Almost a week ago, I met up with a very good friend of mine from my high school in Malaysia. I am now in Sydney. I haven’t seen him for more than a year now and sometimes you have that strange feeling, “What do I say to this guy?” even though you have known him all your life since childhood so it’s a really strange question to begin with. Of course, if your friendship is a good one, it doesn’t matter how long you have not seen each other, the friendship always has two buttons to it, the pause and the play. It’s almost as if time never moved and you find yourself resuming business as usual even if the circumstances and time has changed.

So, this is a friend whom I grown up with. If anyone can cut through my pretence and know me for the real me, it would probably be him. He is not much of a talker and never has been. That’s just the way he is. Despite not being as talkative as I am, I do understand him and it’s amazing to see how responsible he has become with time. He was always the sensible and responsible one among my group of friends, sure, he may spout out the craziest stuff sometimes, but underneath all that, he was always focused on what he was doing and had sheer determination.

It’s funny too when you think about it. Say you haven’t met a friend for a long time, you would figure that he or she has changed character wise, fashion wise and maybe even the hairstyle. But then again, do we ever really change? Go and reminisce of yourself a few years ago and compare to your current person, have you really change? It’s a matter of perspective really. In some ways, I am now a completely different person but my core remains the same from since when I was a child.

While I and him walked to the bar, we talked about our future and the directions we are taking in our lives. The question really is, “Do you want to go back to Malaysia?”. It’s as simple as that. He had no difficulty answering it while I couldn’t manage a proper answer for various reasons. All those years, I always tried to deflect the question of “What do you plan to do after you finished studying?”, thinking that I can push it to later. Really, I paused it. Eventually, time caught up and the question that was part of a casual conversation has now transcend to a serious one that I can’t escape from.

When I was younger and I was 8, I was asked to write down what I wanted to be when I grow up. I wrote, ‘Bank Manager’ (after my dad), ‘Scientist’ and ‘Civil Engineer’. Thinking back, it’s amazing that was the list instead of it being read, ‘Policeman’, ‘Fireman’ and ‘Ironman’. I was more grounded in realism than I thought and possibly it was because of my mother saying that, “If you like math, you should do engineering,”. Oh, how wrong was she. Engineering is much larger than that. It is the bridge between theoretical models and the physical world; imagination and realism; and ultimately, it offers a reasonable solution to problems.

I definitely didn’t take up bank manager and instead ended up on the latter ambitions. I guess I am doing research into science but I didn’t quite make it as a civil engineer as I am not civil enough (har har, insert comment here about how unfunny I am). I did take up aerospace engineering. So, there’s that. But the most amazing and yet scary part about dreams and ambitions is that they can change and can be anything you want it to be. What if the ambition you wanted as a child has now changed? You find that the path you wanted is not quite what you want it to be now.

When thinking about the future, family commitments, romanticism, career and relationships come to mind. Few people can say they picked a path that satisfied all of that. It always requires some sacrifice one way or the other. A few months back, I asked this question, have you ever thought, “Where do I go from here?”. Throughout the past few months, I had definitely been struggling with the idea and was desperately searching for an answer. Then, a friend said to me that day, “Well, let me ask you this, what makes you happy?”.

I definitely didn’t take up after my dad as a bank manager but in a lot of ways, there are parallels between me and him. One of them being we have romanticism for the place we grew up in. Eventually, he made the decision to leave the place he worked at for more than 10 years to move back to his hometown because, well it is his hometown. I, on the other hand want to go back to Malaysia after I finished studying because similarly, I can’t phantom the idea of leaving the place where I grew up in, received my school education and was so immersed in the culture. Four and a half years ago, I wanted to write a note reminding me of this. I never quite wrote it because I knew, inside of me, that I can never quite force my perceptions and ideals from the past on my present self.

The idea to let life pleasantly surprise me never has been my strong trait, or so I thought. I have been out of my comfort zone more than I thought I had. I was the one that told my parents that I am willing to follow my dad to his new working place and leave my hometown. I tried out choral speaking and public speaking in front of a huge crowd. Despite reluctantly coming here to Sydney, I now know a lot of people from all walks of life. I travelled to Melbourne with a band of strangers that spoke my third language. I maybe terrified of dates with girls but I never back away from it.

I am always afraid of losing my identity but slowly realising, my identity was build from me leaving my comfort zone and never afraid to challenge myself. Instead of being scared of my life ahead of me and not knowing where to go from here, I should embrace the fear and remember that the best questions one has to ask themselves are always the simplest ones. “What makes me happy with my life?” As self centred as that question is, it really isn’t as well because ultimately passion drives what we want to do in life. That’s when your best work is done.

For now, I don’t know whether I’ll be leaving my country, my friends and people I’m close with in search of my dreams and aspirations but I had always tried my best to maintain those relationships. I think about them all the time and love all these wonderful people that had come to my life. I do know one thing. Eventually, I have to let go of some things around me. Life is constantly moving and changing. My character will keep changing and hopefully grow for the better but I do believe a large part of me will stay the same. Again, matter of perspective. For those that I love and if they feel the same way about me, as long as we make the effort, when I see you again, I know I can easily just press play.