What a strange little title to end the year, isn’t it? Initially, I had the idea back in my head to write a piece on flowers. I even did background research on it and everything. Alas, I felt this was more fitting to end the year with. First off, I would like to wish you Happy New Year and may all your resolutions come true. 🙂

I have been getting a lot more viewers on this blog lately! That’s really due to my shameless promotion. Aha. I tell my friends about it and some of them visited it and stayed behind. Good on you, person who is reading this and thank you for that. Thank you for having faith in me. The posts I feel particularly connected to were ‘Fight or Flight’, ‘Hello.Love.Heartbreak’ and ‘There and Back Again’. I wrote stories again! In fact, the grand total is… two which are ‘Angel’ and ‘Second Glance’ . A friend mentioned that ‘Second Glance’ reflected me as a person now and I really don’t know what that means but I definitely know I don’t have a wife and a kid. If I could say which post set the tone for this year, it was really ‘Fight or Flight’ because it impacted me on an emotional level and recent events brought back the lividness of the memory.

I’m two paragraphs in and I have made no single mention of the title. So, when I was young, I remembered sitting in one. This was when I was cute. Aha! Stop snickering. So I was six years old and I rode in my first cable car trip with my family. I highly doubted my family would have let me sit the cable car alone. I should also mention to you now that my first flight was when I was five to the land down under. Yes, Sydney. So back to the cable car, I remembered sitting in it and I was excited like a kid who swallowed ten packets of lollies. My sister however wasn’t. She feared roller coasters for a reason and this was just scary for her. Imagine this. You are sitting in a cable car across several metres, travelling from one point to the other hanging on nothing but you guessed it, a cable. If anything happened and the cable snaps, you fall into the land of nothingness.

I sat in it and I feared nothing. I guess being six years old helped and I was excited about every single thing and it showed. I asked my sister, “Why are you scared?”. Backtracking to my first flight, I didn’t sleep at all mind you. The flight was 8 hours and my word I was giddy. I sat up all night playing video games on screen and I asked my mum and sister a question 7 hours in. “Why aren’t we landing yet? Can we land now?” They laughed with shock on their faces and told me not to say stuff like that. Just with the cable car, I feared nothing on my first flight.

15 odd years later, I realised why I never feared. I had faith in a cable and in an airplane. It’s a bit odd isn’t it to have faith in a metallic wire that has current running though it. As a child, I trusted every thing but more importantly, when I put my faith in a cable and in an airplane, I put my faith in the people that build and operated it. My faith and trust in them was what carried me to my destination. With my family by my side, I had no reason to fear or whatsoever.

15 odd years later, it’s a trying time for the aviation industry with three aircraft incidents related to my country or at least my country’s neighbour happened this year. 15 odd years later, a man whom people still don’t know much about held a group of people in the city I study in hostage which resulted in three deaths.

Upon a day after hearing the news of the Sydney Siege, I took a train into the city at night. For once in my entire life, I had fear when I took the train and looked everywhere as I walked. A week after the incident, I sat in my flight home hanging tight to my seatbelt when it was under serious turbulence with horrifying images flashing by my head. Have I lost faith in humanity and humans themselves?

I know what it feels like for people to not have faith in you. Humanity throughout history teaches us that we really suck. I really do mean we suck. It’s that simple. Let that sink in. Since the beginning of time, humanity has failed time and time and never learning its lessons but the failed nature of humanity has never stopped humans from trying time and time again. If we lose our faith in humanity and in humans themselves, will we ever try time and time again?

I remembered someone telling me she wasn’t sitting in Malaysia Airlines because she feared it and didn’t trust it. It was reasonable and unreasonable. In fact, I was actually very annoyed to the close point of being outraged by what she said. I have always said this, we still don’t know what happened to Mh370. We know Mh17 got shot down. How is it then we doubt the national airlines of our country? If people doubted it, shouldn’t that exactly be the time we had faith when it’s trying times and in dying light?

In the aftermath of the Sydney Siege and report after report and theory after theory being churned out, I visited Martin Place with a couple of friends. If you weren’t there, you wouldn’t believe it or maybe you will. The scent of flowers filled throughout the air and there was a massive line of people just waiting to put flowers for two people whom they have never met before in their lives. There were hundreds waiting to write condolence letters and messages for the victims. People were mourning but the air wasn’t just filled with scent of flowers but it was scented with humanity once again. My mum asked why I visited the place, I replied in response, “Why not?”.

I know my nature is more of in hope and in faith. Am I building castles in the sky and just grasping at straws? Shouldn’t I be more practical and put more stock in strategic solutions and methods? As a future aerospace engineer, shouldn’t I think of ways to increase the safety of aircraft and perhaps pilot error can be reduced significantly? As an international student, shouldn’t I think of campaigns to advocate for the safety of the public amidst the idea of terrorism finally successfully creeping into members of the society? Yes, I should but they should not be done with a view that all is lost with humanity and that humans can’t be trusted to protect the security of the nation or pilot an aircraft. They should be done with the view that yes, we still have faith regardless of what happened.

We all have been through periods where no one and I do mean no one have faith in us. It was heartbreaking to see the pictures coming out of the AirAsia crash. I really wanted to cry when I saw the response of the family members. It wasn’t the picture of the wreckage that made me cry but the picture of a person in tears because that is what humanity is. It is essentially every single one of us with a regard that we could be them and they could be us. In trying times and dying light, I could easily lose faith and asked why and how and all the relevant questions or I could hope and have faith we will bounce back from this in the midst of that.

While reports are not determined and investigated fully, I will always have faith that engineers and the pilot did everything they could and to the best of their ability. When madman and gunman choose to threaten a whole nation, I will always have faith that humanity will thrive at its lowest. That’s how I choose to live my life because sometimes, a little faith goes a long way.

As a child, I trusted a cable and a aircraft. 15 odd years later, I trusted an operator and a pilot.

What happens when life gives you a second glance?

“Claire, where are you? Claire, can you hear me?”

Silence.

“Claire! Come back. I need you.”

Silence.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. This is all my fault. I could have saved her. I could have. What have I done?

If I could have one more day with her, just one more day. Please. A day is all I need.

I closed my eyes and lay my head to rest. I could never forget her eyes pleading for help and showing fear.

* * *

“So,what are we watching today Chris?” Claire asked.

“How about the new Star Wars flick?” I smiled and asked.

The cinema was packed today. There hasn’t been a Star Wars film for 18 years and there’s still a cult till today. I, like them have waited this long. People were coming in from left, right and centre. The scent of butter caramel filled the air.

“You want to take us to watch a sci-fi flick for our first date?” she responded with her eyes looking at me strangely.

“What’s wrong with that? I think it’s pretty cool to have Star Wars as our first date.”

“You can’t be serious?” she gave me that look. I know that look.

I really wanted to watch it. I had to pick today out of all day for movie night. Goodness, what should I do.

“Can’t we watch something else like perhaps A Walk to Remember?”

“But…”

“Please, pretty please.”

Make that 18 years and 1 day.

“Alright, let’s go and watch it.”

* * *

I woke up with a start. Was I dreaming? I immediately went to my living room and looked at my photos.

It was there. The photo of our first date. We were at the theatre. I remembered taking it after the movie. There were Star Wars fans who cos-played all around us. This was probably the first time I dreamt of the past. Is that even possible?

I put on a fresh pair of shorts and shirt. I wore my joggers and left the house. I needed to clear my mind after that.

I arrived at the park. It was surprisingly empty.  The usual old couple at the rusty bench weren’t there. Where was everyone? All I see are the shed leaves from the trees. I didn’t think any further and turned on my Fitbit watch. I started to run. I ran as fast as I could.

I am not as fit as I used to be. Back when I was a fireman, I used to run at least ten kilometres everyday. It was both a choice and necessity. Every second counts.

A second. That’s all the difference it makes.

My iPod was with me. I decided to put in some music and left it on shuffle. Ain’t that a surprise.

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In others words baby kiss me.

Alright, maybe this wasn’t what I was looking forward to when I’m running.  I was expecting a bit of upbeat music and not jazz. Jazz was always my wife’s favourite music and not mine. As I kept running, I remembered the day I gave her this song.

* * *

“What’s this?”

“It’s a mixtape, silly.”

“It feels more like a disc than a tape, Chris,” she snickered. “What’s in this disc?”

“I have been compiling this for weeks now. It’s some of my favourite songs and yours.” I told her.

“Do we even have a song? Like our own song?”

“Do we need to have one?”

“I don’t have a Walkman with me at the moment. How do I play this?”

I looked at her and said sarcastically, “Maybe, we can use the CD player that’s in the car that we are sitting in at the moment…or not.”

“Keep acting smart and one day I will leave you.” she responded.

So, we took an half an hour drive along the highway and the night was ours. Fly me to the moon, Fast Car, Collide, Angel of Mine, Chasing Cars, How Deep is Your Love  and the list goes on.

“I love this very much Chris.” Claire looked me in the eyes.

“I’m glad you do.”

“Can I give you something too?”

“What is it?” I asked her excitedly.

That was the night we had our first kiss.

* * *

I looked at my watch and it turned out I ran around 6 kilometres today. Not bad Chris. Not too bad at all. Ah, I can hear it. The lovely sound of the milk being frothed.

“A long black please. Add two sugars to that.”

“That’s a lot of sugars Chris,” the barista gave me a judging look.

“I just had a run, I think I’m good for today,” I smiled.

“If you say so laddie. Are you meeting your friend today?”

“Ah, the good friend. Yes, I am meeting Peter today. He was suppose to run with me but overslept as usual. He should be here in five minutes.”

I got my coffee and sat down at a nearby table. I don’t know why I keep coming to this place. Maybe cause it’s the nearest to the park and it’s outdoors. Maybe cause the people here are nice. Maybe it’s just me.

Peter came soon and called for me.

“Chris!”

“Look at you, on time for coffee but didn’t show up for the run. Aren’t you lazy?”

“Hey, thirty five years of bad habits ain’t going to change overnight.”

“Sure, sure. Have a seat Pete.”

“Hey I will be real quick. I actually have to take care of my sister’s kids. She’s got something urgent all of a sudden.”

“Oh, you could have cancelled Pete. Don’t have to worry.”

“Yeah, I know. I thought I should give you these photos. I didn’t want to waste another day.”

“What photos?”

“They are from Claire.”

* * *

It turned out that these photos were from years ago. The day before she died. She had asked Pete to touch up these photos properly so that she can give them to me. Pete and I were so busy handling her funeral that he forgotten about it till today. Only Pete will still print photos. I guess he was sentimental like that.

I had no idea what photos are this. I thought I had all our photos that we took together. I sat in my car and hurriedly opened the brown envelope.

They were all places. The places that we have been to  together except it didn’t have us in it. It was just the place itself. The cinemas was there. The highway was also there. Everything was also there. It was all places where we celebrated something. Perhaps she was going to give this to me on our anniversary.

I laid back on my car seat and closed my eyes. How am I suppose to get over the woman I love? It’s bad enough I think about her every day but these photos made me miss her so much more.

Why? Why now? I slammed my hands onto the steering wheel. I didn’t care. I kept hitting it till my hands were now red.

Wiping my tears on my sleeves, I flicked through the photos. I flicked to one with a train station in it.  I don’t remember what was significant about this. It was just like any other day.

* * *

“Chris, I can’t do this anymore”

“What can’t you do Claire?”

“My studies, my work, my family. I’m sick of everything.”

“Come here.” I hugged her.

We sat watching trains pass by for three hours. I held her onto my arms and we both didn’t say a word.

Silence.

* * *

I decided what I need to to do. I pushed the accelerator and started driving. Using the photos as a guide, I decided to go to all of them one by one. I needed to do this. I couldn’t save her. At least I could do this now.

The memories were getting more vivid as I visited all the places. Memories I never knew existed.

Over the years, I have forgotten.

There were thirty pictures in that envelope. I have probably run though twenty-nine of them. One more to go. I looked at it and stopped the car instantly. It can’t be.

This was where it happened. This was where I made my mistake.

I picked up my phone and called Peter immediately.

“What’s up Chris?”

“Hey, when did Claire send this pictures to you?”

“About a week before the accident. Why?”

My heart sank. It can’t be a week. Why is there a picture of it? I don’t understand.

“Chris, you still there? Chris! Hello?”

I put down the phone. I had one last stop to go to.

* * *

I parked my car and got down. The building was there. It was just as how I remembered it. After all these years, it’s still standing. Unbelievable.

The building was on the side of the road. In front of it was this big water fountain with benches all around it. This was where the office workers will come to sit and have lunch. Sometimes; to just have a chat. It was a historical building with ten floors. It looked like it came out of war movie but it was solidly build. Sturdy might I add. The brown colour made it blend well with the fountain and trees.

I always wonder what it will be like coming back here. I shouldn’t have driven here. This was a bad idea I thought.

I suddenly saw a fire brigade came by. I recognized it. This was the one I was in on the day. Everything around me quickly changed. The building was now on fire. People were running out of the building. Then, I saw myself.

I have returned to the day of the accident.

* * *

“Chris, think this through clearly. Don’t go gung ho into the building just cause your wife is in there. You have to think rationally when you are in there. I know how hard this can be,” my superior said.

“Don’t try and think for a second that you understand how I am feeling, I’m going in now.” I shouted back at him.

I still can’t quite believe what is happening. It feels like I’m a bystander and watching a movie clip unrolling.

There had been a fire explosion in one of the offices. It was something to do with bad wiring and retrofitting. The alert issued was an amber alert which means the fire was highly severe. I could see everyone screaming and running out of there. The smoke levels on the 9th floor was increasing rapidly and it was going to engulf the whole floor soon if nothing was done.

My wife was on the 8th floor.

I saw myself unloading the hose onto the fire hydrant frantically. I tried calling out but no one could hear me. I followed myself into the building and hurried up the stairs.

One, two, three, four, five and 195 more steps to go. I was having trouble keeping up with myself. As we are about to reach the 7th floor, I can hear the floor collapsing. The 9th floor was gone which means … Claire.

We went to the 8th floor instead. A couple of other firemen were following closely behind me as I had lead. I see myself opening the door and the heat almost blew me back. The fire has now almost consume everything. In the corner, I saw Claire trapped under a cupboard.

I stood there watching everything unfold again.

* * *

“Claire! Claire! Where are you? It’s Chris. Claire! Where are you? Can you hear me?”

My voice was dying to not be overpowered by the flames and heat.

“Claire, where are you? Claire, can you hear me?” I shouted all the more.

“I’m here, Chris!” my wife shouted weakly and waved her arms.

I ran to where she was at and signalled my other friends to come help me. Just as they came, the floor between me and them give way. They couldn’t help me.

“Claire, it’s alright. I will get you  out of this baby. Just stay with me.” I tried helplessly lifting the cupboard by myself.

Come on! Why can’t I lift this? Why is my adrenaline not helping me? Come on!

I soon hear the floor beneath her creaking. I knew what was going to happen.

“Baby come on. Don’t do this. Don’t give up on me.” I shouted exasperatingly.

She looked at me and said go. I held her hand tightly and the floor give way soon after. We both dropped onto the floor below us. The last thing I remembered was hitting my head on the floor and that was the last time I saw Claire.  I suffered a concussion and blacked out.

* * *

Everything around me changed again. I was back at the front of the building. The fire was gone. The brigade disappeared. The building was partially destroyed. What just happened?

I was in shock. As I saw everything unfolded, I realised I was wrong about what I thought happened. I soon heard a voice behind me. I knew that voice.

“Chris.” she smiled at me.

I turned back and gasped. Claire was standing there. It was almost she never died and looked the same age as before and as beautiful as ever. “How is this happening?” I asked.

“It doesn’t matter does it? I’m here Chris.” I hugged her tightly. I missed her so much. It was her face. I put my hands on her cheeks.

“Have you been doing all these?” I asked her.

“What have I been doing?” she replied.

“I just saw you in the fire and I had a very strange day. The photos. The dreams. The flashbacks. Everything.”

She didn’t say anything. She just stood there almost as if waiting for me to continue my sentences.

“Am I dreaming again?”

“This is definitely very real. See?” she touched my face and smiled.  I cried. I have not seen her for five years. I never thought I would see her again.

I sat down with her at one of the benches and we just started talking like she was never gone.

“How is it like over there?”

“It’s everything and so much more. It’s like all the stories we hear but even better. So much better.”

“When you were at the fire, you were never scared. Were you?”

She shook her head in agreement. “You were there, I was never scared. The fear was gone when you called me out.”

“All these years, I always thought you were afraid. I couldn’t do a thing to help you. I felt so useless.”

“The past teaches us many things, Chris. Sometimes, we just don’t remember things as they were as we grew older. Sometimes we forgot about them altogether”

“What does it teach us?” I asked.

“Silly, you should know better than me by now.”

“Why did you take a picture of the train station?”

“It wasn’t the anniversaries or first dates that mattered the most, what mattered was you love me whenever and wherever. You did the best you could every single time. Till the moment I died.”

My head and hers were now close to each other. Deep down, I knew what she meant.

“Hey before you go, can we have a dance?”

“I thought you never ask.”

I held her onto my arms as long as I could. I know this dance wasn’t forever. What I have is now. Forget about later. Forget about her leaving me. I just want to dance with her. I sang this as we danced.

You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me
Can’t you see
You’re everything I hope for
You’re everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Holding back my tears, I hugged and kissed her for one last time.

* * *

I picked up my son from his grandma’s place. I can’t believe he’s 6 already.

“Hi daddy, where are we going?”

“We are going to get a hot chocolate. How about that?”

“Yay!”

I held his hand and walked to a cafe. We ordered our drinks and sat down. I took out my pen and my diary and put them on the table.

“What’s that, daddy?” my son pointing at my diary.

“This is a diary, dear.”

“What do you do with it?”

“You write about what happened today and look back at it in the future.”

“Why would you want to write about the past? Isn’t tomorrow better? I want to eat pancakes tomorrow!”

“You are right. You know what’s better. Today. Today is good.”

“If today is good, why do you write about the past?”

“In the events that happen yesterday whether it’s sadness or joy, we sometimes forget what we did. It can be confusing and dark. Only when we appreciate our yesterdays can we truly move on to today. They are the answers to the questions we have in the present.”

“Daddy, I don’t understand.”

“One day you will.”

“Do I need one daddy?”

“Maybe when you are older.” I smiled.

When I started this blog almost two years ago, I remembered a friend told me, “I want to see you writing more personal posts and your thoughts on things.” as I was writing more stories that time. I had a blog previously when I was 15 and that is now dormant. I started this one because I remembered the days I used to write stories in school and I didn’t any more as university didn’t require that. So, I wrote “The Sixth Sense” as my first post. I don’t remember what inspired me. If I recall correctly, it was the title of Mitch Albom books that did it. One title read “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”. I have never read it then but I got inspired by that and started to think about my senses and somehow we were missing something. The story wasn’t my most structurally and grammatically correct post to date but I think it was my finest idea when I looked back at it now. Little did I realize my posts were more personal as I wrote more and I found out that my friends were inspired by my emotions and struggles that I go through everyday. That gave me courage to write more personal ones because I know in my sadness and struggles, someone out there gain strength and hope.

Yesterday could have been ranked one of my saddest days in my life. I got my exam results yesterday and they weren’t the best. Thank goodness I didn’t fail anything but I almost did. It was a new low for me. At the same time, I couldn’t quite believe it but at the same time, I know it’s true. It’s just been hard. Nothing was working out for me this week. I felt my world blacking out as I doubted every single fibre in my body. I prayed. I talked about this before with a friend. What happens when you are tired of trying your best? What if your best isn’t enough? What if your faith has gotten to such a low point that you feel there’s nothing left?

I didn’t plan on telling this to anyone. Then, one by one of the blessings came rushing back to me. On my hand, I have a guy that doesn’t know me well trying to get me a job at an engineering industry the best he can. On another, I have my best friend talking to me about it and comforting me. As I got through today, someone said thanks to me for helping her pass her exams. There were a lot of things in between as well. These might seem little things but in the midst of suffering, the glimmers of hope were enough to make me get up and appreciate everything I have in life. I lost that fight along the way. I lacked energy and motivation as I got through my studies. It was frustrating no doubt but I also remembered I have people around me to help me get through this. I also remember that that especially in your lowest moment, that’s the moment you have to hope again.

I will need time. I will recover from this. The time will come again when I will give my absolute everything in what I do. Today, I shared my personal story because I know I’m not the only one that has lows in life. Everyone goes through them and they normally hide it pretty well because they don’t want to feel vulnerable. Just as I found hope from people around me, I hope you found hope from this as well. No matter what happens in your life, remember the people who remembers you. Remember the blessings God has given you. Remember that there’s always hope and it’s for you to believe. When you begin to doubt yourself, know that everyone goes through it. To quote a friend of mine, “Understandably, we all have our own journeys, but at the same time, we are on the same journey”.