Death does not choose. Death does not fight. Death comes when it comes.

Nothing is too late. Nothing is too early. There is only, the right time.

We have all dealt with death before. Even for those who have not been through a death of a loved one, they are somehow or rather influenced by it without realizing it. Death creates and spurs a chain of events that turn our lives upside down and inside out. I would like to think that soldiers and Navy seals are not immune to it even though they say they are.

It is inevitable that death befalls us. We are not immortals. There are some that believe that our souls will not cease to exist but instead await judgement. There are some who believe that we cease to exist altogether.

Under normal circumstances, a lot of people naturally move on after facing a death. However, there is a window or grace period for you to mourn. The most important thing is to use this window wisely and not get stuck in the past. If you however continue to mourn after the window has passed, you find yourself in a house of mirrors or trapped in a bubble with no way out. You keep projecting your emotions, feelings and regrets onto the deceased that it keeps becoming a cycle, a never ending cycle. That’s when we stop living and instead have become the walking dead. 

Why do we get affected by it so badly at times? The question is what do you do after we meet anyone? You say goodbye, good luck, have a safe trip, be good, all the best, tell me how it goes and so on and so forth. I think we all say this with the hope of meeting that person again sometime in the future, maybe not too soon but definitely somewhere and sometime when the two paths intertwined again. If the memory and impression of the person is a strong and good one, that hope becomes a candle that burns. The candle continues to burn until the next time you meet the person again. It stops burning. Then, it lights again. It is a repeating cycle but like all candles, they are never lasting and the wick will soon run out. It will then feels like a completely empty room overwhelmed with darkness.

We all deal with things differently. I normally deal with it pretty well. I have grown up accepting the fact that death is a natural part of life. Yes, I feel sad whenever it happens but I know I have to keep continue living because that’s what they would want me to do. As a Catholic, I do not believe death is the end of our journey. Death is only the beginning. We spend our whole lives living in the midst of mysteries and to finally being able to see and learn about them is a beautiful thing. We live in a world that is suffering and painful. Dying releases us of that burden and set us free. Gravity has let go of us. 

Reading the book ‘The Five People You Meet in Heaven’ a while back has strengthened this perspective. It also has given me a new one. The book is fiction but I would like to think that it is true and and it will be what we go through. We die and then meet different people of our lives. They may or may not be directly related to us but they had have a major presence and effect on our lives. These people help give us solace. More importantly, they help us make sense of our yesterdays and to understand our past. 

Those that are dead go through that path. What about us? We also go through that. We scan through memories of the person, meet with people that shared the same sentiments and give him one last goodbye at his grave so that we can make sense of our yesterdays with the person and to treasure the memories we had been through together. The empty room with darkness is no more but what’s left is a token.

You carry these tokens through your life after saying your final goodbyes. One by one of this tokens fuel you with hope, a different kind of hope that one day, no matter how long, you will be with them again in paradise. 

Like a dolphin yo.

Hey there, didn’t see you. *Turns around chair* Today is the first day in my quest to become an ultimate dolphin. 

*Head looks down* Yes, I do not know how to swim. Hey, there’s a first for everything. Here’s how my my first lesson went down. Case A and Case B. 

Case A

A 20-year old boy tries to swim. Breathing in an air of courage, he jumps in the swimming pool. Full of confidence, his legs started kicking against the water. His hands move out in a V-shape athlete manner creating the ultimate breaststroke. Breathes out into the water. Breathes in air as he rises… He was on his way… to not move an inch. 

Case B

A 10-year old girl down into the deep end of the pool and starts swimming. 

Well, the girl was my instructor’s daughter. Haha. I have to say it was pretty fun. I used to fear what would happen to me if I go into the swimming pool. When I sit on planes, I used to imagine situations where I jumped heroically out of the plane wearing the ugly yellow duckling vest and then the vest burst. When you can’t swim, there’s a lot of things you can’t do without worrying not that I worry much.

I’m hoping my future lessons will be better and I can really start swimming like a fish. Imagine the things I can do! Like 

Swimming, more swimming and more more swimming. There isn’t really much to do. But I can start banana boating or go into a ship without worrying that much.

Here’s to uncharted waters. Cheers! 

 

I can finally say I’m back home after a while. Ipoh is and will forever will be my home. But Kuching is something else entirely.

Some things have changed. Some have not. The question I ask myself is what kind of person I am now? I so often realise I revert back to a different personality when I’m back here talking to my friends. You may not realize it but your personality ever so slightly changes when you are with different people or in different places.

When you are on holiday, you are on a tourist personality. When you are with your school friends, you revert to the personality from that era.

I find mine changes. When I’m back with my high school friends, I simply am who I was. The rough and loud guy. It was a simpler time. I didn’t have relationships to deal with. I didn’t have to think about my future. I didn’t have to fix a lot of situations.

The fact that I’m writing this post means my personality is not completely reverted. Being in a new environment overseas has given me new perspective on things and also to introspect more on a daily basis. New friends and a different stage of life has given birth to a  growing and different personality.

I think what I’m trying to say is I realise I have change a lot. So much so that I realize that my personality is slightly different with different people. It’s part of growing and it’s part of a paradigm shift in cultures.

I really do wonder what makes us change our personalities. Is it the fact that we just put on different faces for different people? Or is it that you are just naturally influenced by your environment. Or is it you share similar experiences which makes your output different ?

This holiday is making me going through my past, my roots, my experiences more so than the rest. I am hoping for the best and I hope this inspires you to ask yourself, why do I act the way I do in front of people?

“Hey hey, bro, what we going to do bro? We ain’t find a home yet? ”
“Don’t worry bro, I got your back. We homies stick together for life yo”
“Alright, bro fist”
“You mean bro leg?”
“Ok, let’s bro leg!”

So the two insects went together in search of a home. It was a tall building they are looking at. There’s the security cameras and don’t get me started on the stairs and the lifts. How did they even get through? Silly me, they are insects. They can …fly.

Off they flew floor by floor in search of a home to stay. Beggars can’t be choosers. But this was the annoying elite squad of beggars which makes them professional hunters which means they are not beggars.

“Sully, I feel tired. Can we just lie down somewhere first? My legs are wearing out.”

Sully adjusted his imaginary tie and started talking to his imaginary mic. “Mick. Rain, hail or shine, we are going to do this. We are going to make our fathers and their fathers and their father’s fathers proud. We won’t be let down. I dream. Oh, I boldly dream of a world where’s there is peace and the black and white can sit down together…”

Mick nudged him, “Sully…”

“We will talk like civilised adults insects and provide for the future and the future genera…”

“Sully!!!!! Look!”

“Shit.”

So he did. What he saw before him was unlike anything he has seen before. It was the gold standard. The house’s owners have left for vacation. It was so silent you can hear a pin drop. What stand before them was a toilet bowl. This, this wasn’t an ordinary bowl. No, it was as stated, the gold standard.

It was unoccupied, untouched and …unflushed after someone did their number two. This was the Hawaii to the insects. This was… My toilet.

My parents left the house more than a month ago. I suspect one of them forgot to flush it. The toilet bowl was filled with larvae and well,shit. Don’t puke now. I know. Hang in there.

When I went to the toilet (I was the first to discover), it was beyond scary.

Imagine lord of the rings. Imagine Sauron. Imagine him in his all glorified form with his ring.

That was what I felt I saw.

It has now scarred me for life. The whole bottle of toilet bowl cleaner can only do so much. I need counselling.

Bye everyone 🙂