Back when I was in high school, I used to be in the Interact Club. It’s where students come together to do service and community projects on a school level. Every year, there will be an annual dinner to usher in the new committee and also celebrate the achievements of the past year. Of course,  there would also be performances by the fellow students. Some did martial arts. Some did sketches. Some did singing. Some played the guitar. Sadly, I did nothing. I always see the performers up on stage and wondered if I would ever be up there. How would I be judged? How would people perceive me? I was afraid. I was very afraid.

When I put on my earphones, I tried to imagine myself playing the guitar on stage while performing. I would sit behind my desk, pretending I knew what to do. Dinner after dinner, year after year, I never got the courage to go up to even sing. I never think too much about it. My brother in law was right. I was shy back then. I used to cover my mouth with my T-shirt when I laughed. My classmates seem to think otherwise and thought I was very loud, hence, I would be fine upfront and on stage. They were wrong. The confidence shown through my speech and loudness was only apparent when I’m with close friends and not in any other situation.

I had all these vivid imaginations of me speaking and singing but they were always just in my head. It was never translated to reality. I watched my sister and my father who were always more confident and stronger in front of people including strangers. How can I ever be like her? How can I ever by like my father?

I would have to be encouraged by people if I was to ever get out of my comfort zone and muster some courage to speak and perform in front of a group of strangers. In Form 4/ Year 10, my English teacher picked a group of students randomly to present in front of a panel. This was to ensure the marks she gave us for English oral weren’t biased or a fluke in any sense. I was one of them. The topic that I presented was regarding “Family”. It was a fairly straightforward topic and I said the usual things such as ‘love your parents’ and ‘appreciate your family members’ while never delving into any personal emotions.

The time came for me to present to the panel of teachers. There were about five teachers in that closed room. All attention was on me. I wouldn’t say I was scared but my nerves were certainly wrecked to the core. I started speaking, “Today, I am going to talk about family and the importance of them. We should always appreciate our parents because they have done so much for us and their patience is unprecedented.” It was going to be a dull and boring speech that was scripted by a 16 year old while he was listening to music behind his desk.

Then, I decided to abandon my script and for probably the first time in my life, I put my emotion into my words as I talked about my grandmother. I told the teachers the exact moment she passed away, where was I, where was my mother and the tears that rolled down my cheeks. I told them my grandmother was put into a nursing home that year due to unfortunate circumstances. I said the sadness encountered being put in a nursing home might had hastened her death. I said, “Appreciate your family members and spend time with them while you still can. I wished I could spend more time with my grandmother but I couldn’t, the time is now gone.”

I went back home without thinking too much of it. My teacher called me an hour later saying, “Augustine, that was really good, you connected to all of us personally. Would you like to try out public speaking and represent the school?” I was shy and fearful of the stage but now my teacher was asking me to speak publicly in front of a hundred students and actual judges. Somehow, I said yes. Somehow, I survived. I didn’t win the competition but for the first time in my adolescent period of life, it was more than just a dream.

I presented a lot in front of public since then as per uni requirement. I don’t think I ace my presentations though. Soon, I became the spiritual coordinator of the Catholic Asians Students’ Society whereby I had to facilitate discussions and guide the conversation. A year later, I became the president of the society. One of the events we hosted was called Walkathon where we raised funds for youth development and local community. I remembered vomiting in the morning as I ate my breakfast. I thought it was because I ate too quickly. Some of my friends thought it was because of my nerves. Soon after, I had to give a speech. This time, I realized it wasn’t just casual speaking anymore, my faith and my emotions were driving what I wanted to say. My parents were there as well on the day. After I spoken finish, my dad came to me, looking at me with content eyes and said, “Good job.”  It meant the world to me.

That year, in the annual dinner of the society, I also managed to sing on stage as well albeit I probably forgotten half my lyrics when I was on stage. I had the support of two really good friends. They are far more talented and more confident but they were willing to perform with me when I asked them to join me. They said yes without hesitation. I did it! I sang on stage! Finally, after so many years of dreaming I would perform in front of a crowd, I did it!

A few days ago, it was time for the annual dinner again, I didn’t want to perform because I was so stressed from my studies till the point my friends were heavily concerned about me. Then, my friend texted me and said, “Bro, let’s do our song man (Some context here, he and I wrote a song together. Mind you, it’s super cheesy. Super corny.) We should make some happy memories.” Although I was so adamant on not performing, but because he asked, I said yes. We did the song a few nights ago! It was titled, ‘The Other Side’. People really seem to enjoy it, my friend and I were really happy.

One of the most important lessons I learned is that when you are on stage, it is not about seeking attention from people, it is not about emulating anyone else, it is about learning to be yourself. It is also about sharing the emotions you have with others through your words and songs. There is no substitute for presenting yourself genuinely because when you do that, there is no barrier between you and the audience. This doesn’t just apply on the stage but even in everyday conversations as well. Just be you.

Why am I saying all of these? Well, today, I just finished a major group project. It was something we worked on throughout the entire year. Again, today I had to make a speech and presented the project we worked on. I felt a sense of satisfaction after it ended. Then, something hit me. I had only three weeks of university left. Seventeen years of studying is now leading to a close in another chapter of my life. Time is always running out. I looked back and I realized how fortunate and blessed I was all those years when I said yes to my English teacher. I said yes when asked to be president. I said yes when asked by my friend to perform. Without realising, people were constantly encouraging me along the way in my life to achieve the dreams that were otherwise trapped in my head.

I almost wanted to end this with Shia Labeouf’s “Just do it!” because funnily enough, it was actually quite fitting but then again, I didn’t just do it as I had help from so many people. Dreams are often about the self discovery journey but it’s more than that, isn’t it? The dreamer has to first learn to how to be himself because that’s where it starts.