“How are you?”

“I’m alright. No, actually, I’m dying,”

Dying is an over exaggeration but that had been my response for a better part of this year every single time someone asked me that question. I didn’t have the energy to say, “I’m good! And how about you good sir!” because when you’re tired, you just are. There’s no reason to hide it. There’s no reason to say, “I’m perfect.” It’s not that the person does not want to but rather the person just can’t no matter how hard he tries.

I don’t think I’m busier than other people. I do not concur with the idea that engineering is the hardest discipline among the ones available. I do not believe that my situation is worse than others because what I went through is what everyone goes through at different stages of their lives. Some handled it by having a goal oriented focus towards what they want to achieve. They create lists of objectives and ticked them one by one as they go along. It keeps them on schedule. Some handle business by simply procrastinating. The intensity of stress is so severe that it overwhelms you to hide in a shell. I probably did a little of both.

As I am almost at the end of my university life, I had a fair share of the so called ‘busy’ periods but it’s all in a blur now. If you asked me how I got through them, I can’t give you an answer because in that moment, you do whatever it takes to get through the stress and fatigue of assignments, projects and part time work. I always have this feeling that lecturers and course administrators forget that students are not machines because assignments and projects don’t make up someone’s life. It’s probably not the stress from university workload that kills you but rather the emotional bearing from human relationships and interaction that does. Those long pages of essays and reports probably only add a little weight to your burden but we have seen it before. Sometimes, a paper’s width creates the whole difference between what it is and what could have been.

Usually, a culmination of a person’s university life ends with thesis. It’s what that is required when you want to graduate with honours.  If done right, it can produce one of life’s most exhilarating moments when finished. If done horribly, a person probably just moves on just as with any other disappointment in life. Side effects from thesis include 1) going bald 2) realising head and shoulders shampoo still won’t do you any good 3) loss in weight 4) increase uptake of instant noodles  5) which makes you lose your hair even more and 4) makes you not care about anything else.

I think it’s really easy to let you be the result of your goals instead of vice versa. When we let a career decision or a goal drive you forward, there’s brilliance in that but I also never agree with that. I don’t want to be done with this year and when people asked me, “How was your year?”, I don’t want to answer, “It was good. Thesis went well.” I think it’s concerning when your whole year is purely just about your work.

One of my friends, concerned for me send me this rather brilliant piece of writing titled, “The Disease of Being Busy“. It’s something everyone ought to remind themselves of their heart every once in a while, to remind you and I that our hearts are beating. It encourages us to remember to open our hearts to each other. I got to admit that I had to push myself away from people certain times throughout the year as I tried to find a good work life balance. I wouldn’t say this is also the reason I am not in a relationship but I guessed it contributed towards that. I wasn’t physically tired by any stretch of the imagination. I was mentally exhausted and every once in a while, I had to remind myself I am not a machine.

One of the things I did this year to remind myself of that was to go to daily mass more frequent. It is actually one of the nicest things about universities in Sydney. Every university has a chaplaincy that organises daily mass at 12pm so it is very convenient to attend one. I usually go to them two to three times a week. Honestly, I think I would had burned out much sooner if it wasn’t for the daily masses. Another was to play the guitar a little bit every single day. When I hear the sounds off the strings, I feel alive in the rhythm. Sometimes, I would also call my friends randomly and say a little hello.

Despite my best efforts to not be a machine, some days were inevitable. In the days leading up to my thesis presentation, I constantly felt torn inside because of the sheer amount of stress I was in. My heart needed rest. I remembered I was crazily nervous about my thesis presentation. There was a crowd of 20 people in the room and four lecturers who were sharpening their swords and ready to fire their questions. It wasn’t so much the anxiety that caused the nervousness but rather the disappointment at having not produce much to show for my work despite my best efforts throughout the year. On that Thursday, I felt like a pile of rocks and lifeless. Somehow, one by one of my friends tried their best to cheer me up and said, “Don’t worry bro. You got this. You’re going to do well.” When I see each of them caring so much about me, slowly, I remembered all that was good with life. I remembered the insane amount of blessings God has given me. My friends had always checked up on me to see if I’m okay. My sister was always concerned about me.

When it was my turn to present my thesis, I went up and calm myself down. I don’t know how much of it is true but my friends said it was one of the best of the day. I chose to believe I did well but not because of my own efforts but because of my friends and family. They brought belief back to me during a time I needed it the most.

Now that my thesis is done and dusted, I can reflect on the past year. I am glad I tried my best to remind myself that everyday is important and when I forgot, I am thankful for the people that shook me alive. It is so easy to feel restless and concentrate on the job at hand. You did well. Congratulations! But at what cost? Cost of a year? Every day is just as important. Every second is a heart beating moment. No matter how tired are you, remember that you only have today and you can never be confident tomorrow is going to come.

What happened in the past year? I learned how to play the guitar better. I wrote some songs albeit horrible at times. I got to be closer to a priest that taught me the importance of humility and respect. I blogged a little more. I knew my course mates from engineering a lot better. Most importantly,  the year wasn’t just ” I did my thesis.” For that, I’m grateful. The time you are experiencing may be the toughest time of your life but it probably won’t be your last toughest time. Just hang in there. I know it is hard but hang in there. It will pass. As long you don’t lose yourself in the process and live a heartfelt life, you’ll be fine.

Yesterday, a friend asked me, “How are you?”. For the first time in a long while, I told her, “I’m good!”.