I came back and kissed her on her forehead. She didn’t respond to me. She couldn’t. I sat for a while and then took the bin from underneath and sweep all the tissues that was lying around into it. The doctors already told me that it’s not good if this continues. If I don’t want to go blind, I have to stop. Sigh.

Helpless. Disoriented. Fear. Useless. That’s how I felt. I don’t know what to do or how to act or what to say. I did all I can. There was the shock when I heard the news. Then came the grief. But then it was panic and hopelessness as I think about the future. What are the chances? What is the probability? I watched this on the tele every day and nothing seemed to bother me then. It is true what they said. You do not know what it feels like till you’re in that person’s shoes.

Second, hours passed. I went out for a smoke. Just as I was about to light it, I stopped. I have pain seeing my wife suffering through it. I do not want her to go through the same path as me. I took the pack and threw it away.

I went back in and sat down. I looked at her face. Wrinkles were sprawling across and she looked so haggard. I wanted to cry again but I stopped myself. I have to be strong. I have to.

She once asked me, “Do you know the beauty of life?”. I replied, “Why don’t you tell me about it?”. She then said. “It is unpredictable.”

I responded by saying, “How is that a beauty?”

“It helps us to keep doing what we do. Knowing there might no be tomorrow makes us love all the more.”

I just hope I have another tomorrow with her so that I can love her one more time.

 

I laid down my face on her arms as I needed to get some rest. Something touched my ear. I slapped it off. Then I realized it wasn’t a mosquito. I know that touch. I immediately woke up.

There she was. Her eyes opened up. The unmistakable look. The anesthetic finally wore off.

I didn’t care what the doctors say. I cried and hugged her. We both did and laughed while crying. I can’t describe how I felt or put it to words. It’s like someone put my emotions in a blender and turn it on.

She couldn’t help it but touched her chest after that. It wasn’t there anymore. Tears rolled down her cheeks.  She needed some time to digest it down. I sat there holding on to her hand until she calmed down.

I then found the words I wanted to say. So I asked, “Do you know what’s amazing about this?”

She wondered, “There is?”

“Yes , there is. I can love you all the more. At least I know I can still love you today and hopefully tomorrow too.” I smiled while caressing her forehead.

She squeezed me all the tighter. She then let go of me and smirked, “I just hope the baby in me don’t pick up all these things from you. ”

“Well, I’m just being honest.”

We both laughed.

We did lose a bit of a something that day but I also know we gained much more than just something too. Indeed, it is unpredictable.