheduled to leave at 8.

At 7:18am, I felt my phone buzzing. I answered the phone and I go, “Hello”. My friend said, “Bro, we still going to Maccas?” I looked around me and still in my pyjamas, I said, “Oh shit.”

First of all, that is very Malaysian of me to do so. Secondly, my phone alarm honestly didn’t ring! I tried to think why it didn’t when clearly, I set like 10 alarms to go off every 15 minutes. Then, I realised I didn’t switch them on.

So, anyway, off I huffed and puffed to the busstop. I thought I arrived at the stop but I didn’t see any of my friends there so I asked the dudes there, “Is this bus to Stanwell Tops?” The guy then replied, “No, this is to Canberra.” Canberra! That’s like 3 hours away from Sydney! What in the world of cows. Ok, wrong stop.

Long story short. I didn’t turn on my alarm. Woke up late. Almost went to Canberra. I did arrive at the right stop. Whew.

So, all of us got to the retreat site safe and sound. I have been attending this retreat for the past five years. Every year, I do look at it from an outsider’s perspective from time to time. It helps me to see everything that is going on. However, this year I had to because it’s the president’s job to see the bigger picture and overall outlook. Being in that role, it means my huffing and puffing wasn’t over and I had to organise everyone every few hours so that we remain on time.

Despite all the rushing, this retreat was different than the last one. I arrived at this one with a more relaxed state of mind. In spite of all the uncertainty in my future (as it is with anyone), I’ve learned to cope with stresses of life a lot better than before and instead, I go through an entire different set of emotions in this one. During the retreat, I was so close to fully breaking down because of the praise and worship sessions and adoration. I think it’s also because I know this will probably be my last retreat. For those that know me, my progress in university was moving in parallel with my progress in CASS. I think it’s normal for me to feel this deep sense of sadness.

With each passing hour, the rushing continued until Saturday evening and I could finally sit down quietly and have a chat with one of our spiritual directors/advisors. I said, “John, up till today, I’m still amazed how CASS started. It started from having no one at all to this society that has a branch at every major university in Sydney. From having no one. How did we get here?”

“Augie, look at this retreat that we organised. Look at how many people there are here. There are over 60 of us. Do you think they just appear out of nowhere? How did this come together? You and I didn’t do a lot. None of us did. We all just did our small bit and looked at what we have achieved.”

That deep sense of sadness now became a deep sense of gratitude and pride. I alongside everyone else put everything we have into organising this little retreat and it showed. We somehow managed to provide a platform to help people grow in their faith and discover themselves. Bit by bit, the blank page started having scribbles, ideas and sketches. Flip past a couple of pages, you have structure and paragraphs. A few more, you see pictures. Slowly without realising, you have a book.

The best things are often not loud, fast and noisy. They often happen quietly and slowly. Amazement doesn’t have to make you cry or blow your mind. Every little thing you do is amazing. The words you say can be profound. The actions you make can be impactful.

I’m so thankful for the blessings God has given me and the gifts he has nourished me with. I will always be grateful that I can be part of this experience.

As for myself, I have come a long way since the days of always huffing and puffing throughout everyday. I’m more assured of who I am. Although I haven’t quite discover my vocation yet and how to fill the next chapter of blank pages, I trust it will happen and that I’m in a good place.