“Forgive? What is that? Honestly, you’re telling me to forgive her for the horrible thing she has done against me? How could I? She broke my trust, my confidence and my heart! She broke it into pieces. After what she has done? No! I’m never forgiving her. Not in my life. She can say goodbye. I’m moving on.”

What is forgiveness? That’s a good question. What does it mean to truly forgive? Is what you are doing really forgiving another person? Initially, I was going to quote the Catechism of the Catholic Church and then proceed with my own definition but I realized that it felt a bit disjointed and also that not everyone reading this is a catholic so I’m going to just proceed with my personal definition.

Forgiveness literally means to forgive another person. If someone has done wrong against you, I really doubt you can forget it. The offence will scar you and you carry that scar with you for the rest of your life. I have a scar on my left arm that was caused by a burning iron. Up till today, it is still there and it’s probably something that I would carry with me forever. Depending on how big the scar is, it might or might nor irk you. You can never truly forget someone’s wrongdoing against you but you try any ways. 

The misconception that people have usually is that to forgive is to forget. No, you don’t. If you can’t forget that crappy cheesy commercial or the annoying jingle, how can you forget hurt? How can you forget anger? How do you forget sadness? Forgiving is about letting go of the resentment and anger that you have. It is about giving up the grudge you hold against the person. When you see the person again, the first thing you think of is not what he or she has done wrong against you but rather you see the intrinsic goodness of the person. In simple terms, forgiving is about love.

I know it’s easy to say forgiving is about love. In reality, forgiving someone is such a difficult thing to do. Forget about our closed friends and family. When we see someone in the newspaper or tabloids committing something that ranges from committing a robbery to saying something silly, our minds immediately just switch to hate that spits out harsh words that we don’t say on a daily basis. We drive that resentment onto social media and in our texting with people. While one’s actions should be judged, is one entirely to be blamed for what they have done? In some cases, their actions deserve to be reprimanded and the person that is responsible for it should be punished appropriately. I realized that in our society, one is quick to judge and not think of one’s intentions behind what he or she has done.

I can’t remember the last time someone has done something really terrible against me. There is probably some but I just need time to remember it. As I mentioned earlier, we don’t really forget anything. However, I do remember the last time I done something really wrong against someone. It felt terrible and I was so distraught at myself. I’m not taking blame away from people offending you but rather I’m saying that if someone were to realize that they have done wrong, it’s honestly a regret so deep you wish you can undo it if you were able to go back in time but we all know that can’t happen. With myself, I always think of the reasons they have done it, why they done it and how did they get involved. Was it partially or purely the person’s fault? When you start to understand someone’s intention behind their actions, that’s when you start to forgive. I shouldn’t really use the word ‘they’ as if it’s a separate entity because they could well be truly us.

Forgiveness is subjective. It depends on the person. It depends on if he or she has apologized. It’s different between guys and girls as well. I’m probably going to get stick for this but girls in general tend to remember people’s faults better. The process might take seconds or years. The length varies for each person depending on their background, individuality, the offence against you and what has the person done to apologize for it. Forgiveness has no logic or algorithm to wrap your head around. It stems from you. It stems from your prayer. It stems from your heart.

It’s a hard thing to do. When you forgive, you are at peace with your past and the person. The burden that holds you heart is let go of but if everyone can do that, we won’t have wars now, would we? Think of the last time you were in a situation where you wanted forgiveness but wasn’t given, how did you feel? Can you really move on without forgiving?