I’m way over due for a post, am I? It’s been more than a month since my last post. Every so often, I realise I need to return to basics and just, write from the heart. No structure. No planning. Just a letter from me to you and myself.

It’s not that I don’t have any ideas to write about or am not inspired. Somehow, I just haven’t sat down to do what I love the most, which is to write about these little inspirations I find from people from around me. It’s not that I don’t have time. I gave up YouTube for lent. I haven’t watched much television. Maybe it’s because I’ve been spending more time on the guitar. Maybe it’s because I come home tired from work. Maybe somewhere along the way, I haven’t had time to think about myself and forgot the beauty of writing.

In a way, this blog is a diary (I actually typed dairy for one second) of my struggles in life. Life is a strange cocoon of problems at times. There are instances where we don’t know how to deal with them. Sometimes, we’re torn apart by dilemmas. Other times, we just wish we can give up and stop time eternally. I faced a few myself.

For the first time in my life, I’ve been in Sydney for more than a year. For the first time in my life, I am away from my home during Chinese New Year. For the first time, I haven’t got a chance to return to the place I call home. I was in an internship in Sydney and hence, I needed to stay. The dream for a good career and better life seems to be on everyone’s minds but at what cost? I miss home. I miss my parents. However, the dilemma lies here. I’ve been away from home for too long that I don’t feel I belong there when I go back. When you have stayed at a different country, you undergo an immersion of a different culture and slowly find yourself changing. I’ve changed. My friends know that. My accent is not what it used to be. I’m not who I used to be. However, no matter how long I’ve stayed in Sydney, I’m still not Australian.

For better or worse, this state of limbo taught me some things. Somehow, it gives me a unique perspective and outlook on life. To my friends, I look like the kind of guy that will settle down, get married and have ten kids. Maybe, that will happen someday but I also know I’m a free spirit and a daydreamer.

The free spiritedness of myself meant that I never used to put my life ahead of me. I usually strut along to whatever rhythm I’m in and assume that was fine. Like a boat, I travel up and down on the wave that takes me. Wherever it takes, I follow. When people ask me, “Do you have a plan?” Honestly, I didn’t like answering that question simply because I was afraid of the future. Today, someone asked me that again. I told him, “Yeah, I have some sort of a plan after my internship ends. I’m going to do this and do that.” Then, he said, “You need to have one. The more granular your plan is, the more successful your life will be.” Deep down, I know he’s right.

I need to be assertive. I need to know what I want in life. I should have some expectations on myself. I have that quality in my professional life but in my personal one, I’m found wanting far too often. Of course, I shouldn’t steer to the far end of the spectrum and be demanding on every aspect of my life. Some things takes place as it is. As always, balance is important and one day, I hope I will get there.

The essence of being a free spirit is that you go with whatever life takes you. In the midst, I think we all need to have some control of the boat we are in. This is so that we remember who we are and why we do what we do. Once we forget where we come from and the reasons for our dreams, we lose ourselves. A priest told this to me once, “The idea of having infinite options is enticing because it presents millions of possibilities.” We could reach for the stars and the moon. However, at the end of the day, they remain options if we never choose any of them and we end up not being fruitful at all.

Pray. Discern. Do what you will. Do what you need to. Don’t rush and be calm headed. At some point in your life, you need to realise you need to choose and take a leap of faith. As I’m fading west, I have again found courage to embrace my fears of the future. It is what it is but I’m breathing. That means I will never know what is coming tomorrow. And that is a beautiful thing.