“You got to let go of the past, Michael.”

“I can’t.” Michael said dryly. There was no need to say anything else.

“Why are you seeing the world as a dark place every single time?”

“You know why. Don’t push it.”

“The firing from your job doesn’t help. I know. It burns. I get it. Doesn’t mean you will be touched by the flames again.”

” You know I hate the words fire, burns and flame. Congratulations kid. You just use all of them in a sentence. I hate you.”

“I’m your bro. Come on. I know you don’t mean it.”

“I hate you . H-A-T-E. I can say it again. H for hounding. A for abomination. T for toasted. E for egghead.”

“You know. You are really making me hungry with eggs and toast.” He laughed.

“Very funny! ” Michael was getting frustrated by his antics.

“What was that? I can’t hear anything! Say it again?”

“Argh.”

Paul hesitated a while before decided to say it.

“You know. You were only seven that time. It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. It’s been two decades. You got to stop hating God and hating everyone else.”

“DON’T. PUSH. IT.”

Sitting at the roadside drinking beer with his best friend was what he did every time he gets disappointed. Michael was extremely annoyed with him but he had no choice. He was pretty much the only real friend he had since young. Since the tragic accident, Paul has been his strongest pillar. After all, Paul was there when it happened.

Michael flashed back to two decades ago. So much joy and glee on his face back then. Although his father died early, he and his mum created a happy life together. Paul, from his neighbour’s house came to play with him everyday. It can be a simple game of kite, hopscotch or fixing jigsaw puzzles. Electronic gaming was non-existent back then. His mum tried her best to give him the best possible childhood. She would buy yoyos, tops and capsule toys for him to play with. Michael liked them but what he loved the most were the scrumptious and hearty meals served every day. Paul and his parents would sometimes come over and they both would talk about school or even which puppy they chased today. Life was simple but happy.

Then, the accident happened. Michael was seating in front with the mum driving of course. Paul was at the back. Michael was so young then that he would frequently messed around with the stuff in the car. That day, he unfortunately messed with the wrong item. As his mum was driving them to school, he playfully pulled the steering wheel to the left. A lorry which was driving at 80 in a 50 zone was on the opposite side of the road. Before his mum could responded and turn back right, life flashed in front of their eyes. The lorry came crashing onto them and the car turned repeatedly and plummeted down to the road upside down. All Michael could hear was “Get out, Michael! GET OUT! Take Paul with you. GO!”. As she was saying this, petrol was dripping drop by drop onto the hot cement road. Michael heard the screams of her mother in agony as a man came pulling him out with his arms. He then went back to get Paul who was in concussion. Michael could barely opened his eyes. Blood was gushing down his forehead. As the man wanted to go back to help the mother, Michael saw the car exploded in flames. His mum looked at him one last time and that was Michael’s last memory of her.

The intense heat scalded his skin but what hurts the most was no matter how much he cried, his tears did nothing to cool down the burning and painful sensation in him.

He came back to reality and realized the annoying kid was still seating next to him.

“I could have done something,” he said remorsely.

“Like what exactly, Mike? Like what?”

“LIKE NOT MESSING WITH THE STEERING WHEEL!”

“You were so young…”

“I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOUCHED IT. I WISHED I DIDN’T HAVE ANY HANDS. THEN THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED.”

“Don’t say that. I mean…”

“I WISHED I WAS BLIND AND DEAF SO THAT I CAN’T HEAR HER SCREAMS AND WATCHED HER DIE IN AGONY AND HAVE NIGHTMARES.”

“STOP BEING ANGRY!” Paul snapped.

Michael stopped. He realized he was getting overboard with Paul who was just trying to help him. They sat there in silence. One, two, three minutes. Then Paul disturbed him,

“So eggs and toast on me? To cool your hot potato head down? ”

Michael looked at him and grumbled, ” Egghead.”

“Okay, that was uncalled for.” Paul smiled.

As they got up to walk to the nearby coffee place, Michael saw a little girl walking towards him. He had an uneasy feeling . The girl then turned right to cross the road in the middle without a traffic light crossing. Michael then heard and saw a car coming on to her. He didn’t even think and instinctively rushed to pushed her out of the way.

* * *
Michael woke up with a start. “Ouch! What on earth happened to my head?” He felt throbbing pain. He looked around and found himself in a room. He struggled as he get out of bed. He heard voices outside and couldn’t quite make out what was said. So he went out and checked. He was in an empty living room with no kitchen. He saw four doors; red, black, blue and white. He hesitated to open the red door but then decided to do it anyway to see who is talking. He saw two of them sitting over a coffee table like it’s some sort of interview.

One of them was wearing sunnies in a room without windows. Maybe he was blind. Michael thought. The other one whom he presumed was the interviewer had a scruffy beard. He decided to name him Scruffy. He then started asking questions.

“So how did you become blind?” Scruffy asked calmly.

“Well, it’s either getting poked in the eye or diseases.”

“Which is which? You got poked or you got diseases?” Scruffy was frustrated at question two already.

“Poked in the eye. A guy smashed my eyes with a bottle at a bar fight.” he said grimly.

“Wouldn’t your eyes be smashed then, not poked?”

“OK. A guy smashed the bottle onto a table then poked my eye!”

“Ah. Ok. I presumed you were feeling angry after that.” Scruffy tried to get more out of him.

“I was already very angry before that. Hence, the bar fights. I was angry at everything. Was judgmental at everyone. Angry at my bosses, ex-girlfriends, family and everyone. I drank constantly like a mad man. Was never a happy man but being blind was…,” he hesitated.

“Was what?”

“The last straw. I was completely desolated and dumped. Everyday felt like I was in an abyss and I can’t get out of it. I can’t see! I can’t see a single thing! I felt fear all over my body. When someone or something makes a little sound, I shiver and panic for I don’t know what it was. I was lost. I was so… scared … ”

“Why did you fear? ”

He hesitated and then resumed,

“that I will forget the faces of my family members over time that I try to recall it every minute every day. I didn’t want to forget anything in my mind. The only remaining picture of them was in my memory.” The man hold back his tears. Scruffy let him calm down for a while.

“Alright. That’s understandable. Did it change you?”

“Changed? Of course it did. Being blind was a curse at first but it then saved me. When one of your senses is gone, your other four will sharpen and that’s what happened to me. I started to hear everything clearly and recognize people by voice, scent and touch. The first few years were really hard but my family was really supportive. I don’t judge people by its cover anymore cause I see them through my heart. What I hear is the image formed in my mind. Everyone is beautiful in my eyes. I try to see the best in them. My imagination was my limit. When the sunlight hit my face in the evening, I can imagine the most beautiful sunset. It helped me ‘see’ the beauty of this earth. The actual beauty.” He smiled.

The two then continued talking. So Michael heard enough and closed the door. He moved on to the other one despite being confused at his current situation.

He opened the black door and saw something similar. Scruffy was there again! Wait, how did he get in there? Wasn’t he just in the other room? Maybe there is a connecting or revolving door between the rooms.

This time Scruffy was talking to himself with a guy in suit opposite him. Michael whispered that Scruffy is insane and then took back his words. He was hand signing to him while speaking then he repeated what the other man said in words. Strange but helpful, for him anyways. Michael thought.

” So you don’t play music anymore?” Scruffy asked.

The deaf and mute guy gestured something. Michael figured it was something rude by the manner of it.

“No, I’m not dumb! I’m just asking simple questions first.” Scruffy was not a happy man.

“Fine. I’m sorry. Yes, I was a musician and a damn good one too. I was filled with pride. Do you want to know how did I become dumb?”

“It’s alright. I know how it happened. I am more interested in after that.”

“My self-esteem hit rock bottom. For a musician, there’s nothing more important than his hearing and for some, his or her voice. I lost both. I felt alone, trapped and painful. It was painful for many reasons. I couldn’t play or compose anymore. I couldn’t make a living through music anymore and I failed to support my wife. I lost her too. I felt helpless and it was like drowning in water waving your hands frantically but no one hears you scream. No matter how hard I shout, “HELP”, it was futile. When people laughed or giggled, I have no idea what they are laughing at! When people say something, you try to sign to them, they can’t understand you!”

“So you had to rely on sight extensively? ”

“Yes, i certainly did. Sight was my most important asset. If I was blind too, I would have killed myself. But losing my hearing made me see things from a different perspective. For 27 years, I can hear so to not hear suddenly was shocking but I realised after a few years of self denial it’s not as bad as being blind. I can still communicate through writing and sign language. I start to look at people’s facial expressions more and I can easily sense their joy or pain or shock even if they do not say it. Pictures now really mean a thousand words to me. So, I start paying attention to what people do all around me and you will be surprised at the number of kind actions people do everyday. It’s just that we failed to notice it. There of course will be bad happenings but i started appreciating the good even more. From then, I start hearing differently.”

Michael heard all this and close the door. He left feeling a bit angry for some reason. He then took a few paces to the blue door. He figured he was in a vision or dream or heaven so he might as well get on with it. He opened it expecting Scruffy there but Scruffy wasn’t there. An old man was. Maybe just maybe there wasn’t a revolving door. He was expecting Scruffy to go through the front door. One. Two. Three. Nope. Where did he go?

He took a look at the old man instead. Perhaps in his sixties. First of all, he had no hands. His sleeves were covering his arms. The man aged but certainly look as strong as an ox. He had the military or law enforcement vibe about him. For some reason, he looked really familiar. Mike just can’t put his head to it. He then decided to take the initiative.

“Hi, can I sit down?”

The old man turned towards him for a while and responded, “Yeah, of course kid.”

“Do I know you from somewhere?” Michael asked.

“I’m not sure. I met so many people in my life. I’m so old now.” He laughed.

“What happened to your hands?”

“Oh these!” He was showing his arms. “I lost them back in the day when I was a fireman. A really bad accident at one of the old buildings. I got really really depressed cause I can’t be involved in my passion anymore.” the old man stared at them and sighed.

“Was it inconvenient?”

” Kid , try cutting it off.”

“OK. Sorry. What I meant to say was what difficulties did your face?”

“I can’t play basketball. That’s one.” He chuckled. “I can’t write, cook, type, sweep, clean. Basically, a lot of things.”

“And you are still sad? ”

” NAH. Don’t be silly. I still have my feet and arms. They can do plenty of things now after learning them. Everything is hard at first but if try, you can. I did it. I earn money by selling plasticine figurines. I used a plastic scraper like the ones used to clean plates to make flowers and toys out of plasticine. I would use both of my arms to hold it and by and by, I got really fast at doing it. Adults and children alike buy them from me and sometimes I see them shed a tear or two for me. I am actually really grateful I can touch their hearts even without my hands and also be independent.”

At this point, Michael was getting frustrated with all these ‘perfect’ stories and had to make a point.

“I’m sorry but I can’t help it, do you know me? I have a feeling you do. Why the perfect stories? The happy endings in the end? Why am I here? No more games!” Michael let it all out.

“I was the one that saved you.”

“I don’t understand. It was you? With your arms? How?” Mike was trying hard to recall.

“Yes , it was me. I may have stop working as a fireman but I will always be one. My arms still had good strength then. My gut immediately lead me to save you and Paul. I really wished I could have saved your mum, Michael. I really do. No boy should have seen what you witnessed. Terrible terrible thing to happen.”

“First of all, thank you for saving me. I mean it. Second, you should have left me back there! So that I don’t relieve these memories every night and go through this mojo senses crap! Where am I? Why are you here? Who was Scruffy?” Michael was perplexed, angry, confused and gutted.

“I think you meant Peter. He decided to grow a beard six months ago. He is an important key in this whole thing too. Nice nickname though, kid.” He paused for a moment.

“Who am I is not important. The question is who are you?”

Michael was about to interrupt. The old man stopped him.

“Hold on, kid. Why the anger? Don’t you have any purpose left in life? These ‘perfect’ stories are real and it does happened. Did you think I was going to let you hear pessimistic stories and make you more angry. Remember this, the healthy may not be happy and sick may not necessarily be sad.”

Michael let him talk further. He had no energy left to argue with him.

“Didn’t you wish you had your eyes, ears and hands taken away? So that your mum would not have died? Isn’t that right? So wouldn’t these stories help you to adjust to life better if it actually was taken away? What if all these was just a dream before your mum died and your hands, ears and hands are taken away before that ? Would you then want this dream to end so that your mother survives and you are disabled? Would you?”

“I …I …I don’t know.” The thought of his this being a dream and him losing his senses and his mum returning was frightening all at once. He really didn’t know.

“YOU DON’T KNOW? You don’t?” The man shouted.

“I DON’T KNOW OK! Don’t push it!”

Silence broke out in the room. One. Two. Three. Five minutes passed. Michael broke down and cried. The old man gave him a moment and patted him on the back. Then he started talking again, “The truth is you have lost your senses a long time ago. You couldn’t see and was always seeing the world in black. You were so angry at everything, You never see a beautiful sunset anymore. You also couldn’t hear. You couldn’t hear the beauty of this world and what people have to say. You never listen to Paul no matter how many times he talk to you. More importantly, you couldn’t hear pain. You were not responsive and never lend a hand anymore. Her death had made you selfish and hardened.”

Michael felt a pang of guilt and sorrow at what was being said.

“But i have to ask you a question. Those men and me included whom you heard stories from really did manage to get out of the pitt despite losing one of our senses. Mind you, we lost our senses physcially not just emotionally like you. Some of our family members left us. Some lost our passion. Why then when you have a perfect and healthy body can’t do the same and get out of this?”

“Because… Cause… I.. ” Once again, he was lost for words.

“Because among all those lost from you, you lost your sixth sense too which is the most important among them all. Well, most of it anyways.”

“My what?”

“Your sixth sense. Your heart. Empathy. Truth. Reason. It’s your purpose of living in life and ability to use all your senses meaningfully. What use is it when you have everything but have nothing at all? All those men, they lost one of their senses and started to see the world from a different perspective. They saw the world through their heart. When your mother passed away, you got lost, dazed, angry and you saw and interpreted everything directly. You just weren’t there anymore though it appears you are. You forgot to love. Do you understand?” The man look him in the eyes.

He now realized why stories and testimonies were told to him. But he had questions at what the old man said earlier.

“I am starting to get a bit what you are saying. I think, but why did you say ‘well most of it anyways’?”

“Oh, you don’t remember! I guess it’s normal for brain trauma patients. The girl? You saved her this morning.”

Michael’s brain started hurting. He tried hard to recall. He felt bit by bit coming back. He remembered the little girl and that he pushed her away. But he also remembered he should have died after being hit.

“I guess I am not a total lost case huh? How is the girl?” He then asked the inevitable, “And one more thing, am I dead?”

The old man smiled and said, “You were always kind and generous since young. It’s just that you got lost along the way after being an orphan. That little girl reminded you of your childhood memories and also sparked your senses. Even I couldn’t react that fast and I was a fireman. Your bravery is well admired by a lot of people. The girl is fine and her family is really glad she is safe. As whether are you dead or not, I don’t know.” He grinned then looked at his wrist although he has no watch and look back up, “Alright, it’s time for me to go back. It’s getting late. You should too.”

He stood up and left. “Wait…,” Before Michael could say anything, he closed the door already. He hurried to the door and found no one. Great, just great, he thought. How was he going to get out? he then remembered the white door. He turned left and moved on to the next one. He had no idea what is was but he wasn’t going to waste any more time. He took a deep breathe and went in.

* * *

“Hey, Michael. How are you?”

There she was. The girl of his dreams.

“Hi, my lady.” He smiled.

“Stop calling me that,” she blushed. “In all seriousness, so when are we meeting Paul and tell him he’s the best man?” She asked.

“We’re meeting him later, I wonder how will he respond. Most likely in tears.” They both laughed.

Just as they were about to leave the coffee shop, the shop owner’s daughter went up to them and gave them flowers.

“Oh hi there, little one. How have you been, Teresa? Thank you for these wonderful orchids by the way. They smell really nice.” Michael touched her cheek.

She responded she was well although she was suffering from cystic fibrosis. With her condition, she would have at most ten more years to live. No matter what, her parents was deeply grateful for what Michael had done and they get to spend a good ten years with her. Who knows how far technology in medicine would advance then? They chatted for a while and leave the cafe.

They got into the car and his fiancé asked him, “So for the question your guardian or whatever you called him asked, ‘Would you trade your senses with your mother’s life?’, you never really answer me.”

Looking back at the shop with the girl waving to him, he answered, “You know? You should really stop asking the same question again and again and move on to another one.” He smiled.

She understood and together they went to Paul to tell him the good news.